Beautiful Hue

David Letterman and I sit across from one another backstage in complete silence. We’ve already discussed some of the topics for tonight and I am completely nervous about the things I agreed to share. We both have just gone through hair and make-up and then we get mic’d up for the show.

“Are you ready?” He asks.

I nod my head and music begins to start for the show. Bridget walks up to me, as David walks onto the stage for last looks.

“You alright?” She asks.

“Not at all. But I will be.” I respond.

“You got this, sir,” she says, as I look away.

“You don’t have to call me sir.” I say to her.

She smirks then walks away, I watch her leave. Moments later David announces my name. I take a deep breath and I walk out onto the stage.

The crowd erupts I wave and shake David’s hands.

“Thank you for coming out tonight.” he says to me.

“Thank you for having me.” I respond.

We both take a seat in the middle of the stage. As the crowd settles, I take in the scenery. I look at the blinding lights concealing my view from the crowd. Almost instantly I begin to start sweating.

“Looking a little hot there.” David jokes.

“Ahh, just a little bit. I’m not a fan of large crowds.” I say.

“Let’s talk about that.” he says. “First and foremost I want to thank you for doing this interview, I know that you don’t do this often and it’s a thrill that we can get you on the show.

“Yeah, I’m not big on interviews but I couldn’t pass this up. I’ve always enjoyed your shows. It’s a privilege to be here.” I say to him.

“So what is it about being interviewed, that doesn’t sit right with you? You’re an actor.”

“I know it sounds backwards, but whenever I’m playing a character, the words that I’m saying aren’t my own. So there’s no room for judgement. When I first started out in the business I remember doing one interview and when that got out, people just slaughtered me.”

“So you feel safe behind your characters.”

“In a way… yes.” I say to him with a straight face. “I have really bad social anxiety.”

“But Oscar night...”

“I accepted my award and I went home.”

David and I sit for a moment in silence, as I take a sip of water.

“This is interesting, I hear there’s no woman in your life.”

“No sir.” I say.

“Why is that?” he asks.

“The short answer is… I haven’t had time.”

“What’s the long answer?”

“I’m afraid of rejection.” I say to him, as I attempt to get comfortable in my seat.

“Where does all of these feelings towards yourself come from?” he asks.

“No clue.” I say to him.

“Is there anyone you have your eye on?”

“There may be one person.” I say.

“Juicy.” he says as the audience laughs. He and I laugh for a moment. I relax a little bit in my seat.

“So I hear that you’re going back to Ohio, to do a film with a close friend of yours.” he says.

“I am and yeah. Sarah Miller.”

“She presented your Oscar to you didn’t she?”

“She did.” I agree.

“Beautiful person. She’s wonderful.” he says.

“She is.”

“You doing alright?” he asks.

“Perfect.” I say.

As I can’t help the sweat from flowing on the inside of my palms.

* * * *

David and I sit talk about my family life, parts of my childhood and my previous relationship with an actress, whom name I refuse to say we dive so deep into the breakup that my mood changes more and more until my voice gets shaky. I begin to feel all of the emotions that I felt the day we broke up.

It slowly gets harder to stay seated. As we try to continue the interview, I feel my emotions take over my body. My eyes begin to water and moments later I begin to feel the hurt.

I begin crying on national television. Fifteen minutes after we’ve talked about what’s actually wrong with me. I get up in the middle of the interview and storm to my dressing room.

* * * *

As I speed through backstage, Jeff walks up to me with a confused look.

“What happened?!” he asks.

“Everything’s fine!” I yell as I continue to walk to my dressing room. “Give me a minute alright?”

I continue to walk to the dressing room and some of the people working backstage approach me.

“Give me a minute. Just a minute. Please.” I say to them as I walk through my door.

As I walk into my dressing room I slam the door and lean my back against it with my head facing the ceiling.

“You alright?” Bridget asks.

“Yeah. Can you— can you just give me a minute please?” I ask calmly.

“Sure.” she says, as she stands up and walks towards me.

“Look and about what happened earlier this week. I’m sorry for coming onto you like that. It was unprofessional of me.” I say to her.

“Don’t be I had a good time.” she says back.

A loud knock erupts through my door and I open it. Jeff storms into the room upset.

“Get that mic off of him now!” Jeff yells to one of the workers.

As they take my mic off, Bridget and I look at one another concerned.

“Fuck.” I mutter as I shake my head.

I motion for Bridget to go and find out everything they caught on the mic. She leaves the room, as Jeff stands over the workers while they remove the wires off of me.

* * * *

I ride in the backseat of Jeff’s truck and stare out of the window. Jeff drives in silence as Bridget sits next to him. We ride through the busy New York streets.

“Fucking go!” Jeff yells as his road rage kicks in. “Are you alright back there?” he asks.

“I’m fine.” I say.

We ride through a couple more blocks until we reach our hotel. We pull into the parking lot, exit the car and walk through the lobby to the elevators.

“You get some rest. Do you want me to cancel the other interviews for the weekend?” Jeff asks.

“Yeah. I don’t think I’m ready. Maybe after I get done filming in a couple of months.” I respond as we get onto the elevator.

We take the elevator to the third floor and Bridget prepares to get off of the elevator.

“I’ll call you in the morning to let you know what our plans are.” Jeff says to her.

“Alright.” She replies, as she glances at me. She gets off and Jeff stops the elevator doors before they close.

“Are you going to be alright for the night?” Jeff asks.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” Bridget says as the door closes.

We approach Jeffs floor and he gets off of the elevator.

“See you in the morning buddy.” Jeff says as he gets off of the elevator.

I go up further. As the doors open, someone tries to hurry through it.

“Excuse you.” I say as I brush pass them.

I walk to my room and go through the doors. As I approach my nightstand I grab my phone and see missed calls and texts from my family, Sarah and William.

“Just checking on you. I saw you on the letterman show today and I know that was hard talking about the break-up.” - Mom

“I know it’s late there. Give me a call in the morning - William.”

I sit my phone down and sit at the edge of my bed. As I reach for the remote I hear a knock at my door. I get up and look through the opening. I see Bridget and I open the door. She rushes into the room and sits down on my bed as I close the door.

“So what did you find out?” I ask.

“They didn’t catch what you said.” she says.

“Good. Shit I was stressing out.” I say to her.

“Yeah. Your career is saved.” she says, as she stands up. She walks towards the door but I stand in her way denying her exit.

“I need to tell you something. But the thing is… it’s going to complicate a lot of things between us.” I say to her.

“Then don’t say it.” she says, trying to move around me.

“I can’t stop thinking about you.” I confess.

She looks at me and backs away.

“I told you not to say it.” she says as she sits on the bed.

“I had to. I know you feel the same way.”

“I do… but that can’t happen right now. I can’t come in between you and your career.” she says.

“Then we don’t tell anyone. Not right now at least.”

I walk closer to her and I sit beside her.

“Ben... do you need to talk to someone?” She asks.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“You’re sad and embarrassed. Do you need to let out what your feeling right now?” She asks.

I stand and turn away from her. I pace back and forth and she stares at me concerned. I place my hands on my head and I sit at the computer chair across from her.

“Yeah.” I say as I nod. “There’s a lot of shit going on in my head right now.”

She climbs to the head of the bed and grabs the phone.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Ordering room service.” she says. “Hi, may I order the cheese cake? Full size please... Also may I get two orders of the prime rib meal? Yes, a bottle of wine is fine... That’ll be all. Thank you. See you in twenty-minutes.”

“Is this on me?” I ask.

“Yep.” she says. “ You’re going to need a good meal. Come here.” she says, as she pats the open area on the bed next to her.

I stand up and I lay on my back in front of her. I look at the ceiling and I close my eyes. I feel her stand up and get off of the bed. As I open my eyes, I see her turn the lights off.

“What are you doing now?” I ask.

“Pretend I’m not here. Talk to me.” She says.

I sit in silence for a moment and I see the light from my phone turn on. She holds it and turns on music. She sits my phone down and climbs back into bed.

“Go.” she says, as she lays on her back next to me.

I close my eyes again and I take a deep breath.

“A couple of years ago I was in this beautiful relationship with an actress. Things were perfect you know? You could only dream of this type of love. A day after I proposed to her she confessed to me that she was pregnant. I was excited as ever and we’d only told our families about it.

Six months into her pregnancy we did all of the check-ups and preparations for our little man. One morning she woke up… she felt some discomfort. I took her to the hospital and we waited for hours to get a word. We had a feeling something was wrong.”

“Did she?” Bridget asks.

I close my eyes tight and take a deep breath.

“She... we lost him.” I say as a tear trickles down my chin.

As I try my best to hold back tears. Bridget grabs my head and I lay my head on her chest.

“She never stepped into another audition again. When she found out that I was nominated for the Oscar she scolded me and tried to make it seem like it was my fault for the loss of our child. I know she was hurting, but I never forgave myself for not being more understanding.”

“You did what you could Ben.” Bridget says.

“Did I?” I ask. “Because when I think about it, there’s so much more I could have done.” I say as I begin to sob more.

I lie in Bridgets arms as she holds me and rubs the back of my head.

“There’s nothing else you could have done.” She says.

Bridget and I sit in silence for a while and listen to music.

“Can I share something with you?” she asks.

“Of course.” I say to her.

“So, the reason I don’t like William isn’t his fault... My mother and I was in Los Angeles for my father. He had a heart attack when no one was home last year and we had him cremated. We placed his ashes inside of an urn and that urn was inside of our home for a year. My mother put it in the basement because she couldn’t stand to be reminded of it. In his Will he said that he always wanted to travel to Los Angeles, so my mom decided it would be a good idea to spread his ashes along the coast.

After I finished my masters we came here and the day we spread his ashes we met William. He paid for our dinner then he… and my mom exchanged numbers. Not even two months after meeting she told me that she was moving here and I wasn’t going to let her move here alone so I came with her. I didn’t want anyone to take advantage of her.”

We both sit in silence and continue to be open and vulnerable with one another. We turn on the lights and see how much of a mess we both look and we laugh about it. As I lay back in bed next to her we look into each other’s eyes.

I look at the pain behind her pupils and I’m sure she can see the hurt behind mine. We rub one another’s chin then we lay back and silently cry.

Embracing a beautiful moment of vulnerability, I believe that my heart just truly opened up for her. This may be a situation that could be healing.

Our silence is interrupted by room service knocking at the door. I answer the door and take the delicious smelling food. She sits at the edge of the bed and prepares to eat, as I sit next to her. We both indulge in the tasty prime rib, broccoli and mashed potatoes.

After dinner and cleaning up I give her a kiss goodnight and she goes back down to her room to prepare for bed. As I lay in bed, the thought of her makes me smile again. I close my eyes and I peacefully fall asleep.