SWNOVELS Bad Intentions: Chapter 39
“So, let me get this straight. He knows it wasn’t you who leaked his info? Has he apologized?” Eve stared at me, agog. She lived for this kind of gossip.
I supposed if it hadn’t been about me, I’d probably find it more entertaining.
“Yep,” I said, and took a long pull of my water. The cafeteria was busy and noisy as hell. It was the first time in a week where I’d walked in and nobody had bothered looking at me. It seemed the gossip had finally died down, thank God.
We were eating in a back corner and hoping that the peace lasted. I’d seen Ellen come in with Josh, both of them casting us sheepish glances before sitting. What the hell? Were they just going to pretend that none of that had happened? Did they even know what had happened to Jack? Though to be honest, I didn’t care much about Jack’s death myself. Not after everything he’d done to Cayden.
“And he straight up said he wants you to stay and go to HHU?” Eve asked, looking enthralled. I’d finally caved and told her everything. We had stayed up all night talking about it.
“Yep,” I confirmed.
“Man, I’m changing teams. I’m Team West now.” She took a big bite of her sandwich.
“I thought you hated him?”
“Yeah, I did, but that was before the other night. That was before he bled for you. The guy could have a scar there for the rest of his life…for you.”
“Thanks for the reminder,” I muttered, guilt wedging in my throat. I couldn’t unpack the guilt and blame of the situation, it was too convoluted. I had to let it all fade into the past. It was the only way to move on and not go crazy.
“Now that his goals align with mine, I’m switching sides. If he can get you to go to HHU with me, then he’ll be my hero forever,” Eve said with a grin.
Right at that moment, the chair next to me pulled out, and a huge shadow loomed over me for a second before lowering into the seat. I didn’t have to look at Eve’s entertained face to know Cayden had joined us. The sudden hush that had fallen around us would have achieved that on its own.
“Started without me, Freckles?”
He pushed my lunch tray over a little to make room for his own, which was heaped with food.
“Are you seriously going to eat all that?”
“I’m a growing boy with a big game coming up,” Cayden quipped.
The rest of the Ice Gods descended on the table, and Eve looked like she wished she had some popcorn to eat while she sat back and watched the show.
“What are you doing here?” I muttered quietly to Cayden.
“Eating lunch, what does it seem like?”
Marcus eased into the chair on my other side, all easy smiles. “Bug, you need to start sitting with us, because hiding here at the back of the room really isn’t my style, not at all.”
Cayden leaned forward, his arms resting on the table, to pin Marcus with a look. “I told you not to call her Bug anymore.”
Marcus grinned and shrugged. “What can I say? It’s a habit. Anyway, Bug doesn’t mind.” He glanced at me. “Do you?”
Cayden’s eyes narrowed at his friend. “Call her that one more time. I fucking dare you,” he threatened darkly.
Eve choked on her strawberry milk, her eyes wide. A ripple of whispers exploded around us after Cayden’s muttered threat. Everyone was listening and drawing whatever crazy conclusions they wanted to.
“It’s fine, I seriously don’t care. Stop making a big deal,” I rushed out. “What are you doing?” I twisted in my chair and glowered at Cayden. “People just stopped talking about us, about me…and now they’re going to start again.”
He nodded, a frown pinching his brow. “You’re right. They’re probably wondering where we stand, if we’re together or not.”
“Together?” The word left me on a squeak. “I guarantee that nobody is wondering that.”
“Really?” Cayden looked even more perplexed for a moment, and then shrugged. “Well, I can fix that.”
His arm tightened against my back and yanked my entire seat toward him, the legs loudly screeching against the tile floor. I fell into his chest, but he wasn’t finished. His other hand cupped my jaw, holding it in place.
“Let’s make it crystal clear.”
Then he kissed me. The bastard kissed me, hard, right there in front of everyone, and it was…amazing. His lips were demanding, parting mine without consent, and then his tongue slid along mine. I knew his touch, the shape of his mouth; I knew the way his breath tasted when he whispered my name. Everything I knew about physical desire and intimacy, I’d learned in this guy’s arms, and still, his kiss shook me to my toes. I’d been frozen in ice until he’d arrived in my life. And now, his mere presence sparked a raging inferno of need inside me, and every touch made the flames burn brighter. But sneaking into his room at night was one thing. It was secret, taking place somewhere between dreams and awake, where fantasies of all sorts could thrive. It wasn’t like kissing in front of the entire school, in broad daylight, in the cafeteria. That was far too real.
Marcus clapped, a loud whistle leaving him as I pulled back, finally kicking my brain into motion again.
“What are you doing?” I was panicking. I could feel it happening. I pushed back my chair and stood. I was attracting even more attention, but I couldn’t stop myself. I’d been in the spotlight more in the last few weeks than I’d ever been in my life and it was all getting to be too much for me. I was the invisible girl. A leopard couldn’t change her spots this fast.
I rubbed my fingers over my lips. Everyone was talking now, and I could just imagine what they were saying. They thought we were together. A couple.
“Well, that was entertaining as hell. I’m glad to see that some people seem to have learned the error of their ways, and just so you know,” Eve said and smiled at Cayden, leaning in and whispering loudly, “I’m on your team now.”
“I’m honored,” Cayden responded in kind and laughed when I whacked him in the gut, then promptly freaked out when I remembered his injury.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”
He caught my hand where it hovered over the wound in his side. “No, you’ll need to kiss it better.”
“Very funny.”
He was still holding my hand, and now he put it to his mouth and kissed the back. Right there, in front of the entire freaking school. “Relax, Freckles, I’m tougher than I look.”
Eve smiled indulgently between us.
“What?” I asked her a little defensively. Cayden had tucked my hand into his, and it felt awkward to move it, so I left it there.
“Nothing, just planning my side of the room at HHU…since it looks team Stay in Hade Harbor has a new member,” she said innocently, then laughed at my expression and wisely changed the subject. “So, any special game plans for the scouts watching you guys?” She directed her question toward her brother. If anyone needed a scholarship into HHU more than Cayden, it was Asher.
“You’ll just have to come to the game and see,” Marcus interrupted and then nodded toward me and Eve. “Are you two looking forward to cheering for us next year when we rock the Hellions at HHU?”
Eve shrugged. “I’ll be there to cheer you on, but Lily won’t.” She gave me a sad smile. “She’s leaving us for California, isn’t that right, Lil?” She was goading me to agree.
Marcus whistled loudly. “Seriously? You’re skipping town?”
I felt Cayden tense beside me as I nodded. “Yeah, maybe. I talked to my parents about it, and they’re supportive. I’m in, with a full ride. I’d be dumb not to take it.”
Eve shrugged. “Being smart is overrated. Of course she’s rethinking it, because she’d miss me too much.”
“We can visit each other,” I reminded her.
“Not that often, though, right? How much are tickets to California?” Asher interrupted suddenly, making me pause.
“I don’t know, but we could make it work somehow.” The words rang false, even to me.
“Sure, these things start out with the best intentions, but we all know Lily’s gonna forget all about us,” Marcus quipped.
I gave the group a lopsided smile, aware of the tension radiating off Cayden, and forced myself to eat lunch.
After a Sunday morning skate at Miller’s Pond with my parents, Eve, and Asher, I collapsed in my mom’s car and grinned at her as she got in. She had an excited air about her today, and it seemed like there was more to it than just nerves about the game.
“I have a surprise for you,” she said quickly as she pulled out onto the busy road, well, as busy as Hade Harbor ever got.
“Really?”
“Really, and I just can’t keep it in!” She beamed at me. “Okay, I’ll tell you. I called your dream school the other day and managed to wangle us an early admissions campus tour,” she said, chuckling at the stunned expression on my face.
“When?”
“We have to leave tomorrow afternoon,” she said.
“Tomorrow? But the game is tomorrow, the important one,” I said, my chest feeling hollow.
“I know, but your dad understands. As long as I call him before and say good luck, he’s fine.”
“I don’t know what to say.” My voice was muted. It felt like it was coming from very far away.
“Say you’re excited!”
“I’m excited,” I parroted and then flushed. “I really am, honestly.” I was aware that I sounded anything but. “I just thought Dad really wanted us at the game. The scouts are there to watch him, too, right?”
“Yes, they are, but these campus tours don’t happen all the time, and you don’t have long before you have to accept your early admission spot. You need to be sure…you’re just as important as Dad, sweetheart,” she reminded me.
I nodded. My throat felt constricted. The truth was, I’d been looking forward to going to the game. The thought of flying across the country tomorrow felt jarring and unwelcome.
“You need to see the place, walk the halls, see if you feel at home there,” she continued.
I nodded, the subdued feeling not fading as I watched the countryside pass by outside the window. I should be excited as hell to get to go and see my dream school tomorrow, shouldn’t I?
That night, I sat in my bed and smoothed the cover of my faded journal, the one that Cayden had read and published. All my secrets exposed. Everyone seemed to think it had been a cruel prank, and that was fine. It had blown over. Still, I could remember the white-hot terror and hurt that I’d felt when it had been exposed. It had been a moment of change for me in so many ways. Sure, it had embarrassed me, but it had also forced me to find my voice. Could I really forgive Cayden for what he’d done? Hadn’t I already?
Tonight, he’d gone to his room early, exhausted from training and trying to prepare for the big game. He was still injured, and now he had to play his most important game to date.
I opened my journal and sighed as I took in the last thing I’d written, the entry from before Cayden had set his sights on me and exploded my world.
I felt like a different girl than the one who had written those dreamy, guilt-ridden fantasies and panicked about her parents finding out about the early admissions application.
Everything had changed in a matter of weeks, including me.
A soft knock pulled me from my thoughts, and my heart leapt at the thought that he was at my door.
My foster brother.
My bully.
The boy I loved.
Loved? Yes. Loved.
I got up and pushed that thought aside, opening the door quickly. The doorway was empty. I fought my disappointment as I went to close it, then noticed the glitter of green and gold coming from the floor.
It was the journal that Cayden had given me for my birthday. I picked it up, realizing that I hadn’t seen it in its place on my desk for a few days. I hadn’t even opened it since that first day when Eve and I had read his birthday wish. I took it into my room and closed the door. My heart beating oddly hard, I sat and opened it, flipping to the first page, and his message.
Show me yours and I’ll show you mine – C
The next page was blank. I flipped again and stopped. There, scrawled in blue ink, dark against the creamy page, were two words.
I’m sorry.
I somehow had the idea that this message was old, written a few weeks ago, when things between us had been at their worst. I was the kind of nerd who knew exactly which of my pens were in rotation on my desk most weeks, and that color was definitely a few weeks ago. I turned to the next page, and there was another note, in a different pen this time.
Forgive me, Freckles.
Swallowing a lump in my throat the size of a golf ball, I turned another page, and this time, the entire length of it was covered in spidery black pen strokes.
Last night, I dreamed of Lily. Those are the good nights. I wish I could live in those dreams. In the dream, she took my hand and smiled at me. She kissed me and laughed with me. She loved me, and it was everything I’d given up hoping for. All the while, I knew it was a dream, because Lily is literally my dream girl, and I fucked everything up so badly, there’s no way she’d look at me that way in real life.
In real life, I’m the villain of her story. The bad guy. The rotten apple.
So, lately, I’ve been sleeping late and going to bed early.
I’ll try anything to see more of Lily’s smile.
A tear dripped down my cheek and splashed on the page. I turned, and there was more. Entry after entry of dreams.
Last night I dreamed I was inside my Lily. She was holding me close; her smell filled my head. Her body clasped me tightly, her cunt narrower and sweeter than anything I could have imagined. I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want her, and I’ll never want anyone ever again with even a fraction of that desire.
Lily is the sum total of my desires and dreams, all in one devastatingly smart and beautiful package. In my dreams, she reaches for me when she wakes and finds me inside her.
Slipping into her arms feels like a homecoming. In her embrace, I finally belong. I am at peace.
More tears fell, and I dashed them away.
I turned one more page and found it nearly empty, except for one small scrawl.
I love you, Freckles. I know I’m unforgivable…but if anyone can try to forgive a parasitoid like me…it’s you, my love – C
And I lost it.