Awake At Dawn (Wildflower Series Book 2)

I WISHED I could have an interaction with Noah London that wasn’t wholly mortifying. But here I was, sitting on his bathroom floor while hugging his toilet. I’d flushed it and closed the lid, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a stark reminder of how I’d vomited into it a minute ago.

Meanwhile, all Noah seemed to be able to do was blink at me.

“Pregnant?” he repeated, slack-jawed.

I nodded while gripping the toilet, afraid that nausea would return if I moved too much.

“Okay…well…we can, we can work with that.” The way Noah stumbled over his words while rubbing the five-o’clock shadow on his jaw was sort of adorable. He was usually such a smooth talker. “But it’s…up to you, of course.”

Despite his obvious surprise, Noah was calm, and after a beat or two of silence, he returned to stroking my back. The creaking of a door was the only sound that echoed in the bathroom, followed by the pitter-patter of paws. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Winnie slump onto the cool floor tiles, her tongue hanging out of her mouth. Meanwhile, Noah continued to rub my back. His hands were firm, strong.

It felt manipulative to let him take care of me like this. Noah put on a cocky smirk in public, but I knew from what Juniper had told me that he had a sweet, kind side. I was sure he wanted nothing to do with me but likely didn’t know how to extract himself from the situation.

Sighing, I closed my eyes for a moment. I’d let him rub my back for just another minute, and then I’d return to reality—a reality where nothing really felt like it was up to me.

“I wish the baby’s dad had reacted this well,” I mumbled, more to myself than anything.

Noah stilled. The soothing circles on my back stopped.

“How did he react?” he asked, his voice strained—like it was being forced out through clenched teeth.

I appreciated that Noah skipped the obvious question. I didn’t intend to keep the baby’s dad a secret, but I didn’t love talking about him, either.

“By telling me he didn’t want anything to do with us.”

It wasn’t just me anymore. It was us—this baby and me.

“What a piece of fucking garbage.” The intensity in Noah’s low voice startled me, but I didn’t hate it. Silas was a piece of garbage. A trickle of goose bumps rose on my skin. “Julian broke all his goddamn bones when he found out, right?”

It was my turn to still as I bit my tongue, looking down at the closed toilet lid. I heard Noah’s quick intake of breath behind me before he said my name in a gritted sort of warning.

“Gemma…”

I pressed my lips together, still trying to hold on to the truth for a little longer.

At this point, Noah sounded pleading. “Gemma, please tell me your brother knows you’re pregnant.”

“I can’t…” I tapped the top of the toilet lid absently while biting the inside of my cheek. “I can’t do that.”

“Christ.” Noah heaved a sigh, and I peeked over my shoulder to see him leaning back against the bathroom wall, running a hand through his hair. When he caught me looking, he met my gaze and held it. “So to recap, I’m going to kill the human piece of garbage who left you alone after getting you pregnant, and then your brother is going to kill me when he finds out that I knew about it first?”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat, unsure if it was from the fiery look in Noah’s eye or the guilt in my gut from dragging him into this.

“I’d rather just avoid all the killing, please.”

He shook his head, still running his hand aggressively through his hair. “Might not be possible,” he mumbled.

God, coming here had been such a mistake. I should have thought it through more. Slept on it for a few more days. Realized that Noah would never go along with it after he knew all the details.

The problem was that I didn’t have a few more days, and I should probably stop wasting my time sitting here on Noah London’s bathroom floor.

“I think I should just go,” I decided before pushing myself off the ground. Or rather, attempting to push myself off the ground. Noah didn’t let me get far before he wrapped a powerful arm around my middle and brought me back to the tiled floor, where he was straddling me from behind.

“No, wait.” His soft sigh breezed through my hair as he held me captive against his chest. “Why?”

“What?” My brain was too jumbled from our position and all the ways we were touching for me to make sense of what he was asking.

“Why do you want to leave?” He slowly released his grip, his hand falling to my thigh instead—my bare thigh that my dress hardly covered as I straddled the toilet in the same way that he straddled me. Christ.

I kept my eyes trained forward, reminding myself to keep breathing while Noah’s thumb started moving in soothing circles on my thigh. “I haven’t told Julian because I don’t want to mess up his life, and I don’t want to mess yours up, either.”

Noah scoffed, his breath fanning the back of my neck while his hands fell to the ground. I let out a breath that contained both relief and disappointment. “You’re not messing up my life,” he insisted. “You’re here because we can help each other. Unless you’re no longer interested?”

I floundered for a second, debating if I should insist I wasn’t, even though I was. But I couldn’t find it in me to lie. I was so tired. “No, I’m interested.”

“Okay, then let’s have that talk we were going to have.” Noah’s eyes flicked around the bathroom. Although it was updated and sparkling with a brightness that made me wonder if Noah employed a housekeeper, it wasn’t very large—clearly, just a half bath meant for guests. The only decor was an out-of-place looking wall calendar hanging above us. “Should we stay here or move somewhere else?”

“Move somewhere else,” I said, feeling the tight knot in my stomach dissipate. I needed to put a little space between the off-limits NFL player and my currently overactive hormones.

With a decisive nod, Noah pushed to his feet before holding his hand out to help me up.

Deciding there was no turning back now, I took it.

Noah guided me to the couch, keeping close and not moving his eyes from me while we walked. He seemed afraid that I’d pass out any minute, and honestly, fainting wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. I couldn’t keep down any food this morning, and my stomach was completely gutted.

Once I was settled into the corner of his massive cloudlike sectional couch, Noah brought me a glass of water, which I sipped gratefully.

“Is there anything else I can get you?”

I shook my head.

“Are you sure?”

“Just sit down, please. I’m fine, don’t worry.”

I’d gotten used to the morning sickness routine over the last few weeks.

“Seems like someone needs to worry,” Noah muttered grumpily as he sank onto the couch next to me and crossed his arms over his broad chest, making his biceps pop. Internally, I groaned.

“I don’t want anyone to worry,” I pressed. “That’s why Julian doesn’t know.”

“I was thinking more about the man responsible for putting you in this position.” Noah’s handsome face dipped into a scowl. “He’s a fucking asshole for not worrying. How could he⁠—”

“It’s okay, Noah.”

I really didn’t want to talk about Silas.

Noah opened his mouth, undoubtedly to protest, but I cut him off, changing the subject.

“When do you have to start traveling for the season?”

I had a feeling there was still a buffer of time between when Noah would need me to move in and when I would have to be out of my apartment. I was running out of time, and if I needed to figure out a place to stay for an interim, I should get on that.

He sighed, giving me a look that said he wasn’t done with the topic of Silas, but he’d let it go for now.

“My first trip is in a couple weeks, and then I’ll be on the go a lot. It probably won’t even feel like we’re roommates.” He relaxed a little, uncrossing his arms. “I have a guest suite over there,” he added, pointing to a door off the kitchen. “So you should have a good amount of space to yourself if you decide to move in.”

I nodded, taking that in. Noah was trying to reassure me that I’d have privacy and free rein most of the time, even though this was his luxury apartment with high-end appliances, sweeping views of the city, and enough space in his living room to fit my entire unit. God, this place was amazing.

“Are you sure this isn’t too imposing?” I asked, still feeling uncertain. The last thing I wanted was to take advantage of his generosity.

“The opposite—it would be a relief.” Having followed us out of the bathroom, Winnie took that opportune moment to jump into Noah’s lap, and he chuckled, looking down at her. “That is if you’re still willing to keep an eye on this wild child.”

“I would be more than happy to,” I rushed to confirm. “And if Natalie ever needed someone to watch Chloe when you’re not around, I’d love to help.”

Working at the club had and would give me experience around children, but being their skating coach was entirely different from taking care of them at home. And I would take any practice in that department that I could.

Noah smiled at the mention of his sister. “You’ve met Nat, then?”

I nodded. “Just in passing at practices.”

I ran into Natalie on my first day working at Back Bay, shortly after learning I was pregnant. I accidentally mistook another parent for Chloe’s dad, and Natalie was quick to let me know I’d never see his cheating, good-for-nothing face around the rink. It gave me a sense of…camaraderie. She was a single mom, and soon I would be, too.

“You know, I’m surprised that you left St. Maverick’s,” Noah said, considering me carefully. “I know how renowned their skating program is. Haven’t they won like every championship in the last five years that there is to win? I assume the pay was higher, and considering the pregnancy, I’d think it would be worth…”

My mood must have leaked into my expression because Noah’s words melted away at the look I gave him.

I cleared my throat and dropped my gaze. It wasn’t Noah’s fault; he made a good observation. I should have stayed at St. Mav’s so I could afford this baby. So I wouldn’t be in the position I was in now. But I acted rashly—with my hurt heart and not my level head.

I came here today knowing that I’d need to be up-front about, well, everything. There was no reason to keep secrets from Noah, and honestly, he should know exactly what he was getting himself into. I could only imagine how having a pregnant, lonely roommate might cramp his style. So I sighed and prepared to tell him the truth.

“You’re right,” I said. “It’s a great program. So many of my former skaters have gone on to be in professional ice shows and have great careers. But…” I sighed before admitting, “the baby’s dad is the athletic director at St. Maverick’s.”

Noah’s eyes hardened. I imagined this was similar to his game face, and right now, the opponent he wanted to obliterate was Silas. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“I wish I was kidding.”

I chewed the inside of my cheek as I thought about how much I wished I was kidding. What I would do to go back in time and never go for drinks with my boss. Not because of the pregnancy, but because I’d have to live with the half memories forever, the wondering. That, and the consequences of having to uproot my entire life. I was still struggling with how to handle everything. The last few weeks had been a mess. I was a mess. A mess sitting on Noah London’s plush couch in his fancy apartment.

I wanted this pregnancy. I really did. But I didn’t feel equipped to handle it right now, and I needed to change that. I was going to change that. Because I was on my way to becoming a twenty-eight-year-old single mom, and I had to be ready to do this on my own.

Sure, I’d have my family to lean on. I knew my dad, in particular, would do anything to help me. Both my parents, of course, but I’d always been closest with my dad. Still, though…it wouldn’t be the same as having a partner, and I didn’t expect to change the single part of my new title anytime soon. What guy would want to sign up to play dad for another man’s baby? I couldn’t imagine there’d be many takers on that account.

“Did he make you quit?” Noah pressed. Whether he realized it or not, his body leaned toward me, intensity rolling off him in waves.

“No, I just couldn’t stand being around him anymore. He was someone I looked up to, someone who I thought shared my values. But now I know he’s just a manipulative dick who wanted me to lie to everyone about how I got pregnant. I couldn’t stay there and pretend that everything was okay. That it was okay for him to do that.”

“Were you—” Noah broke off with a quick inhale, shaking his head. His arms returned to their crossed position, his hands flexing into fists. His jaw clenched as though he was physically forcing his lips to remain locked, refusing to let his question out. “Never mind. It isn’t any of my business.”

I didn’t say a word for a long minute, debating whether I should give Noah the details he was looking for. Noah was the only person I’d told about this, and it felt good to let the secret out—at least to someone. But I really didn’t want to talk or think about Silas. So I settled on giving him different details.

“I quit the same day that he made his feelings about the baby clear,” I said after swallowing past the emotion in my throat. “I took the first job offer I got the next week and started immediately at Back Bay, knowing I wouldn’t make enough to stay in my apartment. But risking being unemployed was worse.”

I sank further into his cloud couch, wondering if I could disappear inside it and never come out. “I’ve applied for more part-time gigs but so far haven’t gotten lucky.”

Noah grunted as he started stroking a hand down Winnie’s back absently. And maybe with too much force, although Winnie seemed perfectly content as her eyes drifted shut. “Well, now you have one.”

“What?”

“A part-time gig. Watching Winnie. And maybe Chloe sometimes, too.”

I stared at him. I’d learned that staring men straight in the eye usually spooked the hell out of them. Working in collegiate sports taught me how to do that and do it well. But Noah was a different breed, and he returned my stare, not backing down.

“You really don’t have to pay me,” I finally said. “Having a place to stay is more than enough. It’s already incredibly generous, Noah. I can find some retail job to bring in some extra money.”

Noah appeared slightly affronted that I even suggested the idea. Although, if I worked another job, that meant less availability for Winnie and Chloe.

“No.”

Okay, maybe not a little affronted. Very affronted.

I opened my mouth to assure him that I would absolutely work my schedule around his away games so that I was available when he was gone, but he beat me to it.

“You can’t work yourself into the ground, Gemma,” he said in a long, loud exhale.

I clucked my tongue. “Seems ironic for you to say, considering you literally get worked into the ground at your job.”

“Only when my offensive line sucks.”

I laughed, but Noah didn’t crack a smile.

“But seriously, it’s not the same,” he added as if his flat expression didn’t give away just how serious he was.

I flashed a doubtful look, and his jaw clenched—again.

“You’re pregnant, Gemma.”

“Believe me, I know.” Heat spiked beneath my skin, the indignation and hurt burning inside me. “I’m very aware of just how pregnant I am, Noah.”

My harsh words left a wake of silence in the apartment until Noah broke it.

“Listen, I’m sorry.” He dragged a hand over his face, lowering his voice. “Of course you know that. I just…I’m trying to think like Julian would, you know? He’s going to be pissed if he finds out you’re working your ass off like that while you’re growing a whole human inside you. You need to take care of yourself.”

The fire drained out of me as I took in the consideration and concern on Noah’s face. But I wasn’t entirely convinced it was for me.

“Admit it.” Winnie stumbled off Noah’s lap, across the couch cushion, and onto mine. I tucked her into my arms. She was so soft and sweet—the perfect golden puppy. “You’re just scared of Julian and what he’ll do if he finds out about our arrangement. More than me, I think.”

“Pfft. Afraid of Julian?” Noah grumbled but then stole Winnie back from me—almost like he needed her to be his emotional support animal at the thought of Julian getting anywhere close to this situation. “No way.”

“He did break Greg Kennedy’s fingers in high school. Ruined his whole football career, likely,” I said thoughtfully. “But that was over Juniper because he’d cheated on her. Not me, of course.”

“Yeah,” Noah cut in dryly. “He was that obsessed with your best friend, but he didn’t let himself have her until ten fucking years later. And you know who that was over?”

I winced before he could say it.

“You.”

He was right; I shouldn’t have implied that Julian didn’t love me or wouldn’t protect me as much as he did his fiancée. It was just different.

“Yeah, so…I think we’ve just settled why Julian never needs to know about all of this,” I concluded lightly. “For the sake of everyone’s fingers.”

Noah sighed, his lips twisting wryly. I knew he disagreed with me.

“You won’t be able to hide the pregnancy forever.” He stared at my stomach pointedly. I grabbed a pillow to hide behind, hugging it to me, and his eyes immediately lifted guiltily.

“No, I won’t,” I agreed. “But I can hide it until I have a solid plan. By the time your season is over or close to being over, I’ll have enough money saved up to find my own place. And then when I tell Julian and the rest of my family, they won’t need to worry about a thing because I’ll have it all figured out.”

“You’re sure this is what you want to do?”

I nodded. I had to be sure. This was what I had to do.

“I’m sure.” I flashed him a smile that I hoped looked more confident than I felt.

“Okay.” Noah set Winnie back on the floor and stood, careful not to step on her as the puppy danced at his heels. “Let me show you around the rest of the apartment, then.”

I followed Noah through the kitchen to the guest suite he’d mentioned earlier, which was at least twice the size of the only bedroom at my current apartment. I eyed the massive bed longingly before Noah led me to other parts of the penthouse, including an office and a state-of-the-art home gym.

Yeah, I wasn’t going to find a better deal than this.

Eventually, we wandered back to the front door.

“So you said your first trip was in a couple weeks?” I clarified.

He nodded. “When do you need to be out of your apartment?”

“Oh, um. I think like, in a couple weeks as well.”

“You’re a shit liar, Gemma.” The corner of his mouth lifted in a crooked smile. “Text me your address, and I’ll swing by tomorrow to help you move stuff.”

“What? No, Noah⁠—”

“Text me your address, or I’ll call Juniper to ask for it,” he amended, changing tactics.

“You can’t call Juni,” I panicked. “That girl doesn’t know how to keep anything from my brother these days.”

“Then you should probably just text me your address.” He shrugged, opening the door for me with a growing grin. “For the sake of my fingers, Gemma.”

I glared at him. “You’re way too used to getting what you want, Noah London.”

That twinkle I’d grown accustomed to seeing in his eyes returned as I stepped out of the apartment. “I don’t know how to respond to that without sounding like a cocky asshole,” he said.

“Too late,” I called back on my way down the hallway.

Even though he couldn’t see my face, I still tried to hide my smile. And then when I got back to my apartment, I texted him my address.

Guess I was moving in with Noah London.