Ashes to Ashes

I’M HIGH UP IN THE REAR BALCONY OF HOLY LADY of the Sea, and it is pure agony. There aren’t enough tears in the whole wide world. My sobs echo those of the congregation below me.

There is a brass urn on the white marble altar. And a sea of flowers. Roses and mums and lilies and snapdragons, a cross made of white carnations, wreaths with pink ribbons hanging down the front. So many flowers, even though it’s snowing on the other side of the stained-glass windows.

I don’t know when I got here. I don’t know what day it is. I don’t know the time.

An old lady takes a seat at the organ behind me and begins a sad hymn. Everyone stands up, and the preacher walks somberly down the center aisle, followed by two altar boys holding big wooden crosses. It is a struggle for my mom to keep up. I see her through my tears. Black pencil skirt, black sweater. She can barely stand. Aunt Bette supports her on one side, my father on the other.

I rub my eyes and look again. It’s not my mom. It’s Ms. Holtz. She’s got the same curly hair, same petite frame as Rennie. The two people flanking her I’ve never seen before.

And the huge picture on an easel next to the urn is not one of me. It’s Rennie in a yellow sundress, her hair down and curly and tousled from the offshore breeze. She’s wearing an innocent expression, but she has mischief in her eyes. She looks about fifteen or sixteen. Younger than I remember her ever seeming.

This isn’t my funeral. It’s Rennie’s.

It’s so crowded that ushers have brought in extra folding chairs to put in the aisles and next to the confessionals. That’s where I see Kat. Her father stands behind her. Pat squeezes her hand. I can tell by the way Kat’s shoulders rise and fall that she’s sobbing.

When Ms. Holtz passes the Cho family, she stops and reaches out with a shaky hand to touch Lillia’s shoulder. She wants Lillia to come sit with her in the front pew. Lillia looks nervous, but Mrs. Cho gives her daughter an encouraging nod.

On her way to her new seat, Lillia passes Reeve and his family. His parents and his brothers and their girlfriends. They take up almost the whole row. Reeve’s just had a haircut; the skin on his neck is pink. He’s wearing the suit he wore to homecoming. Lillia doesn’t look at him, and he doesn’t look at her. Reeve starts flipping through a prayer book as she lowers her head and takes her seat.

I scan the rafters, the eaves, and the statuary.

Rennie? Are you here too?

I keep looking around, waiting for Rennie to show up. Only she never does. She’s not here like I am.

What did I do to deserve this? To be stuck on Jar Island for eternity? Was it because I killed myself? I know how stupid it was. I just wanted to make Reeve feel sorry for what he’d done. I wanted to take it back as soon as I jumped off the chair with the rope around my neck, only I couldn’t. It was too late. Can’t God understand that it wasn’t my fault? I never would have done it if it hadn’t been for Reeve. He should be the one punished, not me.

The preacher asks us to bow our heads in prayer. I drop my chin and close my eyes. Please let me leave this place. Let me find a way to heaven. Let me rest in peace.

When I open my eyes again, the church is empty. The lights are out; the flowers are gone.

And I’m all alone.