Ashes to Ashes

FROM THE PEAK OF THE LIGHTHOUSE ROOF, JAR Island looks small, like a play town with play people. That’s where I’m perched, a seagull waiting out a storm. I’m as close to the sky as I’ve ever been, and everything is tiny. A man walking his poodle, a car driving up Main Street, a child crying for his mother. I’m too far away to care. What does it matter? What does any of it matter?

Before, I would have been afraid to be up so high. Now I’m not afraid. I’m not even sad. I’m nothing.

It’s funny how my whole life, I never wanted to leave Jar Island, and now in death I can’t. I remember when I first came back here, waking up on the ferry once it had reached Jar Island. Or had I ever left? There was that time, after the first few days of school, when I’d had it with Reeve. I wanted to be back with my mom and dad. I packed up my suitcase and came down to the docks, ready to leave but unable to go. I didn’t know why then, but now I do.

For some terrible reason I’m trapped here. I’ve been trapped here, maybe since the day I killed myself.

What I want to know is why. Why am I still here? Rennie got to leave. Is she in heaven? Or did she go straight to hell? Hopefully my dad is in heaven. He was a good dad. He deserves to be there. I wish I were with him.

It starts to snow. I’m not wearing a coat. I’ve got no socks, no shoes. Just me in a simple white dress. If I close my eyes, I can almost feel the cold wind whipping around me, I can almost feel the chill of the winter sea spray. Almost.

All those months of pretending, playacting like I was alive, like I was somebody. Only I didn’t know it was pretend. I thought it was real. It felt real.

My friendship with Lillia and Kat, that was real. In their eyes I was alive. I never had friends like them before. It was the only time in my whole life when I felt a part of something.

They made me real. For a little while anyway.

If I let go of them, maybe then I can finally move on. To heaven, to hell, to wherever. So long as it’s not Jar Island.