Ashes to Ashes

AFTER SCHOOL ASH AND I RIDE IN HER CAR OVER to her house to work on our English project. It’s sort of the worst, being partnered with Ash, because she’s lazy, but I know she’d be hurt if I partnered up with someone else. We’re in her room, supposedly doing research, but whenever I glance over at her computer screen, she’s looking at gossip blogs.

I’m cutting and pasting an article to read later, when my phone buzzes. It’s Reeve. Can I see you tonight?

Oh no. No, no, no. This is exactly what I was afraid of, and it’s my fault. I was weak.

I have to be strong now.

I can’t. I’m studying over at Ashlin’s.

🙁

His little sad face makes me want to smile, but I don’t let myself go there.

A few minutes later Ashlin’s phone buzzes from across the room. She picks it up and squeals. “Derek and the guys want to come over and hang out,” she says. “Our sauna’s not working, but we could take a hot tub break!”

I bite my lip. Reeve. I could kill him.

“Ash, we can’t. This is due on Monday. If the guys come over, you know it’s not going to be a short break. It’s going to be all night.” And then I pick up my phone and text Reeve.

Not cool.

Ash nods. “You’re right, I know you’re right. I’m just having a hard time concentrating.” Plaintively she says, “Are things ever going to feel normal again?”

“I don’t know.” And then, because that sounds so depressing, I add, “I hope.”

Ash picks up her phone to text Derek, and I feel bad. I haven’t been a good friend to her lately. So I close my laptop and say, “Ash, it’s fine. The guys can stop by. We’re almost done anyway.”

Ash’s face lights up. “Yay!” She jumps up and starts rifling through her bikini drawer. She gasps suddenly and lifts one up for me to look at—it’s Rennie’s. “Ren left this the last time she was over here.”

I remember when she bought it, last summer at the bikini store near Java Jones. It’s tiny and black, and she loved it because it made her boobs look bigger. “I—I’ll just wear one of yours.”

“But mine won’t fit you,” Ash says, dropping the bikini back into her drawer.

“Then I’ll just dip my feet into the tub.” I’m not wearing Rennie’s bikini. It’s too eerie.

“Wait!” Ash digs into her drawer again. She holds up a skimpy navy-and-green tie-dyed one with the tags still on. “The top was way too small for me, but I never got around to returning it. It’ll fit you perfectly.”

Relieved, I quickly undress and put on her bikini. Ash comes around and ties the tie around my back tighter. “It looks great on you,” she says. “You can keep it.”

“Thanks, Ash.” Ash and I have never been super close. There was always Rennie in between us. She always had to be most loved. And we did love her most. We both knew we’d pick Ren over each other. But Ash is a nice person, and I feel lucky to have her.

After we’re both changed, we put on Uggs and bathrobes and go outside to turn on the hot tub. Ash goes back in to get a bottle of wine from her parents’ cellar, and I’m testing how hot the water is when Alex walks up.

“How’s the water?” he asks me, peeling off his peacoat. He pulls his sweater over his head, and I go over and turn on the jets.

“Pretty hot,” I say.

Alex throws his clothes onto a lounge chair. He looks around to make sure we’re alone, and then says, “Hey, can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure.”

He slides into the water. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you for a while, but I didn’t want to bring it up at the wrong time.”

It’s suddenly very hard to swallow.

I look around for Ash, but she hasn’t come back yet, and there’s no sign of Reeve and Derek yet. So I slip off her bathrobe and quickly step inside the hot tub. The hot water pricks my skin. I put my hair up into a high bun so it won’t get wet. “Umm. Okay.”

“I know you and Rennie had a fight the night she died.” I go still in the water. “I just want to say that you shouldn’t let that be the thing that defines your friendship. I mean, friends fight. It happens. Look at me and Reeve. Things have been weird with us ever since . . . ever since Christmas.” Alex colors, and I can feel myself blush too. “But I know we’ll hash it out at some point. The same way I know that if Ren hadn’t had that accident, you guys would have too.”

No, we wouldn’t have. Rennie would never have forgiven me for taking Reeve away from her, not in a million years. Alex doesn’t know her like I do. I mean he didn’t, he didn’t know her like I did. But it’s nice of him to say, and it’s so Lindy of him to say it. I offer him a smile and say, “Maybe.”

He can tell I don’t mean it. He says, “Listen to what I’m telling you, Lil. Rennie loved you. And you loved her. It would have worked out. When people love each other as much as you did, the love doesn’t just go away. No matter what.”

Tears spring to my eyes. Alex sounds so sure, it gives me hope, even when I have no right to hope for anything. If I’d had the chance to explain, to try to make Ren understand, could we have gotten past it? We were best friends. More than best friends. We were like sisters. That has to count for something.

“Alex . . . thank you for saying that.” I really, truly mean it. He reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze, and the tightness inside me feels a little bit loosened.

We’re still talking when Reeve arrives. I don’t look at him, but I can feel his eyes on me. He strips down and lowers himself into the water and sits at the corner opposite Alex and me. “What are you guys talking about?” he asks.

“Nothing,” I say, staring down at the foamy water. It gurgles and bubbles like soup that’s about to boil over.

“New bikini?” he asks me.

I give him a funny look. “It’s Ash’s. She gave it to me.”

“I like it.”

What is he doing? Especially in front of Alex, of all people. Alex is watching Reeve with narrowed eyes now.

Ash and Derek come out of the house with the wine and beach towels. When they climb into the hot tub, Alex scoots closer to me to make room, and our shoulders touch. Alex bumps my shoulder again, this time on purpose, and he smiles at me, and I smile back. A true smile.

“Do you have any beer, Ash?” Reeve asks suddenly.

“Yeah, there should be some in the fridge,” Ash says, stretching out her arms. “Just make sure you replace them with the beers in the pantry, or my dad will notice.”

“Get me a beer too,” Derek says.

Reeve gets up. “Cho, come help me.”

I don’t look at him as I say, “I’m not getting out of the water. It’s too cold.”

Reeve frowns at me, which I pretend not to see. Then he steps out of the hot tub and stalks off to the house. He can be mad all he wants, but if he thinks I’m going to sneak away with him with our friends right outside, he’s crazy.

To Alex I say, “Your skin’s getting red.”

Alex groans. “The plight of the fair-skinned Irish. That’s why I have to marry you, Lil, so I can stop this vicious cycle. Our kids would be so good-looking.”

Uncomfortably, I giggle. “As long as they get my fashion sense,” I say, stretching out my legs so my toes float above the water. “And my dance skills. You have no rhythm whatsoever, Lindy.”

Later, when we’re all out of the hot tub and it’s time to go home, Alex offers to drive me to school for my car. Reeve’s putting his sweater back on, but I know he’s listening to every word. I say, “No, that’s okay. Ash and I have more work to get done tonight.”

Alex looks disappointed, but he leaves, and so do Reeve and Derek. Reeve doesn’t even look at me when he goes.

Upstairs in Ash’s room, I go over to her bed to open up my computer, and I look out her window. Reeve’s truck is still here. He’s waiting for me. Reeve needs to understand that he and I aren’t happening, not ever.

Quickly I look down at my phone and say, “Uh-oh, my mom’s texting me. She wants me home.”

Ashlin looks up from her computer. She’s in the process of buying a new cashmere sweater. “Just give me two secs, and I’ll drive you back to your car.”

“No, that’s okay. The guys haven’t left yet. I’ll get one of them to take me.” I grab my bag and my computer and give Ash a hug, and then I’m running down the stairs and out the front door.

I climb into Reeve’s truck, and for a moment we’re both silent. He has a scowl on his face. “What’s the matter with you tonight?” I ask.

He fumes. “I wanted to see you, I wanted to have fun, and I walk in on you and Alex cozy in the hot tub, and you won’t even tell me what you were talking about.” He makes an annoyed face, which gets me so mad.

“We were talking about Rennie!” I burst out. “And, Reeve, you never want to talk about her!”

Reeve turns white. “What good does it do to bring up the past? She’s dead. Talking about it isn’t going to bring her back. This thing between you and me is separate from that.”

“No, it isn’t. We’re the reason Rennie died, and it’s eating me up inside. She never would have been driving around that night if it weren’t for us. She’d have been at her party, where she belonged—”

“Stop!” Reeve shouts. I jump. He’s breathing hard. “I don’t want to do this right now, okay? I can’t. So just—stop. Don’t say anything else. Please.”

“Okay.” He’s shaking. I smooth my hand over his back until his breathing slows down. “It’s okay.”

Before I can say another word, he’s got me pushed up against the window and he’s kissing me. And I’m kissing him back.

When we get to the school parking lot an hour later, I pull down the visor mirror and try to fix my hair. It’s a mess.

Watching me, he says, “You’re the only thing that’s keeping me going.”

My hand stills.

“I can’t not see you,” he says.

I don’t look at him, I can’t. “If we’re going to do this, no one can know. It can’t be like what happened tonight. We need to be careful.”

Quickly he says, “Okay. I’ll do whatever you want. However you want to do it. I feel like I can’t breathe when I’m not with you, Cho.”

And then I’m in his arms, and we’re kissing again. Just like before.