Anti-Hero (Wild Heart Ranch Book 4)

Erik starts to edge off the bed, and I put my hand on his, stilling his retreat.

“I’m sorry, let me rephrase. You fucking me from behind isn’t going to work.”

He stitches his brows together, asking gently, “Is it a trigger?”

I snort, laughing at how soft he’s being with me. Hurt flashes across his eyes, and I crawl up to him, giving him a hug. “I’m not laughing at you, promise. I just…you’ve been so mad at me that you worrying about my triggers is kinda cute.”

Erik sits on the bed, naked and cross-legged, his damp hair hanging past his shoulders, his expression so damn sincere. “I haven’t been mad at you.”

I mirror his position and raise my brows. He lowers his chin, skimming his large hands over his legs.

“I’ve been really fucking worried for your safety. That’s not the same thing.”

I take his hands, stopping their nervous back-and-forth movements. “Trauma is rarely linear, Erik, but everything I do is mine. The thought of sex doesn’t bother me. Not anymore.”

“But from behind…?”

I shudder. “Too impersonal for the first time.” I bite my lip and rock forward, then decide to keep going. Crawling onto his lap, I tuck under his chin and explain, “I just wanted to see you.”

One large hand palms my ribs while the other pulls me in close. “Really? Even if all you’ll be able to see is my chest?”

I chuckle. “I just want to see that it’s you fucking me.”

“Oh,” he says, gently kissing my forehead. “Is that how you like it now?”

“Uh…” Sure, let’s go with that. “…yeah.”

“Okay.”

Instead of moving to lay me out on the bed, Erik cradles me even closer.

“Ant?”

“Yes?” I ask, breathing him in, rubbing my face against his strong pecs.

“Ant, look at me.”

I comply, leaning back just enough to look into his soft, curious eyes.

“How do you like it now?”

Something in the way he asks catches me off guard. The lie comes to mind easily enough, but the vulnerability in his ask silences my tongue.

I tuck my face against his shoulder.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Erik murmurs, rubbing my arm. “I didn’t mean to—”

“I don’t know,” I finally admit.

When he doesn’t say anything, I chance a look into his eyes right as understanding dawns. He opens his mouth, then closes it again.

Finally, he says, “Ant, I have a question for you.”

“Yes?” I sweep my hand over his chest, grazing his nipple. His sharp inhale gives me the out I need. Hoping to distract him, I kiss his pec, circling his nipple before gently sucking it into my mouth.

Erik’s dick, more than half-hard, jumps, and I know it’s the visual of me nursing his tit that has him hardening so quickly. He doesn’t want to admit it, but I know he’s turned on by how small I am compared to him.

I saw the video he was jacking off to when I walked in on him.

Erik palms the back of my head as I deepen the suction. My fingers find his other nipple, and I catch his cock bobbing out of the corner of my eye. A pearl of precum appears in his slit as his foreskin slides back to reveal a fat head with a thick ridge.

I drool a little in anticipation.

Groaning, he pulls away from me. I suck harder, stretching out his nipple before finally letting it go. I hungrily eye the puffy, spit-slick flesh until he brings my chin up, forcing my eyes onto him.

Fuck. Erik’s cheeks and jaw sharpen, and his demanding expression goes straight to my cock.

“I’m trying to ask you a question, Ant.”

“Sorry,” I say, maintaining eye contact while skimming a single fingertip over the sensitive nub.

He grumbles under his breath, and I stop what I’m doing.

“What did you want to ask me?” I blink up at him, biting my bottom lip, and the gesture successfully snags his eyes for a few more precious seconds. His nostrils flare, and I can’t wait to see what’s going on behind his heated expression.

Wiping his hand over his face, he resets and fixes me with a searching look.

Ah, fuck.

Pulling me close, he kisses my hair. “Ant…have you had sex since we rescued you?”

I go still, not sure how to answer him.

“Were any of those dates you told us about actually hookups?”

Looking off to the side, I give him the truth. “No.”

“Fucking hell,” Erik mutters as he runs his fingers through my hair. “I wish you would have said something.”

I grip him tight, hoping he won’t disappear from me. “If I did, it would’ve just convinced you all over again I’m some kid who’s too broken for you to even bother with.”

He inhales sharply but doesn’t say anything. I place a kiss on the corner of his jaw. “Please don’t be mad at me.”

“I told you, Ant,” he says, releasing his breath. “I’m not mad.”

I find his eyes again and see his sincerity. I feel it pounding in my chest.

“I’m not mad,” he repeats. “I promise.”

“I understand if you don’t—”

“No,” he says firmly. “I’m good. I’m just glad I found out beforehand.”

Needing to explain myself, I stumble over my words. “It’s just—you’re the only—” God, I’m so stupid.

“It’s just what, Ant?” Erik prompts, his voice soft.

I let out a long breath, hoping this doesn’t ruin everything. “It’s just that you’re the only guy I feel safe with. I mean, I would probably do okay with one of Luca’s guys—”

“No fucking way,” he growls, pulling me in close.

I chuckle, running my fingers over his chest hair, then admit, “Doing this with you makes me feel a whole lot safer.”

“You have always and will always be safe with me,” he promises, more serious than I’ve ever heard him before, which is saying something.

“I know,” I say, palming his pretty abs.

Erik growls under his breath, then taps beneath my chin. “C’mere.”

I tilt my face up, and he adjusts, pulling me into a deep, searching kiss.

My first real kiss.

I melt into it, loving how he holds me in his protective embrace. I need more, though, so I push Erik back against the pillows. Widening my thighs as much as I can, I let out a grunt as I straddle his large frame.

“Fuck, you’re muscular,” he whispers, pulling me down for another breath-stealing kiss as he rolls his hips, stroking his cock against mine.

I peer down between us and nearly laugh. Even fully hard, my completely normal-sized cock is comically small against his enormous shaft. Maybe it’s fucked up, but I love how tiny he makes me feel, even in this.

Blindly reaching for the lube, he curses as he loses control of the slippery bottle. Laughing, I catch it before it flies off the bed and hand it to him.

He pours a generous amount of lube onto his hands, warming it before slicking his thick middle finger down the furrow of my ass.

Circling his fingertip around the puckered skin, his voice goes rough. “May I?”

Answering him with a kiss, I wonder if I’ve ever been asked permission for anything to do with my body.

Carefully, carefully he pushes his middle finger inside me. I clench, inhaling sharply, and he slows even more. Taking a few deep breaths, I let myself relax into the intrusion.

“There you go,” he whispers, his voice warm and encouraging.

After another moment, he adds another thick finger. I grunt as I reach for the lube, rubbing it between my palms as he continues to impale me. Rolling my hips, I grasp his heavy cock, slicking it as I twist my small hands around his enormous shaft and head. I squeeze our cocks together, loving the groans and Nordic curses I’m pulling from his body.

He pegs me to the rhythm of my hands, adding a decadent third finger. Not wanting to lose my nerve, I pull away and open the condom wrapper, rolling it down his considerable length.

“Fuck. You’re a thick boy,” I whisper.

He grunts, grabbing my hips and pressing his fingers into the soft flesh. Without stopping to overthink it, I reach for his cock and guide it to my hole. Sinking down, I wince as his fat head stretches my rim.

Fuuuuck. I should’ve let him prep me more, but the nerves would’ve gotten the better of me. Leaning forward, I rest my forehead on his chest, breathing through the pain as my cock softens.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

He goes completely still, running his hands up and down my back as he whispers into my hair, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Am I too much?”

I shake my head, then reach up and kiss his jaw. “No, you’re perfect. I just need a minute.”

My voice is a little rougher than I anticipated, and he pulls his chin back, bringing a finger to wipe away a tear I didn’t know was there.

“You sure you’re okay?”

I take a deep breath, nodding as I find his caring eyes. “I have never been more okay in my entire life.”

His proud little smile just kills me, and I lift for a kiss, squeezing around him. He growls at the back of his throat and pushes in deeper. I’ve overheard him and Charlie talking about how he’s this super toppy lover, and I guess I thought it meant I’d have to be ready for him to be rough.

It’s Erik, though, and he would never hurt me, at least not intentionally. He’s being genuinely considerate—even as he pulls me down onto his full length—and I’m lost in the pleasure of it. I’d pulled up Luca’s site for exactly this result. Still, nothing about my extensive history with naked men prepared me to be treated so kindly.

He raises his brows, a silent check-in, and I nod, slowly rolling my hips as I work through the reality of a lover who takes my comfort and pleasure seriously.

I didn’t know it could feel like this.

I whimper when he starts playing with my softened cock, making yummy, happy noises as he teases it back to hardness. Satisfied with his work, he kisses me again, pairing that with careful upward thrusts.

I momentarily consider how much it’s going to suck when this trip is over, then dismiss the thought. Tonight is about taking something back. Or, since my autonomy—a word Hedy taught me—was stripped from me, tonight is about giving myself the thing I never had.

Permission to enjoy pleasure.

Permission to—oh fuck.

“What did you just do?” I gasp, pulling myself back into the moment.

He stops immediately. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

I shake my head, gripping his shoulders in case he tries to run off. “You angled and hit…something. Do it again.”

He frowns and thrusts up with a tilt of his hips.

Jesus Fucking Christ. My eyes blow wide open, and I begin to beg, to babble, to speak in tongues. I remember being instructed on how magical the prostate is, but that was always for the johns’ pleasure, never mine. Maybe I’ve always been too numb to enjoy it, or maybe Erik is the first man who’s ever purposefully targeted it, but…

“Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, don’t stop. Please—fucking hell—keep doing th-that,” I whine, thrusting down every time he angles up.

Something dark and beautiful crosses his features, and he changes his grip—one hand is still on my hip while the other finds my shoulder. He yanks down and thrusts at the same time, and I let my head drop back. My jaw goes slack as my eyes roll back in my head as pleasure like I’ve never felt before floods every muscle fiber and synapse in my body.

Suddenly, I’m hit with the shock of an orgasm so complete I lose sight of consciousness for a second. When I was in the life, I’d read somewhere about the petit morte, the act of briefly losing consciousness during an orgasm. Sometimes, if I thought it would move things along, I’d fake it to make the guy think he was the best lover ever.

I didn’t think it was a real thing.

“Ant?”

I blink my eyes open, and Erik, still inside me, has stopped with a worried expression. He mentioned getting growly and possessive in the middle of things, but this look? I nearly faint again.

I shake out my muscles, and he sucks in a breath. Squeezing tight around him, I grab his shoulders again, kissing him, rolling my hips. I whisper into his ear, “You fucked me stupid, lover. Keep going.”

That darkly passionate expression filters over his face again, and he pulls me off him, laying me back so my head rests on fluffy pillows. Hovering, he looks down at me like I’m some kind of puzzle or magic trick. He waits for a beat before dragging down one of the pillows and setting it under my hips.

“Oh, fancy—”

He thrusts forward, punching the air from my lungs as he enters me again. Automatically, I wrap my legs around him and move with his thrusts. I came so hard I can’t imagine coming again tonight, but the power of him moving in my body is so new and unexpected, I giggle.

It’s a sexy giggle. Shut up.

Even better, his dark, dangerous expression breaks, and he laughs, low and deep enough to feel. His hand goes to my shoulder and he skims his thumb up and over my Adam’s apple with a wistful look.

“I don’t like being choked, but a hand necklace is a lovely accessory,” I say, arching against his thumb.

His switch back to Dark Erik is immediate and satisfying. Carefully wrapping his fingers around my neck as his blown-out eyes bore into my soul, he speeds up his thrusts.

“Harder,” I beg. My cock has somehow managed to revive itself, a fact that fucking takes my breath away.

“Coming,” he grunts, shortening his thrusts, his hips shuddering until he comes with a big, gasping breath.

Still gulping for air, he sways over me before carefully pulling out. I wince at the loss of him and am surprised when he doesn’t immediately head for the bathroom. Instead, he clumsily rolls over to sit on the side of the bed, his long legs akimbo. His back and ass muscles flex in the low apartment lighting as he removes the condom, knotting it before tossing it into the little bin by the bed.

And just like that, I have a much more positive association with the smell of latex, lube, and cum. He grabs a few tissues from the box on the windowsill, which he uses to wipe the cum off my belly.

“You okay?” he asks, his voice warm and his eyes thoughtful.

“Yeah,” I breathe out. “I’m fucking amazing.”

He cups my jaw, grinning. Almost sheepish. Until his eyes fall back to my cock.

“Wait, are you ready to go again?”

“I can take care of it—”

The air punches from my lungs when he, in all his naked glory, lazily slants toward my cock, taking it into his generous mouth. I can list on one hand the number of johns who were even remotely interested in giving me a blowjob, and never once did I feel what I’m feeling now.

My hand lands on his head. “Oh my God. Erik,” I say, coming softly into his mouth. “I’ve never…”

I let my words fade off. It doesn’t matter if I’ve never whatevered before. This is the dawn of a new era.

When he pulls away, I collapse onto the bed, wrung out from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet. Chuckling, he carefully pulls the duvet out from under me, then snuggles in close, pulling it over us.

Oh God. As hot as the sex was, this is somehow even better.

Complaining, he mutters words like no, not like that, come here as he bodily rearranges me so I’m basically forced to cling to his side.

Mmph. The indignity, I think, grinning to myself.

My shoulder fits perfectly under his armpit, and he snakes his long arm down my back to cup my ass. I place my hand on his belly, rubbing it in comforting circles.

“Mm, that’s better,” he mumbles, tightening his grip on me before dropping off to sleep like a heavy coin dropped into a deep well. His deep, rhythmic breath moves like a warm wave under me. Before I can freak out and pinch myself for having a night like this with him, I find myself dropping off into that same deep well.

Before sleep claims me, a silly thought makes me smile. Wouldn’t it be funny if we fell together?