ANGELS AND GHOSTS

The Resurrection

On a glorious afternoon, Marco swelled with the importance of a minor victory; he had coaxed her out of the apartment. He parked his wheelchair by the edge of the park bench, and she sat on the bench and then rested her face on his shoulder.

As they sat and watched the activity around them, Marco said fondly, “I love coming down here Teriny.”

“Yeah, it’s okay, but we should get going soon, because I need a drink.”

“Ohhh, I forgot to tell you …”

“What?”

“Today is an alcohol and drug-free day.”

“What?”

Fully expecting a torrent of abuse and threats to come hurtling in his direction, he said hesitantly, “Until further notice, every second day is going to be an alcohol and drug-free day for you until you get your shit together.”

“What, you’re my mother?”

Surprised by the subdued response, he nodded and said, “Well, for the time being, I’m your guardian.”

Rachael wanted to argue with him, but she was so fucking tired; so she nestled in closer to him, thinking about what he said, thinking about what had happened to her, and wondering, just wondering if she had the will or the spirit to get her shit together.

Silence settled over them until Marco moaned, “Ohhh God,”

“What?” she asked quietly.

“That bitch in the halter-neck top and skimpy blue shorts, she’ll be in my dreams tonight!”

Rachael looked up lazily, followed his stare and then whacked him. “Pervert!”

“Yes, I own up to that,” he agreed. “But did you see her tits bouncing around?”

Rachael laughed, and Marco felt the positive emotions rush through him, for that was almost the real Rachael Terina laugh.

He pinched his nose, blinked his eyes, then said, “So okay, from now on, every Wednesday we’ll go to the movies, then maybe every Friday we’ll go to the Mexican restaurant.”

“Mexican restaurant?”

“Yes, I love the Chilli Tavern.”

Rachael pondered then asked, “Friday, is that an alcohol-free day?”

Marco did the math, “Two, two … yeah.”

“No way!” she protested. “I’m not eating chilli and nacho’s without drinking beer!”

“Jesus, okay, we’ll go Thursday night, but Rach, every second day, no booze or drugs.”

She smiled sheepishly and nodded, “Yeah okay.”

*

Thanks to Marco, her dependence on alcohol began diminishing, and her craving for cocaine, while not being overcome, was under control. Going down the park twice a week was okay, because she realised that she liked watching normal people do the things that normal people did; and they ate out twice a week, and they went to the movies once a week, and on one of the alcohol-free days, he did blow her, and she cried.

With joy, or hope.

Because they still came for her every night, the worst, the most horrendous moments of her life ambushing her and reducing her to a blubbering mess.

Something had to happen, she knew that, and on a cool fall morning, she took a baby step, a big baby step, and timidly, she opened up and told Marco about them, the nightmares.

He listened to everything, and with tears dribbling down his cheeks, he embraced her, and Rachael felt … not special, she felt like she wasn’t alone.

*

October the eighth was a significant day for Rachael, because that was the day she drove to Bassington Cemetery.

More than three weeks ago, she had almost killed herself, but Aunty had said no, so Rachael wanted to find out why.

Sitting on the blanket, she faced the headstone as the tears dribbled down her cheeks, and she said blandly, “I don’t know why you did it, I mean I don’t understand why you saved me.”

She lowered her gaze and sighed. Every time she saw Aunty, booze and marijuana accompanied her, although this was a self-imposed booze and drug free visit, and accordingly, she wasn’t sure what to do with her hands.

She twiddled her thumbs as she said quietly, “You must know that I’m completely fucked up.”

Aunty was silent.

“There’s nothing out there for me Jen, I mean I haven’t got a future, I can’t be a normal person, so you know, why did you stop me?”

Aunty remained silent … although memories drifted in. Memories of loving and being loved. Of falling asleep in each other’s arms. Of waking up curled in next to her, glad that a new day had arrived, and more love could be dispensed. Of laughing and kissing, noses pressed together as they dreamily gazed into each other’s eyes.

Rachael sobbed at the memories, although she shook her hair back and gazed at the headstone, then stated wryly, “Yeah, I get your point, it was good … no, I mean it was great, but Jen, everything’s too hard now.”

More memories floated in, including a few recent ones; Marco holding her hair back as she spewed her guts out in his toilet; Marco stroking her brow as she sobbed through entire days; Marco ripping cans out of her grasp, then hiding his cocaine so that she wouldn’t find it; Marco being there, when she needed him to be there.

Rachael cocked her head and asked with a hint of annoyance, “Jen, didn’t you understand the bit about me being totally fucked up?”

Another memory flitted in, an excited phrase ringing out, Ohhh Jiminy Cricket! the orator of the phrase then blushing.

Rachael smiled at that one, and nodded her head.

A gentle breeze swept through the cemetery grounds, and Rachael assumed that most people would think that it was Mother Natures whispered breath, but she knew it wasn’t. She knew it was Aunty.

Rachael bowed her head and said solemnly, “Okay, well I’ll try, but don’t expect too much from me, because I’m totally cluster-fucked inside out and upside down.”

Rachael moved forward and hugged the two-foot headstone, and blubbering, she said, “I’ll try Jen, and yeah, maybe first step is I’ll ring mom again and, and … yeah, well I’ll ring her; I guess somebody has to make the first move.”

Kneeling, Rachael wiped tears away as she mumbled, “So if I fuck everything up, if I fuck up the rest of this fucked up life, you’re responsible, okay?”

Rachael blurted out a laugh, because she could almost imagine Aunty Jenna replying, No Rach, you’re quite capable of fucking it all up by yourself!

Rachael stood and gathered the blanket, then took a moment to gaze around the cemetery; headstones everywhere, graves everywhere, people no longer here, loved ones departed, although Rachael sombrely realised, she wasn’t ready to join them.

Not yet.

*

Psychologically, she was better than she had been a month ago, although on the bad nights, they kept blowing her candle out.

Sleeping a little bit better though, and she noted with confusion, that she slept better when she wasn’t juiced up or zonked out; and maybe it was Aunty Jenna, or maybe it was the Avenging Angel or maybe it was Melanie, or fuck, it might even have been Rachael herself who decided that a new phase of her life had to begin.

Rachael fronted Marco and declared that all weekdays would now be alcohol and drug free, and Friday and Saturday nights would be the party up nights.

Marco pinched his nose and declared, “Ohhh God, you remind me of someone.”

“Who?”

“You remind me of the girl of my dreams, Rachael Terina.”

And during the weekdays, free of alcohol and drugs, she talked to him, her best friend, and told him about her fears, told him how scared she was of her future, and she also told him that she was going to try.

Baby steps, tip-toeing cautiously back into life, and it felt good talking to him, because he listened, and he soothed, and he encouraged.

Rachael didn’t want to, but in the end, she knew she had to, she had to let him know that he had actually saved her life; so after dinner one night, she told him about the night she almost killed herself.

Marco was shocked, rattled, and with tears streaming down his cheeks, he had blurted aggressively, “If you ever try anything like that again, I’ll fucking kill you!”

Surprised by his unusual display of aggression, she stared at him, then after a moment, she coughed into her hand. And the cough developed into a little giggle.

He stared at her, angry and confused, then he asked sullenly, “What?”

“If I try to kill myself again, you’ll kill me?” she mocked.

Marco settled and then said quietly, “You know what I mean.”

And she shoved him in the shoulder, laughing now, “Fucking idiot!”

And he shoved her back, “You’re the fucking idiot!”

She wanted to come back at him, but she was laughing too much, and Marco smiled, then he chuckled, then laughed, both of them soon howling with laughter, Rachael snorting as she tried to control herself.

Marco had never heard her laugh so wildly, and with tears welling in his eyes from the laughter and the emotion, he patted her hand and said, “Yeah snort for me Baby, because there’s a new Rachael Terina blossoming, and I can’t wait to meet her!”

*

The next day was overcast, a chill in the air as the woman sat at the bench and said, “Hi.”

No answer, so the woman asked, “You wanted to see me?”

Leaning forward with her head down and her elbows on her knees, Rachael nodded.

“Okay, well I’m here.”

Distractedly, she looked up then lowered her gaze again as she asked, “Is there anything in the pipeline?”

“One query at the moment, nothing definite though.” she replied. “Why do you ask?”

“I think I’m done.”

“Sorry, Little One?”

She gazed at her then sighed, “I think I’m done, I mean I’m ready to walk away.”

The woman ran it through her mind, then said, “The agreement we had was that you could walk away whenever you wanted.”

Silence.

The woman turned to her and asked, “I presume this is because of the Cummings and Rocello incident?”

“Yeah, that got me understanding that I am mortal,” Rachael began as she leant back and gazed out at the park, “But also my life is really complicated at the moment, and I’m just trying to uncomplicate it a little.”

“Anything I can help you with?”

“Can you get me a new brain?” she asked, smiling wryly, then added, “And a new batch of memories?”

“Love to help you, but sorry, out of my skill set.”

Rachael kept staring straight ahead as she said uncertainly, “I dunno, I guess I’m just thinking about it, wondering whether I could live a normal life.”

“Little One, you’re a woman of many talents, and if you set your mind to something, I’d be surprised if you didn’t achieve it.”

Rachael swivelled side on to her, resting her left arm on the back of the bench as she said quietly, “I haven’t got many friends, I mean when I got involved with you, I never bothered cultivating friendships because it didn’t seem important, and yeah, now I’m thinking, okay, what’s my life about?”

“You’re an attractive, vibrant, young woman, and if you’re looking to cultivate friendships now, well I’m thinking that it will happen.”

Rachael gazed at her lap as she said, “Something unsettling happened to me recently, and I want … no, actually, I need to tell someone about it. I mean I’ve spoken to Marco about it, but I’d like to tell you as well, because, yeah, I think you’ll understand.”

“Well the incident was horrific, so you have every right to be unsettled.” the woman replied solemnly.

“Yeah, well unfortunately I think that’s with me for the rest of my days, but the thing that made me take stock of my life happened a couple of weeks back.”

“I’m listening.”

“I haven’t been sleeping much, and when I do sleep, all the nightmares snap me awake, and ever since I got out of hospital, I’ve been drinking so much and doing weed and powder all the time, trying to wipe myself out, you know, trying to hold everything at bay, and I’ve been slipping further and further into this deep depression,” Rachael sighed, then she continued quietly, “So about a month ago, I got wildly drunk, then I had a snort, and yeah, I decided, this is it.”

“To walk away from our arrangement?”

“No,” Rachael couldn’t hold her gaze as she continued, “I was going to kill myself.”

“Ohhh God, Rachael!”

Rachael looked up timidly and muttered, “I, I was only moments away, I mean I had a knife against my throat, and I was going to do it …”

The woman saw the tears welling in her eyes.

“And the only reason I didn’t do it was because somehow, I dunno how to explain it, but she spoke to me, or entered my mind or something.”

The woman waited, then asked, “Who?”

Rachael sighed and then whispered, “Jenna.”

The woman grabbed Rachael’s free hand and held it tightly as she said respectfully, “Jen was a wonderful person.”

“Yeah, she was my hero, and even though her body was being eaten away, she battled through each day, and I know for a fact that the only reason she took her own life was because she didn’t want to become a burden for me.” Rachael shook her hair back, took a deep breath, then said, “So I looked at myself in the mirror and said, Come on you little wimp, your Aunty was dying but she had the courage to battle through, so as a tribute to Jen, just grow some balls and do something with the rest of your life.”

The woman wasn’t sure how to reply to such a statement, then a strange thought hit her, and she smirked as she said, “You’d look a little unusual with a pair of balls.”

Rachael smiled then said, “So to honour Jen, today is the first day of the rest of my life, and with that in mind, I’m going to start cultivating.”

“Pardon?”

“I’d like to have a few friends, and I mean I respect and admire you …”

Putting two and two together, the woman asked, “You’re cultivating me?”

“Guess I am.”

“Miss Terina, I would love to be friends with you.”

Rachael embraced her, and with tears dribbling down her cheeks, she pulled back to look at her. “Can I ask you something, I mean this is something that I’ve always wanted to know, and if we are going to be friends, it’s something that I need to know.”

“Ask away.”

“What’s your name?”

The woman smiled and said, “Marcia.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Marcia …”

“What?”

“Can I hug you again?”

Marcia beamed as she replied, “Ohhh lucky me, two hugs in one day!”

The hug was welcoming, and it felt warm and safe, so Rachael rested her head on Marcia’s shoulder, and even though she wasn’t good at this, she pushed the resistance out of her mind, and she cried. She didn’t cry like a baby, she cried as if she’d had her brain picked like a chicken bone, and she’d gone half insane.

Amidst the sobbing, Rachael coughed out a laugh, because she realised that half insane was a whole lot better than totally, straight-jacket-me-up insane.

“You okay?” Marcia asked respectfully.

“Yeah.” Rachael sniffled.

She was okay, and it felt so good, it felt so revitalizing to let her emotions run free, that she squeezed in closer and kept crying.

THE END