Altered Path

Poor Gideon, who thought I was resting comfortably in my bed at home, would be very upset with me when he found I had left.

I didn’t care. I had just found out I would not be becoming a mommy in a few months, like I thought. I couldn’t imagine moving on with my life as if nothing had happened.

I drove in silence because I was afraid I would enjoy the sound of the radio and I felt I didn’t deserve even that small pleasure.

I didn’t see the road in front of me. Visions of all the things that would never be haunted my mind. Some base part of me had to have taken control of my body since my mind was spiraling out of control.

Where am I going? I asked myself during one lucid second, but I was pulled back into my depressing dream thoughts again.

…. watching my little one taking their first steps. I’m alone but I feel happy. My baby looks happy. I hear their laughter and I will them to look at me so I can see if they look like me or Erik…. then I hear growling, crunching, tearing and crashing. I’m back in Erik’s apartment and I’m watching the fight that ended in Erik’s death….

I heard the honking and screeching of tires as my car veered into oncoming traffic, but it didn’t register that I was in danger.

I laughed a little.

….my child’s first birthday, and I see now that my little girl would have had Erik’s smile and my eyes. She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. She tries to blow out the candles on a huge, pink cake but ends up spitting on most of it. It makes me laugh….

This will never happen. I failed my baby. I had one job. All I had to do was keep my baby safe inside me until she was ready to be born.

I failed. It hurt. It hurt so badly. I could feel the reality of the pain like a million hot blades piercing my soul.

“Here we are,” I said, softly, pulling the big SUV off the paved road and onto an overgrown gravel path.

There was a worn sign on the side of the path stating that vehicles should not use this path, but I ignored it. I knew where I was going.

I drove on through the brush. I shut off my headlights. The way ahead was clear enough. When I felt the 'bump, bump' of the tires climbing the train tracks, I straightened the wheels. I didn’t look in front of me. I knew all I would see was darkness and I felt that deep in my bones already.

Suddenly, there was a screech of metal and the car tipped forward.

My stomach did a flip flop, and I almost opened my eyes, but instead I pressed down hard on the gas.

There were a few moments where I felt weightless. It was nice, but it scared me.

It scared me.