Alive At Night (Wildflower Series Book 1)

A FEW MINUTES AFTER Noah dropped me off at my apartment, there was a knock on my door. I frowned, wondering if he’d come back for some reason. Although it was odd that he wouldn’t have just sent a text or—

“Oh, thank fuck.”

I opened my door to find Julian leaning against the frame. His chest heaved while snow melted into his gingery locks. And he was peering up at me with such angry relief. I didn’t know how else to describe it. Tension rolled off his shoulder in waves, his movements stiff as he straightened. And then, without another word, he grabbed my hips and walked me back into my apartment again.

“What are you doing here?”

My words were breathless as a snow-covered Julian guided me through the entryway and into the kitchen. Once he had me pressed against the counter with a thrilling sort of roughness, his attention turned to the rest of the apartment, scoping it out.

“He’s not here,” I said dryly.

Julian ran a hand through his hair, pulling a bit on the ends before he looked down at me again. His hair was wet now, hanging over his forehead.

“He better not fucking be here,” he said, eyes wild as he slid so close to me that his damp clothes—the same suit he wore earlier at work—brushed over my bare skin. I repressed a shiver.

Instead of entertaining that comment, I repeated my earlier question. “What are you doing here, Julian? It’s late.”

“Noah wouldn’t tell me what restaurant you went to for dinner.” His hand returned to my side, gripping it between his fingers as though to check if I was actually there. “In fact, that ass barely responded to me at all.”

“Because we were eating dinner,” I emphasized before holding my breath as Julian put his hands on the kitchen countertop and slid them forward. Meaning that all those little brushes of his body against mine were obliterated. He was firm and hard, and his hips held mine captive.

“What did you have?” he whispered, his tone growing soft.

“For dinner?” I whispered back. “Pasta.”

“And did you eat all of it?” His eyes wandered my face, ready to detect any signs of a lie.

“Most of it.”

Julian’s lips curved slightly. “That’s my girl.”

My girl.

I wanted it. I wanted to be someone’s girl, but mostly, I wanted to be Julian’s girl. I wanted this fierceness of his and the tender way he held me when we shared a bed. I wanted to talk to him about my books and tell him what I had eaten for dinner. I wanted him to fix my hair when it wasn’t right and dance with me when I felt lonely.

But he thought all of those things were a bad idea.

And yet, here we were.

“Julian, what’s happening?” It was a good thing he was so close because I could only seem to make my words so loud. “What is this?”

I worried his answer would break me, but I also worried that not asking would break me more.

“It’s nothing new,” he confessed, his jaw continuing to clench angrily even though his eyes were soft and imploring. “Not for me. I spent so many years pushing you away because of it, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Juni.” His apology was marred by a curse beneath his breath. “But you have to understand what it was like.”

“What what was like?”

“You were everywhere, Juniper.” His voice scraped my soul. “Every time I turned the corner, you were there. Your stacks of books, that perfume, clothes—all over my house. Everywhere, all the time. Such a goddamn tease. Because even though you were there, you hated me. And even if you didn’t, I couldn’t have you.”

My head swam with his words. Unbelievable, world-altering words. But somehow, I managed a reply.

“I only hated you because of how you made me feel. You were the only one who never accepted me, who didn’t consider me welcome. All I wanted was more family to call my own.”

I loved my parents to no end, but being an only child grew lonely sometimes. The chaos, the connectivity of the Briggs family…it drew me in and held me tight.

“I know.” His face screwed up. “And I didn’t know how to give you what you wanted, Juniper. Because it didn’t feel like we could be…that. Not with how I wanted you.” He sighed. “Do you remember the car accident you and Gemma were in?”

“Of course I do.” How could I forget when he brought it up so frequently? When he’d never let me forget the moment that seemed like the breaking point between us. “You were so mad at me. Because of what happened to Gemma—”

He shook his head before piercing me with a look so intense that my breath vanished. “No. I was so mad because of you.”

“Me?”

“My sister was lying in the hospital bed, and I couldn’t stop obsessing over you. Over what could have happened to you. I love Gemma to no end, but you—you, Juni…” He grasped my face between both of his hands. “I felt so guilty. About all of it. Those feelings didn’t feel fair to Gemma. They didn’t feel fair to you because I knew what you wanted, and it wasn’t that. I was mad; you’re right. I was mad at all of it, and after that, I pushed you so far away until I couldn’t feel you anymore, and instead, all I felt was anger. That was what I held on to in the end.”

I was wrong. In his own twisted way, Julian did protect me from himself. He just didn’t realize it wasn’t necessary. And it was futile.

Because here we were.

“Being around you these last few months, Juniper…” He closed his eyes momentarily, seeming nearly remorseful. His hands fell back to his sides. “It’s like little pieces of you are coming back to me. And it’s not that I’m realizing how much I want you. I’m remembering it. Bit by bit, I’m remembering it. Even though I tried really fucking hard to hold on to the anger, I just couldn’t.”

“Why, Julian?” I shook my head, practically speechless. “I don’t want you to feel that way anymore. I don’t want that for us.”

“Because I thought it was better for you, Juni. And for my family.”

“It isn’t,” I insisted. “It isn’t what’s better.”

I was so sure of that. I was so sure that we could live in a world where Julian and I didn’t hate each other, and I was so sure we could do it in a way that didn’t disrupt any relationships, not with work, not with Gemma or any of his other sisters. If things didn’t work between us, the worst-case scenario was reverting back to what it was before: arguments, hurt hearts, and irritation. And we would survive. We would exist.

I had a feeling we could live, though.

“I know that now,” Julian admitted, leaving me speechless. “It’s not better. It’s awful, Juni. It’s awful because I want you so badly. I want you more than I know how to explain. And I can’t…anymore. I can’t.”

His words made me feel like I was soaring, but then his expression pulled inward again, and I immediately knew my high wouldn’t last.

“But you went on a date with fucking Noah, and now I—” Julian cut short, like he couldn’t even stand to finish the sentence. All of his fire dredged back up again, simmering in every movement. “What happened after dinner?”

At his accusatory tone, my own anger flared. I was still reeling from his words, but in a way, they made everything worse. He had all that bottled up inside him, and he still pushed me away last week?

It made it seem that much more hopeless.

And I refused to exist hopelessly.

“He drove me home.”

“He better not have fucking touched you,” Julian growled, raking his gaze over my body as though he’d be able to see if Noah’s hands had touched my skin.

I shivered. And then something unexplainable possessed me to reply, “Unfortunately, he didn’t.”

“Unfortunately?” Julian forced the word out in a deadly whisper.

“Well, no one else is touching me,” I said, rephrasing my words from earlier about the date. He had to understand that if he was going to stick to his convictions about how we couldn’t be, I’d need to move on. I was tired of feeling unwanted. “And I’d rather not remain a virgin forever.”

Julian’s eyes snapped to my face. “What did you just say?”

His voice was eerily soft.

Mine was even softer.

“You heard me.”

He stared, unmoving. His breathing grew shallow, and I wished I knew what he was thinking. I wished I could gauge his reaction, but his expression remained stoic and stunned. When he spoke, his voice was taut.

“You’re a virgin?”

“It’s not a big deal.” I swallowed, suddenly regretting my impulsive confession. “Virginity is just a social construct, Julian.”

“You brought it up, not me.” He leaned closer, a new kind of heat burning in his eyes. “And now I need you to answer the question.”

“You know the answer,” I replied breathlessly.

Despite the cold, snowy night, sweat began to gather on the small of my back beneath my dress. Usually, I hated the sensation. But tonight, I welcomed the warmth that brought it.

“Fuck, Juni.”

Julian abruptly dropped his head. Almost like it had been too heavy to hold up any longer. I felt the absence of his gaze so acutely, my blood instantly cooling. He swore again under his breath as I remained caged between his arms against the countertop. I wasn’t sure what was about to happen, but something was. Something that would either hurt or heal me.

“Juniper,” Julian murmured, raising his head slowly.

“Julian,” I whispered, trying not to look away. I likely should, though. His look was so hazy with lust, and the last thing I wanted was to make the same mistake I’d made before when he looked at me like that.

He brushed a hair out of my face. The tenderness of it completely contrasted his body’s hard angles and delicious weight as it crowded me against the countertop. I barely dared to breathe while waiting for him to say something more, and when he did, his husky voice kissed my skin.

“From now on, if you want someone to take you on a date, it’s going to be me,” he muttered, his fingers dragging along my jawline to my chin, holding on to it so I wouldn’t look away. “And if you want someone to fuck you, that’ll be me, too.” He rocked his hips against mine, letting me feel how ready he was for it. “Not anyone else. Me, Juni. Understood?”

All my nerve endings lit up, blazing, and I had to swallow a groan before speaking. “What happened to just existing?”

“At this point, I don’t even know how to do that without you,” he grunted, dropping his forehead against mine. “I’ve never not wanted you, Juni. I’ve tried for years not to want you, but I can’t do it anymore. I want to be around you constantly.”

“Constantly?”

Despite the desperation in his voice, I found that hard to believe.

“Constantly, Daisy.” The confession brushed against my lips. “I think about you constantly. I want you constantly.”

My eyes fluttered shut as I felt Julian’s lips press against the corner of my mouth. And then my jaw. And then I tipped my head back slightly to allow him to trail his open mouth down my neck. He tugged the ends of my long hair to keep me exposed for him before groaning my name into that spot where my pulse thumped faster and faster. My breathing came in short spurts as his free hand slid up my back and fisted my dress like it was all he could do to hold on to his restraint.

I didn’t want him to restrain himself, but I knew he was waiting for me to say something. And while I longed to demand that he put that talented mouth to work, I’d learned my lesson.

“That’s an awfully bold statement without any proof,” I said breathlessly.

I needed proof. More of it. Or a different kind of it, at the very least.

I felt Julian’s dark chuckle against my skin as he released my hair. His face emerged from the crook of my neck again, gaze meeting mine. It was bright. He smirked. “Don’t ask for proof unless you’re ready to get it, Juniper.”

“I’m ready.” I licked my lips, trying not to pay too close attention to how Julian’s eyes dropped to my mouth.

“Tell me more,” he encouraged.

“What do you want to know?”

“I couldn’t give you what you wanted when we were younger. What do you want now?” His eyes glittered, hopeful. “Is it something I can give you? I need to know what you’re ready for. I need to know what proof you want.”

Years. I’d wanted this version of Julian for years—the one who looked me in the eyes and told me I belonged in his life, in any capacity. But now I didn’t want to just exist in his life. I wanted to live it with him, which was a terrifying realization.

Although it made my answer easy.

“I want you, Julian,” I admitted. My voice sounded raw to my ears, but it also sounded real. “I’ve been wanting you. So now I want you to prove that you want me, too. Completely and constantly, like you claim. Not just in these moments.”

Julian’s lips split into a satisfied grin, reminding me how ridiculously handsome he was. “Not just in these moments?”

I’d thought that maybe he’d feel rejected by those words—that this, right now, wasn’t enough for me to move forward. But he seemed giddy about it.

“It’s hard to trust that things that happen at night will still feel real in the morning,” I explained.

Julian nodded, taking a step back, and my body ached with the separation. He’d come back, right? He had to.

“Don’t be a moonflower, Julian,” I whispered.

But his grin only grew. “I won’t be. I’m going to give you proof morning, noon, and night, Juni. Trust me. This is the easiest thing you’ve ever asked of me.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I’d never witnessed Julian with this sort of elated expression on his face before, and it was leaving me speechless. He didn’t seem bothered by my silence, though. Leaning forward, he gave me the briefest kiss on the forehead before striding off toward the door again.

When he reached it, he glanced back. His lips curled as he trailed his gaze over me, making me regret not kissing him when I had the chance.

“See you in the morning, Juni baby,” he murmured.

And then he was gone, leaving me excited to fall asleep for the first time in a decade.