Alive At Night (Wildflower Series Book 1)

“I SHOULDN’T HAVE KISSED you, and I’m sorry.”

Despite my words, Julian’s face remained a blank slate as he stared at me from his position halfway out the door. His lack of reaction made me wary. I should be apologizing for a lot more than the kiss, but I couldn’t get myself to bring up any of the other embarrassing things. I shouldn’t have kissed him. I shouldn’t have asked to wear his hands as a bra. I shouldn’t have goaded him to touch me while asking for proof.

To say I’d been dying of mortification for the last thirty-six hours was an understatement.

Yes, he kissed me back. Thoroughly, too. But then he pushed me away. And I wasn’t that drunk. I wasn’t too drunk to kiss. All I wanted was a few more moments with his lips on mine.

Okay, fine. That was a lie. But still, Julian had been steadfast in his refusal to kiss me, to touch me, to even look at me. My memories might have been fuzzy, but I would never forget how stiff he’d grown when I tried to sleep half-naked—another thing I shouldn’t have done.

Once upon a time, he told me he wasn’t afraid of a little bare skin, but he proved that statement dead wrong over the weekend. Afraid, repulsed…who knew exactly how Julian felt about me sleeping without a shirt, but he sure as hell didn’t want it to happen.

Always good enough to kiss, never good enough to wait around for anything else—that was my story.

I cleared my throat. “I think I just got carried away with all the fake…” I trailed off when a muscle in Julian’s jaw clenched and tried again to explain what I meant.

“I know all those moments on Saturday night were just for show. I know that, Julian. I just forgot for a split second, got swept away in them, and I’m sorry. You don’t need to worry that—”

“Juni.”

“—that I’m going to act differently around you,” I continued, ignoring Julian’s low voice. He took a slow step toward me, and I dodged him, inching sideways until we were stuck in a moving circle while I rambled. He tried to get closer with every step, crowding me. “You don’t need to worry at all. I’m certainly not delusional in thinking that you—”

“Juniper.”

“—want me like that. Trust me, I am more than aware that you don’t have any real interest in me. Not like that. I mean—”

Julian stole the rest of my words with his lips, kissing me and knocking me back into his desk in a single swift movement that left me reeling.

His talented lips broke from mine for one split second to grunt, “Shut up,” before he dove in again, capturing my mouth with his for a second time. I kissed him back recklessly, momentarily losing myself in how our tongues tangled and lips clashed. Why? Why did he have to be so good at this?

I slipped away with a gasp as reason returned to me. “Jul—”

“God, you drive me up the wall.” Julian grabbed me by the throat and wrenched us back together. “I said shut up.”

I shut up.

Our lips fused back together.

Although, I was torn. Because even though I loved the feeling of his lips on mine, I didn’t want him to think that he had to do this. He didn’t have to kiss me. He didn’t have to do anything. That was the whole point of this conver—

“Now, stop thinking,” Julian grumbled against my lips, giving my neck another frustrated squeeze before running his hands reverently down my body. “I want you. I desperately want you like this. You have no idea, Juni baby.”

Chills ran across my skin. Maybe I was easily convinced, but those words combined with his mouth, his hands, his hard body—it wiped all my other doubts away.

I desperately want you.

I couldn’t comprehend it, but I didn’t care. Not right now. I stopped thinking and threw my hands around Julian’s neck.

Julian made a gruff noise of approval in the back of his throat. Continuing to kiss me, he slid both hands beneath my ass to hoist me up before kicking the door shut and pressing me up against it. His hips anchored us there, rocking against me while his lips trailed down my neck. I wrapped my legs around his waist and held on tight.

“It wasn’t fake,” he breathed, his lips fanning my skin. “The kiss, the things you said in the hotel room… Tell me it wasn’t fake. Tell me it was more than getting swept up in the moment.”

“I thought you wanted me to shut up,” I retorted while fighting to catch my breath.

He moaned in frustration, fingers curling into my hair and tugging, forcing my head back to expose more of my neck. His voice dropped to a tone I didn’t dare disobey. “Well, now I want to hear your pretty little mouth tell me it wasn’t fake.”

“It wasn’t fake.”

None of it was fake, not a single moment.

“I know,” Julian groaned into my neck, and my stomach flipped. He peppered kisses on my hot skin, his lips never leaving for long, making me feel wanted. Like he had on Saturday night. Until he pushed me away.

“Don’t stop,” I whispered. “Don’t stop tonight.”

Julian did the exact opposite of what I wanted him to do. He stopped. He’d always been infuriating like that. He’d always done exactly what he wanted to without a care—

“You know I didn’t want to stop, right?”

Julian’s piercing blue eyes were only inches from mine as he stared at me. His breaths were deep, chest heaving beneath his white button-down, his hands shaking as they left my hair to travel over my skin.

But his eyes were steady.

“Pushing you away this weekend was the hardest fucking thing.” His husky voice made my insides swirl and my head spin. It felt like a dream, like something I’d imagined. “The things I would have done to you if you hadn’t been drunk, Juni…God.”

My mouth ran dry, and I could barely get my words to leave my throat. “That wasn’t how you were acting.”

Those blue eyes darkened, turning hazy with lust. “It was all I could do to keep my fucking shit together with how you were teasing the hell out of me.” His voice lowered. “You’re gonna pay for that, by the way.”

I dropped my voice so it matched his. “I already told you not to stop, Julian.”

He smirked before kissing me again, and the perfect way his lips moved across mine proved this was some version of heaven. Every inch of my body screamed at me. My hands needed to move, needed to feel more of Julian. My muscles tensed, doing everything to hold on to him and never let go. The pulse between my legs ached.

God, it ached, and it was hard to comprehend that it was all for Julian. Julian. But now that I wasn’t drunk, I felt it with such clarity, such intensity. It would destroy me if I wasn’t careful.

What happened when magnets resisted their pull? It couldn’t be good.

“Fuck, this wasn’t supposed to happen,” Julian cursed harshly, suddenly mad. Not at me, though. At himself. But it didn’t keep him from kissing me. It didn’t stop his hand from running up my leg, from inching beneath my skirt. “But I just want to feel you, Juni. Just once,” he rasped. “Please.”

At this point, nodding between kisses was the only thing I could do. Yes, I wanted to feel him. Feel all of him. A hardness pressed between my legs, but I wanted to feel more. It wasn’t enough to soothe the ache, the pulse.

“Please,” I repeated, the only word in my brain at the moment.

I felt Julian smirk beneath my mouth again. God, I absolutely hated how much I loved his mouth. How much I loved kissing him. His hand rode higher beneath my skirt while letting me slowly slide back to the ground. But even once my feet landed on the floor, it still felt like I was floating. Our kisses grew lighter, less frenzied. Instead, we exchanged rough gasps and continual brushes of lips against lips like we wouldn’t survive if we separated completely.

“Juniper.” He spoke my name between us, sounding gravelly, desperate. “I’m going to touch you. I need to touch you.”

I tugged on his hair in response, a signal to hurry the fuck up.

Julian’s light chuckle grazed my lips while his fingers inched upward. They traced the top of my underwear slowly, and I wanted to know what the hell he was waiting for.

“Payback, remember?” he breathed.

“Touch me,” I pleaded, and my request had Julian folding in an instant.

“Christ,” he groaned, slipping his hand beneath the fabric of my underwear. “Open up for me, Juni.”

Knowing what he wanted, I widened my stance, thinking about nothing except how badly I hungered for what he was about to give me.

“Good girl,” he murmured appreciatively before sliding his fingers between my legs and swearing under his breath. The rest of Julian’s reaction was lost on me, though. I was too distracted by the brush of his fingertips over my clit and his breath over my skin.

I whimpered his name and felt his lips twitch in response.

“So wet,” he whispered, sounding awed. “You’re so wet. Was it like this before?”

“Before?” I repeated breathlessly while he stroked deeper and deeper before coming back to play with my clit more.

“At the hotel. Did you drench your underwear for me then, too?”

“Yes,” I admitted, tired of taming the truth or reworking it in my head. “Why do you think I said all those things to try to get you into bed?”

“I thought maybe you were trying to kill me. You always are.” He cupped my cheek with his free hand, angling my head to the side so he could swoop in for another soul-satisfying kiss while continuing the magic he was doing between my legs. My knees nearly buckled, and I groaned into his mouth.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he said tenderly after pulling back again. “I’m sorry I didn’t give you what you needed this weekend, but I’ll do it now.”

I didn’t get a chance to respond before Julian curled his fingers inside me. A wordless cry flew from my lips as bliss fired through every inch of me.

“Oh, Fuck. Juni.”

I couldn’t agree more with Julian’s rough curse. Fuck. Fucking hell. But unlike him, I couldn’t talk. Julian’s voice growled in my ear as he pumped his fingers faster, making me see stars.

“Your sweet pussy is gripping my fingers so fucking good. I can only imagine…shit.”

“Julian,” I gasped as I comprehended his words. “You should know that I’m—oh my God.”

My words descended into a moan as he hit a spot inside me that had to be forbidden with how good it felt. My eyes rolled back, my legs weakened, my fingers grabbed onto his shirtsleeves with desperation, nails digging into his muscular upper arms. And then his thumb grazed over my clit, and my body tightened in response.

Somewhere in my consciousness, I realized Julian was pressing little kisses all along my jawline until he made it back to my ear, nipping my earlobe as he murmured bits of sweet, dirty encouragement while finger-fucking me against our office door.

“That’s it,” he muttered gruffly. “Come on, love.”

“I—oh—Julian.” My attempts at words were reduced to pants. I squirmed against his hand, against his entire body. So close, I was so close to finding—

“Come for me,” he commanded, voice filling with an authority that made my pussy weep even more than it already was. “Stop being so goddamn stubborn, and come all over my fucking fingers, Juniper.”

I wanted to. I wanted to more than anything I’d ever wanted. It felt like I was running along a cliff’s edge, and I needed freedom. I needed to fall, and I needed to fall into him.

Julian covered my mouth with his again. This kiss was drenched in need and hunger, incomprehensible and wild. But when his tongue flicked against mine at the same moment he pinched my clit, I screamed into his mouth, pouring cries down his throat.

My world exploded with rapid bursts of hot pleasure that only Julian could cool. His kisses grew tender and soft as he slowly brought me back to reality, soothing the intensity into something more bearable but equally exquisite.

Julian drew his fingers out of me gradually, like he was savoring the last tremors of my body. Wet arousal coated my inner thighs, and my face flushed as I realized exactly what had just happened. But while slight embarrassment trickled up my spine, Julian had a satisfied smirk plastered on his face. He kept one hand on my hip to steady me while bringing his other hand to his lips, slipping his fingers into his mouth to taste me. He sucked on one finger after another, groaning before swearing abruptly under his breath.

With an eagerness that took my breath away, he grabbed me by the waist and spun us around, pressing me against his desk again. And then I was on top of it with my skirt bunched up around my hips.

“It’s not enough,” Julian gasped, his wild eyes trailing over me. “That taste, that amazing fucking taste—it’s not enough.”

He pushed his desk chair out of the way, and it rocketed across the small office on its wheels.

Then Julian dropped to his knees.

All I could do was watch his head with all its tousled auburn hair dip between my legs. He kissed the inside of my knee before looking up at me.

“I couldn’t sleep last night,” he said, his breaths coming in short spurts. “Ask me why.”

“Why?”

Another kiss was pressed against my skin. His eyes flicked up to mine, piercing me. “I couldn’t stop imagining going down on you.”

All of the satisfaction, all the melting perfection of the last few minutes, vanished. And the hunger returned. His words bounced inside my brain, fueling it.

“Let me,” Julian groaned, his tongue swirling up my inner thighs like he wanted to give me a preview of what it would feel like. “Let me taste more of you.”

I was torn. I wanted that. Really, I did. But I also wanted to have my turn.

“Me first,” I gasped, trying to ignore how goddamn good it felt to have his lips and tongue on my skin.

When Julian didn’t listen, continuing his ascent, I kicked my foot out, placing it on his chest to stop him.

That worked. He paused, glancing at my high heel keeping him in place. Then he sat back on his knees with a burning look that made me question my decision to stop him. I ran my gaze over him, appreciating every little bit of Julian Briggs in a way I usually didn’t get to. I watched as he ran his hand through his hair and licked his lips. I watched as anticipation shone in his eyes. And then my eyes lowered further, and I took in his impressive erection. Shit.

“Me first,” I repeated, slower this time, so he couldn’t miss it.

I wanted to taste him, too.

But to my dismay, Julian shook his head.

“You can’t touch me.” His words were whispered and tortured.

“Why not?”

That hardly seemed fair.

“If you touch me…I won’t survive, Juni.” He swallowed before slowly standing. “I’ll never get over it.”

“Why do you have to?”

Julian’s expression morphed at my question, and a heavy dose of reality washed over me. The magic vanished, and something cruel and heart-wrenching took its place.

“Juniper…”

God, I usually loved when he said my full name, but I hated this.

Julian took three steps backward, leaning against the office door. He stared at the ceiling for a few moments, catching his breath. Eventually, he lowered his gaze.

“We can’t.”

He said it so quietly that I almost didn’t hear it.

“We can’t what?”

I knew the answer, but I wanted him to say it, to spell it out.

“Do this.” He waved a finger back and forth. “Let it happen again. You’re Gemma’s best friend. We share an office, for fuck’s sake. We’re… It’s not a good idea.”

“So…why—why did you kiss me?” I asked, my voice sounding hollow. I pressed my fingers to my lips, feeling the ghost of his.

“It was the way you were talking about yourself,” he replied in a low voice. “As if it was out of the realm of possibility for me to want you, when in reality…”

He didn’t finish his sentence, and it tore me up inside. If the reality was that he wanted me, why was he pushing me away?

“But we’re just not a good idea, Juni,” he finished weakly.

He was right about that. None of this had been a good idea. But it seemed a little too late, didn’t it?

“Maybe taking me to Sofia’s wedding wasn’t a good idea, either,” I said testily, awkwardly yanking my skirt down, fully covering my legs again. “While I appreciated it, maybe you shouldn’t have bothered.”

“I didn’t want anyone else taking you,” he said evenly. “I told you.” When I glared at him with barely concealed irritation, he added, “If it hadn’t been for Gemma and work, I probably would have told Noah to fuck off myself.”

His admission made me suck in with surprise. He—what?

Julian’s heated look remained steady. It was something close to a dare—daring me to deny the truth of his words. I didn’t want to, though. I desperately wanted them to be real.

“I don’t know how to go back,” I said, admitting the very thing I’d been trying to figure out since yesterday when he dropped me off at my apartment. It was the reason I’d prepared my little speech, which he’d naturally interrupted. Julian liked to ruin things for me in the best and worst ways. I didn’t know how to go back, but I’d been ready to try.

But now? We couldn’t go back now.

“We can’t go back,” I said more forcefully.

“We have to,” Julian insisted, and I scowled. He noted my expression and grew exasperated. “Yes, we kissed, but—”

“Twice,” I interjected.

Not to mention everything else he’d just done to me.

My cheeks flamed, and I hoped to hell Julian didn’t notice.

“Twice,” he acknowledged. “We kissed twice. Impulsively. Unplanned. And now we can plan to not do it again.”

“That’s what you want?” I probed, trying to ignore how much it hurt to hear those words.

Julian just stared at me, jaw clenching.

“There’s a difference between impulsivity and living in the moment, Julian.”

He exhaled loudly, but his eyes didn’t move from mine. “Explain it to me.”

I slid off the desk and back to my feet, even though my legs felt like jelly. I wanted to be on the same ground as Julian. “Sometimes it feels good to prolong moments where you can really live before being crashed back into a reality where you just exist.”

Julian held my gaze for the longest time. It was the worst sort of anticipation, nothing like this weekend when I knew we were moments from kissing.

Now I knew we were moments from breaking.

“It wasn’t impulsive,” I added in a breathy whisper.

“What?”

“When I kissed you at the wedding? That wasn’t impulsive. It’s not like I never thought about you…like that before,” I confessed, opening myself up to even more pain and embarrassment. “But I guess it wasn’t the same for you.”

Julian shook his head sadly, and I didn’t know how to interpret it. “Kissing you feels like living, Juniper.”

I nodded, hating how I’d felt so high and now I felt so low. “But tomorrow, we’re just going to exist, aren’t we?”

He paused, and a wave of nausea hit me at his silence.

“Tomorrow, we’re just going to exist,” he said.

To his credit, the words were pained and sharp. Which explained why they cut so deep.

Unable to handle it any longer, I looked away. Silence filled the office, replacing the gasps and groans from minutes earlier. When Julian spoke again, his voice scraped against my heart.

“The flower,” he said throatily. When I glanced at him, he pointed over my shoulder. I followed his finger to my row of plants on his desk. “It finally bloomed.”

I closed my eyes momentarily, feeling like we were on a Ferris wheel that was slowly losing control.

“It’s a moonflower, Julian,” I said, repeating the same thing I’d said numerous times before.

He took a step closer, his body cradling mine. His words whispered across my hair. “Tell me what that means, Daisy.”

Tipping my head back, I traced his face with my eyes, loving and hating every inch of it. Julian’s attention dropped to my mouth, but he didn’t move. He waited for my answer, which came in the form of a confession.

“It only comes alive at night.”