SWNOVELS Acts of Atonement: Chapter 26
WE’RE BACK IN the Lone Star State and I find myself missing California every second of every day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy my father is home and on his way to a full recovery; I just really miss the home I shared with William and our ability to be out in the open, without caring who saw us.
I stuff those feelings deep down and remind myself that this too shall pass. This is temporary.
We have an appointment with Dr. Ansley later this week and I’m hoping Dad will be fully discharged from his care, aka we won’t have to tiptoe around him anymore.
“Morning,” my father greets me as he enters the kitchen. “It smells so good in here.”
“It’s our weekend tradition. I make the boys pancakes and this week it happens to be blueberry, your favorite.” I wink at Dad, wondering if he remembers.
“Of course. Thank you for making them. I never told you how much I appreciate your help around the house and with the boys. After your mother—” Getting a distant look in his eyes, Dad stops mid-sentence.
“You’re welcome,” I cut in, unsure if he had anything more to say.
Shaking his head as if to clear it from a fog, Dad continues where he left off. “After your mother died, I relied pretty heavily on you. That wasn’t fair and I want to apologize. You deserved to be a kid if just for a couple of years more. I took that away from you.”
That familiar burning behind my eyes begins to form, and for once I let it. “Thank you for telling me that, but I stopped being a child the day Lucia died.”
Dad’s bitter chuckle bounces off the marble surface, echoing through the room. “So you aren’t calling her mother anymore?”
“She betrayed our family. I’d say she lost that right the day she decided to step out on your vows.”
“Her vows to me and her role to you as your mother were two very different things, Bella.” Losing the menacing glint, my father’s eyes go soft as he reaches for my shoulder and squeezes. “Just because she was a shitty wife doesn’t mean she was a shitty mother. She loved you and the boys very much. You were her world.”
I scoff at his declaration on my mother’s behalf. “If she loved us, she wouldn’t have done something that ended up destroying her family.”
“What are you talking about, Bella? How was her affair the catalyst to our destruction?”
Fuck. I’ve said too much.
“I’m just saying that infidelity breaks up a marriage, and the marriage is what holds a family together,” I quickly say, hoping he’s buying what I’m selling.
“No, Isabella. Love is what holds a family together and you have given that to us in spades. You are what’s held our family together.”
I turn away, unable to look my father in the eye. If he only knew. All these years of trying to be the perfect everything, when in reality I was just a fraud. An empty shell of a girl trying to find atonement for the sins of others instead of living my life and fighting for my dreams.
“I’m not going to college,” I blurt out, unable to hold it in any longer.
“What did you say?” My father narrows his eyes and stares at me as if I’ve just told him I’m joining the circus.
“Going to college was never my dream. That was yours and Mom’s. I want to write. I’ve already written a couple of books and I think I’m going to start shopping them around.” I place the stack of fluffy pancakes on the table and try to act as if I hadn’t just dropped a big bomb. Way to keep the conversation light.
“After all the money I’ve spent on private schooling, you’re just going to drop out of college before you even start?” The look of bewilderment on my father’s face transforms into anger. “No. You are going to college. What you do after that is up to you, but I’ve worked my ass off to give you this opportunity. I sent you to the best preparatory schools and made sure you always excelled in all of your classes so that when the day came, you would go to college. So you’re going to fucking college.”
“Between the car accident with Lucia and the work incident with you, I’ve learned that life is too damn short and I refuse to spend it doing something I don’t love. I’m tired of just surviving, I want to thrive, and going to college for some stupid degree I’ll never use isn’t going to help me do that.” I whip around the marble island and head for the pantry in search of the maple syrup. “And don’t act like you contributed to my grades. While you were off on assignments, I was the one busting my ass to get good grades, I was the one who pushed myself to do better, always trying to compensate for the loss of a woman who wasn’t even worth it.”
My father’s hand extends, slapping me across the face and making my head swivel to the side. “Don’t speak of your mother like that. She may have been a cunt of a wife, but she was still your mother.”
I hold my hand to my cheek, the sting of his slap still prickling on my skin. “You slapped me.”
“I’m your father. I can discipline you as I see fit.”
I stand there frozen in shock, unable to form words though I have plenty to say.
“Now, I hope our conversation has cleared up any confusion as to whether or not you’re going to college. But in case it hasn’t, let me spell it out for you. If you decide to veer from the path I’ve set for you, then you will be cut off financially. If you choose to pursue this ridiculous dream of yours, then you will do so on your own. I will not be a part of throwing your future down the drain.” And with those words, my father walks out of the room, leaving me there in stunned silence.
I’m at the water park with the boys, still reeling from my conversation with our father earlier this morning. The whole scene keeps replaying in my mind, and I can’t seem to shake the feeling that something just wasn’t right. Besides the fact that I’m an adult and he can’t tell me what to do, there’s the fact that the man hit me. He fucking hit me. Something he hasn’t done in the entirety of my eighteen years.
I make a mental note to ask Dr. Ansley about any behavioral changes the accident might have caused. I get that he was trying to be a concerned father, but he has never treated me like that before, always acting like more of a big brother than an actual father figure.
My phone vibrates and I see that it’s William. Hoping this call will help change my mood, I slide the button to answer.
“Hey, hot stuff. Hope your Sunday is going better than mine.”
“What happened? Whose ass do I have to kick?” William’s concerned voice settles my nerves and soothes my aching heart.
“Oh it’s nothing. Just a little father-daughter quarrel. No biggie. What’s going on with you this morning?” I say lightly, hoping he’ll drop the subject.
“What happened with Aiden? Is something going on with his recovery?”
Nope. He’s not going to drop it.
Letting out a slow breath, I fess up, “I told him I didn’t want to go to college and he freaked out on me. Said he was going to cut me off financially if I decided to pursue my dream of being an author, but not before smacking me across the face for bad-mouthing my adulterous mother.”
“He fucking slapped you?” William seethes, his rage so palpable I can practically feel it coming through the phone.
“Yeah. I think something’s up with him. He’s never been one to physically discipline his children. Much less now that I’m an adult. I really need to talk to his doctor about that later this week. But for now, I’m just going to steer clear of him.”
William lets out an audible sigh. “Baby, I don’t like the fact that he put his hands on you. I’m tempted to go pluck you from his house and bring you here. If Aiden shows any other signs of aggression, I want you to take the boys and move in with me right away. I mean it, Bella.”
“Thanks for the offer but that wouldn’t go over well with the Wicked Witch of the West. Speaking of which, how are things going with Heather?” I ask, eager for some good news.
“Really good. We’ve gained access to her emails and are hoping to find something real soon. In the meantime, I think you should send your book out to agents and see if you get a bite. I bet you dinner and a blow job that you get an offer before the summer is over.”
My dirty dirty man.
I smile to myself, shaking my head at his boyish behavior. “That sounds like a win-win to me, Mr. Hawthorne. I’ll take the bet and reap its reward either way. But I’ll have you know, in full disclosure and fairness, I’ve already submitted my books to a couple of literary agents as well as entered a contest for a publishing house. Hopefully one of those will take.”
“So productive, my little moon.” William’s pride in me never ceases to amaze me. This man has always been my biggest supporter, even when I didn’t know it, he was there, cheering me on and being my rock. “See. There’s no way we aren’t going to win this bet.”
“William, you do know that normally there’s only one winner when it comes to betting, right?”
“Well, you and me? We’re anything but normal,” William quips.
Letting that sink in, I know he’s right. We lost the notion of normality a long time ago. Between the huge age difference and William’s friendship with my uncle and father, our relationship is anything but normal.
A self-assured smile grabs ahold of my lips as I say, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”