A Winter Dream

Lila stared out of the window next to the rickety table in their eat-in kitchen. The snow was falling again, and she hoped it wouldn’t get too deep. Shivering, she pulled her hoodie over her head and tightened the drawstring to try and trap the warmth inside.

She was sitting in one of the mismatched chairs around the table and absent mindedly eating half a package of cheap chicken flavored ramen. It was the kind that costs fifty cents at the convenience store and thirty-nine cents at the grocery store.

She’d taken the other half to her mom’s room and set it on the bedside table next to where she’d been sleeping. It would probably be cold when she woke up but at least it was something to keep her stomach from eating itself at the lack of food.

Lila’s community college was out on winter break which made her anxious. The whole reason they even had several packs of ramen sitting in the pantry was because she was willing to crawl on the floor to reach underneath and behind the vending machines in the student life center to rescue dropped and abandoned coins. There were twenty-one packs and twenty-three days left of winter break. Even if she and her mom each only ate half a pack a day, they would still have to go two days without food before she could get back into the college facility to scrounge for more coins.

She could hit up the Walmart in town. It was only a half mile walk and they’d just put new vending machines out in the covered entryway across from the shopping carts. People didn’t drop and abandon as much change there as they did at the college, but she might be able to find enough to head inside and buy one or two packs of noodles.

Usually, her mom earned enough to pay the utility bills, so they at least had water and electricity, but since she lost her job, they’d had to choose between water and electricity. Her mom said they’d die faster without water than without heat, so she’d chosen to pay only the water bill. They filled up two one gallon jugs a day and each of them got one. That was their ration for the day. Making sure the water stayed on as long as possible was more important than a shower. Lila had grown used to sponge baths with cold water and cleaning her hair and skin with a cheap dish soap they could use for bathing and washing their few dishes.

Lila’s scrounging during the school year could sometimes feed them for the whole year, but she hadn’t been able to find enough money this fall to last the winter break.

The only reason she was even in community college was that she’d gotten scholarships for the tuition and her grandmother had paid for her books before passing away and leaving her house to Lila’s mom. The house was two miles from the community college and Lila walked there and back on the days she had classes.

They had a bigger problem looming since in the new year their property taxes on the house would be due. They weren’t very high compared to some places, and their property was far from valuable, but the total amount seemed a fortune to her.

She might as well quit school now so she could try to earn enough to get the electricity turned back on and contribute to the taxes. Maybe the tax office would take part of the balance in January and the rest of the balance in a few months without taking their house. Lila didn’t know how these things worked, but she couldn’t just sit around and wait to be homeless. She doubted her mother would be able to return to work.

Lila suspected her mom was dying but they had no way to get her medical treatment. The nearest hospital was so far away it wasn’t walkable, and they had neither vehicle nor enough money to take a bus all the way there. Even thinking this way threatened to crush her. She’d lost her grandmother already and if her mom went too, there would be no one left in this world who loved her or whom she could love. She shook her head as if to dislodge the thought from her brain so it couldn’t take hold.

After tipping the rest of the broth into her mouth, she went to the sink and splashed a bit of water from her jug into the bowl to rinse the inside along with her spoon.Placing them on the drying rack, her gaze turned back to the outdoors. She stood at the sink and continued to watch the snow fall through the window above it.

There was a nagging at the back of her brain, but it was foggy and unreachable. She felt like something important had happened but couldn’t remember what it was, and it left her feeling irritable.

She walked down the short hallway, her footsteps causing the boards of the floor to creek every few steps. Peering into her mother’s room, she found her still in bed. Lila went to her and placed two fingers on the inside of the wrist that was peeking out from under the blanket. Dana’s heart was still beating, but it wasn’t steady like her own heartbeat. It fluttered out of rhythm every now and then like it had a stutter.

Lila sighed and decided to get dressed in something warmer after having a quick sponge bath. She was going out to find a job. Surely someone needed help for the holiday season. At the very least she needed to get her mom in to see a doctor.

It was so very cold out, but she was determined to make it to the library, which was three miles away. There she could at least be in the heat for a while and use the computers and internet to search for a job. She wished she could take mom with her, but she wouldn’t be strong enough to make the journey and Lila definitely couldn’t carry her.

After she was ready to go, she shook her mom gently. Dana opened her eyes after a few seconds and tried to smile up at her daughter.

“There’s some ramen on the bedside table for you. I’m going to the library for a little while. I’ll try to be back before dark,” Lila told her.

Dana slowly sat up in bed and asked softly, “Oh? Do you have homework during winter break?”

“No, I’m going to use the internet to find a job for the holidays,” Lila explained.

It was only a half truth. She intended to find a job she could keep even after the holidays, but her explanation was less likely to upset her mom when she was too weak to get upset.

Dana usually protested when Lila mentioned going to work, but even she had to admit they were in dire straits.

“Alright, sweetie. As long as it’s just for the holidays. I want you to finish school strong in the spring. There will be plenty of time for a job after you graduate,” her mom said for the hundredth time.

“Eat your ramen and get some rest. I’m sorry I had to wake you, but I wanted to make sure you knew where I was going to be,” Lila explained apologetically.

“Thank you, sweetheart. Be careful,” Dana replied drowsily as she moved to lie back down.

Lila pulled on her grandma’s old gardening boots at the door then wrapped a thick old scarf around her neck. She pulled the hoodie back over her head and zipped up the heavy coat. She didn’t have gloves, but she could just walk with her hands in her pockets.

She stepped out onto the wooden porch and locked the door behind her then lifted the coat briefly to slide the key into the pocket of her jeans. She jumped off the porch into the snow at the bottom. She was relieved that it wasn’t as deep as she’d thought. It was about four inches which wasn’t too deep to make it to the library. Hopefully, it didn’t get any deeper before she had to make the trek back home.