A Walk Amongst Shadows (Book 2)

XXII

I felt like I was living in a dream over the course of the following weeks. Freely being able to use my magic to its fullest extent to heal my patients. Free of fear of repercussion. It was everything I had wanted back in Wren’s Glen and more. Every day when I left, the apothecary was free of patients. As word of my magical abilities spread, we had been seeing an increase in patients. Many patients with minor injuries, easily treatable at home, came in just to experience magic. I caught numerous individuals feigning illness in hopes I would give them a taste of life magic. It had gotten to the point where Evangeline would assign these patients to other healers at the apothecary.

“If they’re really sick, then they won’t mind,” she explained to us all one morning before rounds.

This rule had certainly helped weed out the fakers so I would be free to work with the patients that truly needed it.

But the open use of my magic was not without its downsides. I was becoming increasingly exhausted at the end of each workday. Granted, my life magic regenerated quickly, but dealing with this new level fatigue was new for me. Unsurprisingly, Aris wasn’t happy about it.

“You’re working yourself too hard,” he said one night in bed after a particularly long and harrowing day. I had stayed far later than usual to tend to remaining patients. “They’re keeping you at the apothecary longer and longer each day, if you’re not careful they’ll have you moving into the place by next week.”

I had brushed off his concerns. I was fine. After all, mortal humans got fatigued like this all of the time. Just because I was experiencing this on a different level doesn’t make it any different.

“You’re just saying all this because you miss having me around,” I teased.

“Why can’t it be both?” he asked with a wink.

My dreams were also becoming more vivid as I used more of my magic. Some nights I would dream I was in fantastical places. Creatures I had never seen before, sights and smells that were brand new. Some nights it was so strong I would wake up and still feel the wind on my face, or a sweet taste on my tongue. Unfortunately, the nightmares were just as bad, if not worse. I had lost track of the number of times I had smelled the burning of my own flesh as I stood tied to a pyre. There were mornings where I’d wake with burning sensations on my feet. I found my heart racing anytime I got near an open flame during my waking hours.

“I don’t get it,” I vented to Aris in the early hours of the morning after waking violently from another such nightmare. I was covered in sweat and struggling to breathe. “They were getting further and further apart. Why now?”

“It’s the nature of your magic,” Aris explained. “Just as in life, you experience both pleasure and pain, so too will you experience with your magic.”

I sighed, exhausted but not surprised. I cursed under my breath as I threw my head back onto my pillow. “Must they always have to be the same though?”

“When I used to dream, my nightmares always reflected elements of what I was most afraid of at the time.”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Well as a child, it was my father. But once we moved to the village, they were always about being discovered. I have no doubt that if I had survived that night my nightmares would very much resemble your own.”

“What do you think they’d be like now if you could still dream?” I asked propping myself up on my right elbow to face him.

“I have a few ideas…” he trailed off, “but honestly, I doubt I’d sleep much at all. It is a mercy that shadow walkers cannot dream,” he concluded.

I had made the decision to listen to Aris and take the following day off. There had been no patients when I left the evening before and there were plenty of skilled healers that would be able to handle whatever walked through the doors. If someone dies today, it will be your fault. I pushed the thought out of my mind. I couldn’t let myself take responsibility for the lives and wellbeing of every soul in the city. I slept in that morning and woke up to an empty house. I decided to spend some time working on the modest garden I had started. While I had no need for herbs, I had found myself missing the practice. It was nothing like the garden my family had outside our home back in the village. We alone had been able to grow enough herbs to stock the apothecary for the entire village. I had taken to planting flowers that didn’t necessarily serve any purpose other than to look nice. I was tending to the violets when I heard something move behind me.

“They don’t deserve you, you know.” The lilting voice grabbed my attention and I stood and spun around to find myself face to face with Eloise. Her hair looked a little longer than the last time we had met, but she was otherwise unchanged. Despite the hostility in her tone, she bore an expression of sadness on her pretty, round face.

“Eloise,” I greeted, “who are you talking about?”

“Those ingrates in the city,” she spat. “You waste your time and your magic on them.” She crossed her arms across her chest, eyes boring into me.

“Why do you care?” I asked, keeping my tone genuine. Eloise was the last person I would think to care about how I spend my time.

“What have they done to warrant such treatment? The same degenerates that openly scoff at you when you show your face in our company. They condemn you as a whore and you bow down in servitude before them!” she accused.

“Eloise, I’m a healer. I always have been. My job isn’t to concern myself with the morality of my patients.”

She was fuming. “Sounds like the ramblings of powerless swine. You have the gift of discernment, yet you give the gift of life freely to all. As if they are all equal.”

“Are they not?”

She laughed incredulously. “Gods no!” she shook her head, lost for words. “You really mean to tell me that the murders, rapists, and thieves are equal to you and me?”

I rolled my eyes.

“You’d still treat them wouldn’t you. What about the ones in your wretched village?”

“That’s enough,” I calmly interrupted. The last thing I wanted was to start a fight.

“Did you ever think about what your patients go on to do after you heal them? Does it no bother you that-”

“I am not responsible for the choices my patients make,” I asserted, keeping my tone even.

“Is that what you tell yourself?”

“What do you want from me Eloise?” I asked, throwing my hands up.

“To stop wasting your time on those that don’t deserve it.”

“Is that what you do?” I asked, trying to deflect attention from myself.

“That’s precisely what I do,” she sneered. “Those worthy of my time, get it.”

“And those who aren’t?”

“Don’t,” she answered with a wicked grin.

“So, what would you have me do?” I asked, glad to see she was relaxing a bit. “Interview my patients before treating them?”

“I’d have you never set foot in that wretched place again. Let them seek you out, or better yet, don’t help mortals at all.”

“Why such hatred for mortals?” I asked.

“Not hatred,” she began, “even the best ones don’t live long enough to accomplish anything of substance.”

“So, insignificant?” I guessed.

“Sure, we’ll go with that,” she agreed.

I opened my mouth to speak again but was interrupted.

“Listen Rose, those people in that city do not care about you, not in the slightest. You have something they desperately desire. They will bleed you dry if you continue this heinous act of servitude. Do as you wish, but you’ve been warned.” She held a finger in front of me like a mother scolding her child and then vanished into thin air. I sighed and felt myself relax. Was she trying to warn me? Why? It all seemed so out of character for her.

I decided to go find Aris after I had finished with the garden. I could sense he wasn’t too far away. Obviously, he was open to me joining him or else he would not have made it so easy for me. I found him in the clearing where I had first gone to practice my magic. He was sitting on crossed legs with his back against a tree. He appeared to be in a sort of meditative state. I didn’t say anything as I approached.

“Care to join?” he asked, moving only his lips.

I smiled. “Sorry to interrupt, whatever it is you’re doing.”

He opened his eyes and smiled at me, patting the ground beside him with his hand. I sat down and leaned against the tree.

“What are you doing?” I asked looking up at the canopy of leaves above us.

“Remembering…”

I searched his expression. “I think I will join you,” I said as I locked my arm around his and leaned my head on his shoulder. “What are we remembering?”

“Just before you arrived, I was remembering the swing that used to hang just there,” he gestured to a large arching tree branch a few yards ahead of us, “My father built it for us… he wasn’t all bad you know,” he added, “we used to love that thing,” he smiled.

“You and Nadia?” I asked.

He nodded. “She used to wear me out, making me push her. But once she got the hang of it, she didn’t need me.”

“Did you swing on it yourself?”

“Of course,” he chuckled, “reigning champ of Nadia’s “highest swinger” contests.”

I laughed.

“Have I ever told you how I first discovered my magic?” he asked.

I perked up. “No.” How had we never talked about this before?

“One day when Nadia was swinging, she fell.” He pointed over to the ground below the tree branch, “just there. It was a bad fall and she had broken her arm.” He seemed to drift off, “gods, I can still hear her screaming.” He closed his eyes in a wince. “I ran to her side and tried to comfort her. I was going to try and set her arm, at least find a way to stabilize it so I could get her home. It was almost as though I could feel her pain. I wanted so desperately to help her, to make it go away. The moment I laid hands on her arm; I felt this tremendous warmth. It scared me so bad I thought she was burning up or something. But then I realized in that moment, her crying had abated. So I touched her arm again. This time I didn’t let go. I watched her arm mend right before my eyes.”

I smiled as I remembered the first time I had ever used magic to heal.

“I don’t know if it was the shock or the sudden influx of magic, but the next thing I remember was my father shaking me awake under that very same tree.”

“So you fainted too then, glad to hear I wasn’t the only one.”

He nodded. “Father wasn’t pleased to say the least.”

“What did he do?” I asked, anticipating his answer before he spoke.

“He held me up against the tree by my neck and told me if I ever defiled his daughter like that again he’d have me out on the street.”

“Aris I-”

He brushed me off. “He didn’t hurt me. It was Nadia. She saw the whole thing happen and blamed herself. She had gone home to tell my parents what had happened and that I needed help. Mother said she explained everything to them and when my father heard about me healing her arm, he stormed out of the house. Nadia followed and my mom chased after her. The whole thing became quite the family affair.” He sighed. “She came to me sobbing that night. Begging me to forgive her.”

“Poor thing.” My heart felt heavy hearing Aris recount this memory.

“I did everything I could to reassure her that everything was fine…” He trailed off. I laced my finger with his. “Magic became our little secret after that.” I saw a trace of a smile play across his face. “I kept my word to my father and never used it on her again. But I used it for other things. Usually here, actually.” He furrowed his brow. “You know, I think this is the first time I’ve ever told anyone about that.”

“Really?” Our eyes met and he nodded. “You got to witness my first-time using magic,” I reflected.

“I did, didn’t I.” He replied, then added with a chuckle, “fun night.”

“Yeah, for you!” I jested and nudged him in the ribs. “I thought I was losing my mind. Hearing voices in my head telling me to heal a patient and then blacking out for a night.”

He laughed and put his arm around my shoulders. “And now look at you!”

We both had a laugh. He stood up and pulled me to my feet and we began to walk.

“So, Eloise stopped by.” I explained.

“What did she want?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Me. Apparently, she isn’t happy that I am using magic to heal people in the city. She told me I was wasting my time. That I should only be serving those who are worthy, or something like that.”

“Sounds about right.” He spoke matter-of-factly.

“Yeah?”

“I’m afraid a lot of shadow walkers would probably agree with her too.”

“Seriously? I mean I know you’ve explained to me that mortals aren’t exactly viewed as equals for most shadow walkers. But this feels more like viewing them as enemies.”

He laughed. “I think a lot of us see mortals as the enemy. The ones who ostracize and demonize us immediately. I mean you’ve seen it for yourself now.”

“She thinks I’m helping the enemy then,” I stated.

He nodded.

“Do you?”

“I think you have the heart of a healer. You don’t see anything but a person who is hurting and you help. Eloise might say it’s a waste, and she might be right. But I think it’s a much greater reflection on you.”

I smiled. “What would you do in my situation?”

“You mean as a shadow walker? Or a mage?”

I clarified, “I mean you as you are right now.”

“I wouldn’t spare a thought for them,” he answered without skipping a beat. I furrowed my brow. “Not to say I’ve never helped a mortal before. But I tend to prefer to save my talents for the ones closest to me.”

“A little self-serving, don’t you think?” I asked.

“Oh very much so,” he agreed. “But if I don’t do it, then no one else will. Certainly not any of those mortals.”

I thought for a moment. I had always thought to be self-serving was a bad thing. Aris seemed to wear it as a badge of honor. But the logic behind his words were sound.

“Think about all the people you’ve healed in the city. How many of them do you think would help you in a moment of crisis?”

“I’m sure a few of them would…”

“I don’t doubt it. But there are just as many that wouldn’t give you the time of day.”

“So, you think I should only heal those who I think would help me?”

He shook his head. “Of course not. You’re free to use your talents as you please. I’m more concerned about the ones who will take advantage.”

“How so?”

“Mortals have done terrible things to mages in the past to serve themselves. Take Eloise for example.”

“What happened to her?” I asked.

“She was sold into slavery by her parents when she was young. Her owners” he spat the word, “would loan her out to the highest bidder night after night.”

I felt my stomach turn.

“All because of how good her magic made them feel.” He looked solemn.

“Why didn’t she fight back?” I asked.

“How do you think she got away?” He replied. “One night she had enough and snapped. She killed the men who had purchased her for the evening.”

Men? There were more than one…

“Unfortunately, they managed to take her down with them.”

I felt my jaw drop. I was speechless.

“Like I said Rose, I admire your spirit and your kind heart, but I’ve seen what mortals can do. I cannot sit back and watch while the same happens to you.”

I felt tears welling up in my eyes for Eloise. I couldn’t even begin to imagine the sort of life she had led. No wonder she ran into the arms of the dark one.

“I feel terrible…” I trailed off.

“Believe it or not, it’s not all bad.” His tone was encouraging. “After father brought her back, she returned to the people she had been sold to. Massacred every one of them. Set all of slaves free. Until this day, she’s made a sport of it to hunt down and kill those like the ones who hurt her. She’s become quite a force for good if you ask me. Ridding the world of scourge like that.”

I smiled. That sounded like the Eloise I knew.

“She has been called the patron saint of whores over the last few centuries,” he chuckled, “tongue-in-cheek of course, but I think it’s a fitting title.”

I smiled. I found myself in a state of admiration. Eloise had come from such a place of powerlessness. To go from that to now wearing her former title as a badge of honor and defending those like her was almost poetic.

“She helps those who deserve it,” I concluded.

“Exactly.”

I sat quietly for a moment as I gathered my thoughts.

Aris regarded me calmly.

“Do you think mortals are just as monstrous as they say shadow walkers are?” I was careful in my wording.

“I think mortals and shadow walkers alike tend to forget that we all share the same human nature. As much as my brothers and sister might like to deny that and pretend that they have ascended to some higher plane of existence, we aren’t really that different…” he paused for a moment, “don’t tell any of them I said this.”

I nodded and he continued.

“I think father saw the nature of man and decided to magnify it to ensure that there would always be some level of chaos in his likeness on earth. I mean who better than man right? While quite capable of wonderful and kind acts, he is also just as capable of wickedness. I’d argue we are worse than animals in that regard.”

“How do you figure?” I asked.

“At least when an animal acts violently we can safely assume it’s intentions. Self- defense or perhaps hunting for a meal. There is honesty there. But humans are far less predictable, rarely are their motives so simple.”

“So shadow walkers are just humans amplified?” I concluded.

“More or less,” he shot me a sideways glance, “again, don’t tell the others, I can’t imagine they’d be very flattered.”

I smiled. “So, you really think that your father was intentional in his selection of humans to be his presence on earth?”

“I do. He’s never told me as much. But it makes sense. Wouldn’t you agree?”

I nodded. Then chuckled to myself.

“What are you laughing at?” he asked.

“I just find it a bit ironic. You say that shadow walkers would be insulted to be compared to humans, I think most humans would feel the same way.”

He grinned. “I suppose we’re both content to point the finger at the other.”

I couldn’t help but feel a little off center for the rest of the evening. I had been able to come to terms with the idea that shadow walkers regarded mortal life as having less value than their own. I didn’t necessarily revel in the idea of being looked down on as a sort of animal, but I had trusted Aris when he told me he did not view me in such a way. But thinking of shadow walkers as no different from myself felt wrong. Surely there was no way I would be capable of the same things as shadow walkers. Aren’t you though? I asked myself. Mage or mortal, I suppose I am just as capable, if not more so, of the same monstrosities that they were. You nearly killed your entire village. A voice rang out in my head. But I didn’t! I argued with myself. I could have, but I chose not to and that’s the difference. Did you have a choice? Or were you just too naive with your magic to even know that you had a choice. I was driving myself crazy. I remembered the way I had been strapped down, the way the Elders had spoken to me. If I had been given a choice to kill them in that moment, I don’t know that I wouldn’t have done exactly that. That’s self-defense then. I reasoned. They meant to kill me, there’s nothing wrong with wanting killing in the name of self-defense. I remembered the look of fear in their eyes when I drained their life from them. That helpless look that had been there as I stood over them. Not only were they terrified, they believed they were about to die. And you enjoyed it. The thought resounded through my mind and body and I knew it was true. Perhaps I really am no different from a shadow walker.