A True Soul

While there are things in this life that are worth living for, dying is by far easier. You don’t have to think about it, you can just let go. The thing is dying isn’t better, it’s never better. There are pains and horrors in this world, but if we would just take the time to look we could see all the joys and wonders that make our lives worth the pain and heartaches.

That’s what made pull myself through the agony and back to the land of the living. I forced my body to keep breathing. I knew that to continue living, even in a world of complete uncertainty, would always be worth it.

Blair was sitting on the edge of my bed. I braced myself on my arms as I pulled my body upright with some difficulty.

“Morning, sunshine.” Blair smiled at me. She seemed to glow, a warm bright ambiance radiated through room.

My head pounded. I figured it was a side effects of the medicines or poisons wearing off. I was never sure if it was one or the other. “What happens now?” I stared at her.

“What’d you mean Angie?”

Even though I had just woken from being under so long, I could remember everything. “I killed Naeem. I ended his life. His life wasn’t worth less than mine. And I killed him on the palace grounds. ”

“Every life has meaning, that’s true. But he would have killed you if you had not defended yourself, and because it was self-defense I, as queen, will not allow you to be prosecuted for the death of Naeem.”

“Mubaka couldn’t have hurt me though. She can’t physically hurt me. Well, she tried but she ended up hurting herself when she punch me. Her son, Naeem, was like your brother.”

Blair’s eyes were sad and swollen as she looked at me. “I will miss Naeem, but what Chloe did is unforgiveable. What they both did is unforgiveable and Naeem paid for his actions with his life.”

“I don’t know if I can forgive myself for killing someone.”

She placed her hand on my shoulder. “It’ll take time but you’ll learn to live with what happened. You have my deepest sympathies.”

I bit my bottom lip. I know she was talking about the everything that had happened with Cain and Mubaka, but the idea of learning to live with killing someone left a bitter taste in my mouth. That was going to be a struggle.

I looked around the room. “Is Dax okay?”

“I forced him to go to his room, he’s practically been living in here for the past week.”

“I was out for a whole week?” This didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. “Dax

stayed with me?”

“There was a few times that you came to, but you weren’t coherent. Dax wouldn’t leave you, he said he didn’t want to be anywhere else.”

I smiled when I heard Blair say that, then I remember the little girl, Lori, had watched her mom die by Dax’s hand. “The girl, Lori, is she ok?”

“Lori has been placed under Faux’s guardianship. She is still having a hard time coping with what has been going on, but overall she is adjusting as well as could be expected.” Blair reached out unexpectedly and embraced me in a tight hug. “You have no idea how

glad I am that you’re going to be ok. You’re so strong Angie. You could have died. You’re all the family I have left I don’t want to lose you.” She had broken out of her character as Queen and allowed herself to show me how she was really feeling. I could see the pain that was clearly displaced on her face. “I felt everything you went through. I’m so thankful you were able to hold on. It was torture and agonizing.”

I wrapped my arms around my cousin and squeezed her back. “I didn’t want to die, Blair. It’s not my time yet, I have too many unanswered questions to leave this world now.”

“You’re dad wants you to come home. He’s going crazy worrying about you.”

“Can I call him?”

She smiled. “You certainly don’t need my permission to call your father.”

The door swung open and slammed into the back of the wall. “Angie’s awake and you didn’t tell me!” Dax yelled, he ran towards me bed and put his hands my face, his fingers tangled in my hair. “I was so scared I was going to lose you.”

I placed on hands on top of Dax’s. “I’m still here.” I looked over to where Blair had been just a second ago, and released she was gone, but my attention was quickly pulled back to Dax. “Dax we need to talk.”

His face seemed to tightened and his eyebrows got closer together. “What’s wrong, girly?”

“There’s so many things that I should say.” I traced the scar on Dax’s face. He flinched, but didn’t pull away. “When I thought I was dying it was you that I wanted there the most. And there you were. I was so relieved that I got to see your face one last time before everything was over. “You jumped head first into a situation that could have killed you, just to save me, and I cannot express my gratitude enough. There is nothing I can do to ever repair you for saving my life, but you don’t know the truth.”

“The truth? Angie what the hell are you talking about?”

I paused for a moment as I tried to figure out how to explain to him what Mubaka had done. “I am an experiment. Mubaka used drugs on my mother to make me a True Soul. Who knows if I would have even been born if she hadn’t pump my mom full of poison. To make things worse, I’m the not the only person she did this to. She poisoned Faux and other girls like her, along will Mr. Rivera. That’s why he’s so sick. Mubaka’s also the reason Blair’s father died because she poisoned him too. I have no idea how many people she had killed.”

He stared at me blankly. Slowly I saw this information sink in. “Why would she do that? What was she trying to accomplish? I shouldn’t have let her get away.”

“It’s not your fault she got away, don’t blame yourself. Mubaka’s goal was to create a True Soul army that she could control for her own use, only she failed. I am the only experiment that lived.”

“Don’t call yourself that, girly. You’re so much more than whatever Mubaka did. You’re not an experiment. I refuse to believe that, girly, and you should to.” Dax placed his forehead against mine. “You can’t let what she did define who you are.”

“Dax, how can I not?” I brushed away a tear that had fallen.

“Don’t you dare think you’re any less, girly. You hear me?” He pulled me closer to him, and his lips were on mine. His breath was hot against me and his touch was comforting.

I pulled away and leaned against his chest. How could he believe in me when I didn’t believe in myself? At that moment I felt drained and broken.

Dax’s chin rested against my head. He rocked my body back and forth slowly, trying to comfort me. “Cain is gone. I’ll find Mubaka. I’ll make sure that you never have to live in fear again. I won’t let anyone hurt you again.” I could hear the anger and desperation in his voice.

“Dax, pain in a part of life. You can protect me from everything.”

“I’ll do everything in my power to always protect you. I’m your guardian.”

I sighed. Of course he would. Dax would always put his life on the line for me, I had to find a way to protect him too. I wouldn’t let him die for me.

“There’s something I should tell you as well.” Dax pulled back a ways and looked me in the eyes. It never stopped amazing how dark they were. It was like he could stare right through my soul.

“Of course there is.” I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath.

“The night you had the car crash you needed blood. You’d lost so much. It was my blood that they gave you, girly. For a past five years, since I went to New York to watch over you, I started donating my blood to make sure you’d have it just in case.” He gently squeezed my hand. “I should have been watching over you from the start, but I had a momentary lapse in judgment.

My breath quickened as the wheels in my brain turned on overdrive. It made sense now. “It was your blood that saved me, that changed me.”

He ran his hand through his thick dark brown hair, “Yeah, it was.”

It was with Dax’s blood that had made me change before I was supposed to, his blood was the reason I healed quicker before I’d even made my first change. There was something in his blood. Dax’s blood had some type of positive mutations that had healed me. “Dax, your blood saved me.”

He nodded. “We just went over that, Angie.”

“Don’t you get it? Your blood saved me! Mubaka poisoned my mother, but she also poisoned a bunch of other people. And I lived through the poison, but your blood changed me. It helped me.” Dax just gave me a blank stare, he hadn’t been flowing me. “It’s a long shot, and maybe I’m wrong, but if you blood healed me than maybe it can

heal Mr. Rivera.”

I saw his eyes glowed. He hugged me tightly and gave me a quick unexpected kiss. “You’re truly amazing girly. You know?” He got off the bed quickly.

“Wait, where you are going?”

“I have to go talk to Freddie and Blair. If you’re right maybe I can save Bill.”

I smiled. “Go save your dad, but can I borrow your cell phone?”

My father answered on the first ring.

“Dax? How is she?” His voice had sounded urgent, and filled with worry.

“Dad, it’s me, Angie.”

“Angie! Are you okay? When are you going to come home?” He sounded frantic.

“Dad, breath. I feeling ok, a little sore I guess, but I’ll live. I’m not sure when I’m coming yet.”

“They said that there wasn’t anything I could do for you there. I’ve called Freddie three times a day every single day since they told me what Cain did to you. You have to come home.”

“Okay, dad, I’ll come home.” I paused. I knew I’d have to come home to see him, but I knew I wasn’t going to stay. Not now. Instead I changed the subject, “Dax might be able to save Mr. Rivera.”

“That’s great news! Bill’s a good man. How did Dax find out how to save him?”

“There’s something in his blood that can save Bill, like he saved me.”

“Thank god we won’t lose Bill too. Do you know how much you mean to me Angie?”

“Yeah, I do dad, I do. I miss you.”

“I miss you too, more than anything.”

Within a day arrangements to fly back to New York were made. Despite the opposition of the majority of Blair’s advisors, she would be accompanying me back home. Amelia would be personally flying us and taking us right to the small airport that was located in Mexico, New York. It was the closet airport to New Haven. Dax, Faux and Lori would also be going with us. Lori was going to move into Faux’s apartment with her. Blair thought that would be best because Lori had no known family left.

As I packed my bags for the trip home, Jack came to my room. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him since I’d been fully awake, but we had not had the chance to actually have a conversation.

“Good morning, Angie.” His smile had been warm and welcoming. Jack had become part of my family, and I was glad he was here with me now.

“Jack!” I returned his smile and gave him a quick hug.

“I see you’re getting ready to go. I thought I’d stop by and give you some good news.” Jack sat on one of the couches.

“Oh? I’m all for good news.” I paused in my packing.

“Your theory about Dax’s blood may just save Mr. Rivera’s life. Freddie got Candice’s permission this morning to try giving Bill Dax’s blood.”

I frowned. A thought crossed my mind that hadn’t before, “That’s still experiment though.”

“While yes, that’s true, you have to consider the alternatives. They have nothing else to lose. The Rivera’s have been through so much. The poison has been killing him slowly through so many years, giving him some of Dax’s blood was a chance they were willing to take. And the credit should be given to you, he’s off life support now. Freddie’s hopeful Bill will wake soon.”

“It’s Dax, he’s the one who saved him, just like he saved me,” I said.

Jack wore a proud look on his face. “Give yourself some credit Angela. You’re going to do so much good in this world.”

“I truly hope so. I have to figure out how to make a difference.”

“Oh, you’ve made more of a difference than you realized,” Jack said.

“Thank you for believing in me.”

“So, How long will you be staying in New Haven?” He inquired.

“How’d…. How’d you know I wasn’t going to stay in New York? I haven’t told anyone yet, I just assumed everyone thought I was staying home.”

“I have an idea of how confused you’re feeling now. You need answers and you don’t believe you’ll find them in New York. Am I correct?”

“You’re a mind reader Jack.” At that point it wouldn’t have surprised me if he did indeed say he was truly a mind reader

“If you decided to come back here, I’ll be there to help guide you in any way I can, if you choose to except my offer.”

I thought about it for a moment. “I’d like that.”

“Awe, now you’re just left with one harsh dilemma.”

I paused with my packing, and stared at Jack. “What would that be?”

“Telling Dax.”

I couldn’t agree more. I thought, but I kept it to myself.

It had been raining when Amelia landed with the plane at the palace. We had to wait for a few hours before we took off again. That was the first time I’d see Blair wear anything other than her silk robes and dresses. She had her hair pulled back in a ponytail, and was wearing tan shorts and a very nice white shirt with an open back. Rhett would be accompany us as her personal body guard on this trip. He stood next her with his arms crossed, looking uncomfortable.

I saw Lori clutching Faux. She looked so small and scared. Her hair was no longer braided but left hanging lose. Lori hid behind Faux and wouldn’t look at Dax. I couldn’t blame her, and I could see the pained look on Dax’s face whenever he saw Lori. He felt terrible about Shawnda being killed in front of Lori, but he hadn’t regretted killing her.

When we finally took off I did my best to sleep most of the plane ride home, and when I wasn’t sleeping I was trying to figure out how to tell Faux and Dax that I wasn’t staying. I was sure Blair could sense that there was something on my mind, but she didn’t push me.

As soon as I stepped into the airport lobby my father wrapped me in the tightest hug I’d ever remember him giving me. I spent the next day and a half with him constantly by my side. Dax made himself distant so I could have some time with my father. I knew he needed time with me, and I hadn’t known how to tell him that I wasn’t going to stay.

Julian talked about me going back to high school, and about how things were going at Green Acres. He told me how much he missed me. Every time I heard that I felt myself tear deeper and deeper inside.

A couple days after I got home, my father and I sat together in the rose garden. He trimmed back some of the old leaves. The roses weren’t all in bloom yet, but all of the plants had buds on them. Soon there would be a wonderful array of colors display in this magically place that my mother had created.

It was time. I sighed. “Dad…” I didn’t sound as strong as I had hoped.

He didn’t pause from his trimming, “What is it Ang?”

I sucked in air. “I’m not staying.”

This time he did turn back from the roses. “What do you mean?” The vacant expression in his eyes killed me.

I pulled leg underneath me on the bench. My dark red hair hung in front of my face, shielding my eyes. “I’m not staying Dad. I know you probably won’t understand, but I can’t stay. You have no idea how much I missed you while I was at the palace, but I’m going back. I still have so many unanswered questions. I need to figure out where I belong in this world.”

Julian’s face darkened and his brow creased, “You belong here. This is where you belong, this is your home.” It was like the roles had reversed themselves from months ago. Instead of trying to convince my father to go with me, I had to explain to him why I had to go on this journey alone.

“Of course this will always be my home, but I am a part of two worlds and I have to find a balance between these worlds. I don’t really know who I am yet, and I won’t find that person here.”

“You’re sixteen! You have plenty of time to figure out who you are. You don’t need to leave to figure that out,” he protested.

I knew telling him wasn’t going to be easy. I pressed my lips together. How was I going to convince him? “This is the home mom built to keep me safe and hidden away. My home kept me safe for a long time, but I have to find my place in this world. I promise I’m not doing this to hurt you. I don’t even know who I am. I’m not just a sixteen year old girl, I’m not just a junior in high school, and I’m not just a True Soul. I have to figure out how all these pieces of me fit together and right now I have no idea.”

“Angie, I can’t lose you. You’re just 16. Can’t you finish high school before going on this soul searching journey of yours?” He sat with a thump next to me. He ran his hands against his face and threw his greying hair.

“Cain might be dead, but Mubaka’s still out there. I’m sure she’s not the only one that’s going to be after me. I can’t finish high school here, it’s not safe for anyone.”

“You’re my daughter. How do you expect me to let you go?”

“I won’t be gone forever. I need time to find answers to the questions that I still have. I’ll probably always have questions, but I need to do this on my own.”

“Your birthday is in a few days, what about your birthday?” He had pleaded. Julian grasped at anything he thought would get me to stay, but the longer I prolong my leaving the harder it would be for him, and the harder to would be to force myself to do the right thing.

I just shook my head, I couldn’t make my voice work at that point.

“When?”

I coughed a little, trying to recover my ability to speak, “After I tell Dax tonight. I’ll be going back to the palace with Blair tomorrow.”

He wrapped one arm around me in a half way hug. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t dad. That’s a promise I will keep, you won’t ever lose me.”

I walked into the woods on my own after the conversation with my father. I saw the animals staring at me, but they looked at me differently now than they once had. Instead of terrifying me with their stares, I saw something different in their expressions. There was respect, not just hatred in their eyes. I wasn’t the fearful girl anymore who was terrified of a squirrel.

I heard a fluttering of wings close by and I had to smile to myself. “Angel!” I called out. I could sense that it was her. “Angel? Are you there?” I lifted my arm and a large Raven perched herself on me.

She tilted her head at me. “You’re eyes bare a strong story. You’ve been on a long road, Ember’s daughter.”

“That’s one way to describe it.” I laughed a little. “But it’s not over yet. I still have a long ways to go.”

“Of course you do. And I wish you well. You’ve learned so much about yourself already, don’t forget that.”

“I won’t.” I held myself as straight as I could.

“Until next time, Ember’s daughter,” with a quick nod she flew off, leaving me to myself.

That night I laid in my bed until well after midnight. I knew Dax was in the spare bedroom that he had been staying in when I’d first found out I was a True Soul. I told Julian that I’d be leaving in the morning after I told Dax, but I’d avoided him that night. I’d acted cowardly and was too scare of hurting him to face him, and truthfully I knew telling Dax goodbye would shatter me. I threw the blankets off of me and sat upright. I had to tell him now or not at all. And, he deserved more than that. I pulled open my door and walked down the stairs, through the kitchen and living room until I finally reached the door to Dax’s temporary room.

I leaned my head against the door and placed my hand on the handle. I could hear snoring, I smiled sadly to myself. Slowly I turned the knob and opened the door. I didn’t expect him to wake up. I thought maybe I’d just write a note and leave it for him, but as soon as I closed the door the snoring stopped.

He slowly propped himself up and rubbed his eyes. “Angie? What are you doing? What time is it?”

I just stood there like an idiot. I couldn’t figure out what to say. The words were lost.

“Angie what’s wrong? It’s the middle of the night.” He sounded annoyed.

I turned around, I couldn’t figure out how to do this. “Nothing’s wrong, Dax. I have to

go. Just go back to sleep.”

“What? Wait. Angie get over here.” He threw his legs over the bed and hit his hand against the bed. I took that as an indication to sit. “Now what the hell is going on, it’s 12:45 in the morning, girly. Where are you going?”

There was no going back. He was awake and I was there sitting next to him on the bed.

My heart was beating hard against the inside of my chest, my pulse was racing. I felt sweat trickle down my spine in the cool room. Not only had I been about to shatter his heart, but mine as well.

I saw how tense his jaw was set and how annoyed he looked. It was a classic Dax face, a scowl that rarely left. But his expression soften as he looked at me.

I rub the palms of my hands against the comforter on the bed before I forced myself to face him directly. “I’m leaving. In the morning I’m going to go back to the palace, I probably won’t stay there but I can’t stay here.”

“Well, ok fine. I’ll pack my bags in the morning and we can leave. Why didn’t you just say something earlier instead of avoiding me all day? I don’t care if we don’t stay in New York.”

“I was avoiding you because…” I chocked on my words. I looked into his dark eyes, they carried an endless void. It was so easy for me to lose myself there.

“Because?” The edge to his voice brought me back to reality.

“I’m going back with Blair, but I’m not staying with her. I have to continue my training with Jack, and somehow find myself along the way.”

He shook his head, “You don’t know what you’re talking about girly.” I could tell he was angry. “You don’t have to find yourself, you know who you are.”

“But I don’t know who I am Dax! Everyone tells me what or who I am, but I need to find the answers myself.”

“So let me go with you, someone needs to be there to protect you.”

“You’re wrong Dax. I don’t want protecting anymore. No one else needs to get hurt because they are ‘protecting’ me. It’s time I look after myself.”

“Let’s just go to back to bed and talk about this in the morning,” Dax grunted.

His refusal to listen to what I had said was aggravating. My hurt was turning into anger. I didn’t want to tell Dax good bye like this, but maybe it had been inevitable. “Accept it or don’t Dax. I won’t be here in the morning.” I got off the bed and moved for the door.

“Angie you can’t leave.” This was a plea, not a demand. The tone of his voice changed, there was a longing, anxious, quality to his words.

“And why not Dax?” I turned and glared.

“Because I love you.” He was looking directly in my eyes, his gaze burned and caused my skin to tingle.

My glare disappeared and I snuck back on the bed. “I know.” It’s all I could reply. I couldn’t let myself repeat those words. If I did I would never be able to leave. “But I have to do this, Dax. I don’t know how to make you understand.”

He opened his arms and I slid into them. I leaned against his warm chest. “Please don’t leave Angie.”

I wiped away tears from my eyes that I didn’t want Dax to see. “I know you love me, but you should be with someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved. Right now I don’t even know how to love myself.” I couldn’t force myself to look at him anymore. “I want to be with you, but it’s not fair to either of us when I feel lost. I don’t expect you to wait for me that would be asking far too much.”

“There’s no one else I’d rather wait for, girly.” Dax sounded distant. “It’s selfish of me not to want you to leave, but I can’t stop you. If this is really what you need to do, than you should go.” He kissed the top of my head.

“Thank you.”

I reached for him and kissed his neck. “I release you from being my guardian, I am no longer your charge.” He looked baffled. Slowly I pulled away and slipped off the bed.

“Is this really good bye, girly?”

My heart had shattered into a million pieces. I was about to leave the person my heart longed for the most, knowing it was the only way to find myself. I smiled at him through the heartache, I saw my pain reflected perfectly back at me in his dark eyes. I shook my head. “It’s not goodbye Dax. I’ll see you again, someday.”

Closing the door behind me was like closing off a part of my heart I didn’t know had existed.

The air outside was chilly. Silent tears blurred my vision. I dropped on all fours and ran. My thick fur made the cold air easier to endure. The thudding of my paws against the soft moist ground was relaxing. I noticed a pair of much larger feline paws running the length of the woods. So Blair was relishing a night in the woods? At least Blair was taking time to enjoy herself.

No one would notice my canine prints in the soil. I pushed myself harder, trying to connect with my animal side. This part of my being calmed me, yet was still so unfamiliar. Running in this form, I knew in my soul this was the creature I truly connected with. This was my true form.