A Thousand Heartbeats

Why did having Lennox behind me make me feel so powerful? I could tell I was standing straighter, walking stronger. I almost wanted someone to cross me today just to find out what would happen. I peeked over my shoulder, swooning a little over how good that boy looked in a uniform.

I was also possibly a little too giddy that I was walking around in broad daylight with him by my side. It was something so unimaginable that I’d never even dreamed about it. But here it was. Real. Happening. To me.

I rounded the corner to my brother’s room and found him upright again, which was encouraging, with even more color in his face. Soon, he’d be his old self.

“And what do you have here?” he asked when he saw me, noting the basket in my hand.

I held it up proudly. “Needlework. I thought you might be bored to tears with nothing to do in bed, so I brought this along.”

I held out a loop with fabric already drawn tight across it, as well as a handful of his favorite colors of thread.

“Noemi. Would you do me the kindness of threading a needle for me?” he asked. “This hand’s not quite up to the task yet.”

“Of course, Your Highness.” She reached across the bed, and our eyes met. She seemed happier today, calmer. I wondered if it was from days of being so publicly beside the person she loved, because I could feel it doing wonders for me.

“We have much to talk about,” Escalus said, watching Noemi’s hands work.

“Indeed,” I replied.

“First off, have you . . .”

I looked to Escalus and followed his eyes up to Lennox, who was still standing right behind me.

“Would you please give us some privacy, Officer?” Escalus asked.

“I was given direct instructions from Officer Palmer to stay beside Her Highness,” Lennox replied confidently.

“Don’t worry,” Escalus said with a smile. “Weak as I am, I’d protect her faster than you would.”

Lennox looked at my brother—really looked at him—and nodded. “Then I see we have the same goals.” He dipped his head into a bow and backed up several steps, standing against the nearby wall.

“I like that one,” Escalus whispered. “Doesn’t bother much with formalities.”

“I think he’s new,” I said. “What was your first question?” I finished threading my own needle and went to work.

“Have you heard anything about Father this morning?”

I shook my head. “No, but I intend to go to him next. I came straight to check on you after I woke up.”

“That explains your hair,” Escalus teased.

I reached up and touched it. “What’s wrong with my hair? I brushed it!”

Noemi giggled. “Leave her be. You look lovely, Your Highness. Your poor brother knows nothing about ladies’ hair.”

“Nonsense,” he protested. “I rather like yours today.”

She smiled at that, looking away. “Here.”

Escalus picked up the loop and went to work . . . very slowly.

“Have you picked a date for your wedding?” he asked suddenly.

I swallowed. I didn’t like talking about wedding details with Lennox so close.

“Not exactly. I’m not even . . .” I shook my head. “The only thing we were waiting for was you and Father. I wasn’t sure if things would go well, and we’d celebrate, or if they might not, and things would be delayed. Everyone involved knows that it could shift at any time.”

Escalus nodded. “Then can I ask you for a favor?”

I scoffed. “You’re heir aapparent, Escalus. I’m more in a position to ask a favor of you.”

“All the same. Can I ask?”

I set my needlework down. “Ask away.”

“Would you scrap that plan completely so I could get married first?”

I squinted at him for a moment, taking it in.

“I told you I wanted to get married as soon as I had the strength to stand, and I meant it.”

Because I was so attuned to him, I was very aware of the small gasp that escaped Lennox’s mouth.

“It sounds to me like you’re trying to do this before Father wakes up so he can’t undo it.”

Escalus stared at me. Then he turned to Noemi. “She’s too smart.”

“Always has been,” she commented.

“I don’t know,” he replied. “There was that time she nearly hacked my arm off.”

“It was a scratch!” I protested. “And an accident!”

He laughed a little, which brought on a cough, and Noemi and I tensed up instantly. I watched as he clutched his upper chest. He took a few breaths, looking down.

“I’m fine,” he insisted.

But the way sweat beaded along his temple told me he wasn’t as well as he insisted. Stronger than yesterday perhaps, but nowhere close to well.

“Here’s the thing, Annika. If I wait and something happens to Father, the lords will sweep in and do to me what they did to you. Noemi and I will be forced apart . . .” He swallowed. “I always admired how willing you were to sacrifice so much for Kadier. Genuinely, I’m in awe. But maybe I’m too selfish, because I won’t. I won’t marry some stranger for Kadier, or for Father, or even for you.”

All I could think was, For all we know, neither of us will have to marry for the sake of Kadier. Kadier might not even be here in a few weeks . . . a few days, perhaps.

But there was still a part of me that hoped.

“I understand completely.” I set my sewing down. “Noemi, you’ve been my sister in my heart half my life. You might as well be on paper, too.” I smiled at her, hoping she knew I meant it.

Noemi and Escalus exchanged a happy glance, looking away again quickly.

“But, Escalus, who says you have to stand? Who says you need a grand reception? Give me until tomorrow, and I will see you’re wed.”

They stared at me. “How . . . ?”

“All we need is a willing priest, and even if I have to bring one in from Cadaad, I’ll do it. So, rest today, because tomorrow you’re getting married.”

Escalus was still a little too pale for my liking, so the tears in his eyes looked more sorrowful than sweet. But he reached over to touch my hand, putting all of his strength into his grip.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“I’ll leave you. I have much to arrange.” A wedding to plan, another to delay, a country to lead . . . it was more than a day’s worth of work.

“Understood,” Escalus said.

I rose, handing my hoop to Noemi. “I didn’t even get started, and I’m sure you could use something to pass the time as well.”

“Thank you.”

I curtsied to my brother and turned on my heel. I didn’t need to look back to know Lennox was right behind me. I knew his footsteps, recognized his breaths. He followed as I made my way down the hall, stopping in front of a door with two guards on either side. They bowed to me, and one reached and turned the handle.

I walked inside my father’s room, and my footsteps echoed. The mood in here was different, somber.

I looked behind me, but Lennox’s eyes were on my father. He swallowed, horrified by what he saw. I couldn’t blame him.

I nodded to the doctors and walked across the room, perching myself on the edge of Father’s bed. Everyone was kind enough to give me a wide berth as I bent over to speak quietly into his ear. “I don’t know if you can hear me,” I whispered, “but I think I might be running out of time to forgive you. I wanted you to know that I don’t hold anything against you. I understand now what love can do to you. And I understand what grief can do. Because grief is simply love with no one to receive it.

“You see that boy behind me? I love him. I love him so much I’d do dangerous things for him. And if I lose him . . . the things I would do might be far more dangerous still.

“So I’m not upset that you pulled us in too tight. I’m not upset that you tried to direct every step of my life. I know that, in your own way, you were trying to protect what you had left. You have my forgiveness for everything that has happened between us.”

I took a breath, knowing what was coming.

“And I trust I will have your forgiveness for whatever I do next.”