A Thousand Heartbeats

Officer Mamun was reliable but obnoxious to have over my shoulder. He didn’t know how to stand still, so he frequently sniffled or scuffed his feet on the ground. I reminded myself that, while he was not the most dignified member of the guard, he had been specifically chosen by Palmer for some reason or another. As such, I had to believe he had skills others did not.

Though I hardly needed a guard—as if any intruder would have a chance at getting past Nickolas.

While I sat at the table, reviewing documents, my fiancé circled like a vulture, his eyes darting every which way. At least his footsteps were steady, rhythmic, and therefore almost easy to ignore. But even if I’d had complete silence, it’d be a lie to say my thoughts weren’t miles away.

I had a sinking sensation in my stomach, worried that something was going wrong in worse ways than it already was. I couldn’t stop thinking of everything I’d seen in that book.

The rock.

The symbol.

The surname.

It all added up. And the fact that someone felt compelled to hide this history made it that much more convincing. I felt so painfully torn, both my duty and my desire at war in my chest. How would it feel to hand over the kingdom? How would it feel to hand over that book to Lennox?

I wanted to see his face when he found out.

Scratch that.

I wanted to see his face.

I wanted to stare into those staggeringly blue eyes. I wanted to feel his lips by my ear. I wanted to get my fingers trapped in the hair along the back of his head. I wanted all of him. So badly it almost ached.

“What are you smiling about?”

“What?” I looked up to find Nickolas’s inquisitive eyes on me.

“You’re smiling.”

“Oh. Um.” I said, looking away to cover my burning cheeks. “I was . . . thinking about my mother,” I lied, praying that she wouldn’t mind me using her as an excuse. “You might find this silly, but I sometimes talk to one of her portraits. There’s a large one in the far wing. Even in her absence, she’s been like a guide to me.”

He smiled back, endeared by my words. “How could I call that silly? It doesn’t surprise me at all that you’d want to speak to her, in any form.” He looked to the floor, crossing his arms. “Shall I have the portrait brought to the hallway here? Just temporarily, if you’d prefer. It might make everyone feel more at ease to have a sense of her presence here.”

I tilted my head. “Nickolas, that’s so thoughtful. Yes. Would you, please?”

He walked over, a grin still on his face, and kissed my forehead. “Haven’t I been begging you for tasks? I’ll take care of it as soon as I can.” He came to my ear and lowered his voice. “I’d like to wait for Palmer to come back, though. This boy’s fidgeting does not inspire confidence.”

For once we seemed to have the same thought.

But it didn’t matter what I thought of Mamun. Because the second the door flew open, he proved his worth. He sprang into action, sword unsheathed, blade balanced on the man’s throat before I could blink.

But that man was only a doctor who fell backward instantly, covering his head and shouting. “Wait! Wait! I have news for Her Royal Highness!”

I jumped from my seat. “Oh, Doctor! I’m so sorry.” I rushed over and offered him my hand.

“Your Highness,” he said breathlessly, looking up at me. “Your brother is awake.”

I ran past him, holding my skirts up to move faster. I could hear Nickolas over one shoulder and Mamun over the other. We dashed down the hallways, turning toward my brother’s room and finding his door wide open.

I had to blink back sudden tears to see, but Escalus was there, propped up on pillows, looking pale and weak but very much awake.

“Ah!” I yelled, coming into the room and collapsing on my knees by his bed, reaching up to hold one of his hands. I cried for several minutes, and everyone had the good sense not to stop me.

When I could finally breathe again, I sat there, gazing up at my precious brother. He smiled down at me. “I’m still here.”

He’d heard me. Through all my dreams and prayers and worries, he heard my question, and he answered.

“I was so afraid,” I confessed. “I wasn’t ready for you to leave me.”

His weak grin grew the tiniest bit more playful. “It’d take more than that.”

Leave it to Escalus to make jokes at a time like this.

“Have they told you about Father?” I asked quietly.

He nodded. “Which is why I need to have a talk with you. Please clear the room.”

“Of course.”

The doctors standing by certainly heard, as did Nickolas and Noemi, but no one took a step toward the door.

“His Royal Highness asked you to clear the room,” I said, looking at one of the head doctors to lead the way.

Ever the quick thinker, Noemi sprang into action. “Come, gentlemen. If you just wait in the hallway, I’ll fetch you all some tea.”

She held out her arms, guiding them patiently from the room, and I turned my attention back to Escalus.

“Are you in pain? Is there anything I can do?”

That tired smile was still on his face as he shook his head and squeezed my hand. I didn’t realize I was still holding it.

“Annika. The doctors told me about Father’s condition. I think we need to brace ourselves. I’m hoping he’ll hold on to enough of his stubbornness to pull through, but we might be orphans very soon.”

That word. Orphan. I supposed it was a title we only assigned to children, but even if you were forty or fifty or older still, did it ever not hurt to be without your parents?

He let out a heavy breath.

“We have so little time with the people we love; we shouldn’t waste it. That brings me to the heart of what I need to tell you.”

I turned to face him better, wanting him to know he had my full attention.

“I’m marrying Noemi,” he said plainly. As the words escaped his lips, a smile crept onto them—a real one—and he looked so peaceful and satisfied to finally say the words aloud. “I don’t care if Father doesn’t approve, or the lords, or even you. I’ve only ever loved her, and I won’t spend my life with anyone else by my side. I don’t care if the entire kingdom falls down around us. I’m marrying Noemi as soon as I have the strength to stand.”

There was something beautifully defiant in his eyes. And I found myself envious of him again. What did it feel like to no longer care?

I still cared.

I cared about the monarchy dissolving into nothing. I worried that our kingdom was about to be upended, and we’d have nowhere to go. I worried that we might all die in the process. And I worried the only way I’d ever see Lennox again might be at the tip of his sword.

Escalus had set himself free of all this, and, in the process, had tossed all the chains at me. I couldn’t deny they were heavy, but I also couldn’t deny I’d happily carry them for his sake.

I pulled my hand from his, fidgeting with my fingers. “You fell in love with a commoner. I’ve read enough books to know that this is the stuff of fairy tales.”

“You’re not upset?”

I smirked. “She asked the same question.”

“Wait . . . Noemi asked you the same question?”

I nodded. “Yes. I caught you two in the far corridor just before we all left for the Island. I’ve been doing my best to keep her by your side.” I smiled up at him. “So, no, I’m not mad at you, and I don’t hate you. I’m sad, maybe. Disappointed that you didn’t tell me.”

He tilted his head. “And what? You have no secrets from me?”

“One,” I stated honestly, though my tone was playful. “And it happens to be the same as yours: I, too, love someone I can’t have.”

“First, I don’t love someone I can’t have,” he countered, still quick-witted despite being bedridden and weak. “I will be with Noemi. By whatever means, I will marry her. Second, I hope you don’t really think you’re in love with Rhett,” he said. “He doesn’t love you, either. He’s . . . infatuated—and a bit too much, if you ask me—because you’re the only girl he’s ever spoken to. And you’re also very charming. But he doesn’t know himself well enough to love, so don’t be taken in by that.”

I sighed. I supposed it wasn’t a shock that he could see how Rhett felt about me. Escalus was much more observant than I was. Besides, there was no way I could tell him I was actually in love with Lennox . . . so maybe I couldn’t blame him too much for keeping his own secrets.

“Very well.” I stood, keeping my eyes downcast so he might not read them. “Now that you’re awake, shall I have them reinstate the regency powers to you?”

“No,” he said. “I’m far too tired, and the doctors said you’ve been handling things well.”

I looked up. “They did?”

Escalus nodded. “Bravo, Annika. I knew you had it in you.”

I smiled to myself, pleased to have been praised. I stood. “Hopefully Father will be up and better soon, and we can put this all behind us.” I curtsied. “By the way, have Noemi do some errands now so that people don’t get suspicious too soon. She hasn’t left your side since we got back.”

He smiled. “I will. Thank you for commanding her to stay.”

I shrugged. “It was the least I could do. And thank you.”

“For what?” he asked, looking up with sleepy confusion in his eyes.

“For still being here.”

He nodded, and in that simple motion I could see exhaustion taking over again.

“I’ll come back later. Sleep.”

I waited for him to respond, but it seemed like he was already fading into sleep. I backed away quietly, relieved beyond words that my brother would recover, even if it was slow.

In the hallway, the doctors were pacing, aching to get back to tending Escalus. I nodded to Noemi, and she sighed, understanding that all was as well as it could be.

I walked past them, feeling so many things. I was happy to have a few more moments as regent, tired from so much worry . . . and I was jealous. Escalus and Noemi were so very in love.

And I . . .

“Is everything all right?” Nickolas asked as I approached the corner.

I whispered back, “I have no idea.”

And then, without warning, he gently wrapped his arms around me.

It was a shock, to be sure. Nickolas had always been order, protocol, straight lines. My rank dictated everything, and while he might have pushed against the line I’d drawn between us more frequently than I cared for, he’d never completely crossed it.

Except for now.

And it was the nicest possible way to do it, so I said nothing and let him hold me.