A Thousand Heartbeats

I walked into my brother’s room to find a doctor checking his pulse. Noemi’s hands held her needlework, but they were not moving, perfectly still as she watched the doctor’s every movement.

He leaned over and pulled at Escalus’s eyelid, looking for what, I couldn’t say. He placed his hand to Escalus’s forehead for a moment, straightened himself, and walked over to me.

“Your Majesty,” he greeted me.

“Highness,” I corrected him. Why were so many people calling me that? It almost felt as if they’d been instructed, and if I had the slightest inkling of where it was coming from, I’d put a stop to it at the source instantly.

“Oh. Yes, of course. Your brother is showing signs of improvement. His pulse is a bit stronger than yesterday, and, while his temperature is still high, it appears to be dropping.”

I looked over to Escalus, still pale, still motionless.

“Is . . . is there nothing more we can do?”

The doctor nodded. “I’m afraid not. I’m off to His Majesty’s room now. From the reports, it seems not much has changed in his condition, but I will send word immediately if anything is different, one way or the other.”

“Thank you.”

I wanted to be grateful, but I also wanted more. More action, more answers. How was it that I held all the power in our kingdom and yet felt so helpless?

I trudged over to Noemi, peeking over her shoulder at her needlepoint. “Is that one of his shirts?”

She nodded. “I’ve fixed two collars, and this cuff has a hole. There are a few coats that need some of the decorative work tended to, so those are next on my list. When His Royal Highness wakes up, his wardrobe will be ready for him. All he has to do now,” she said, her lip trembling ever so slightly, “is come back.”

I could feel the tension rolling off her, desperation drowning out hope. I was tired. Busy all day and sleepless most nights. That was the only reason I could think of for speaking so foolishly.

“You have to have faith, Noemi. If Escalus doesn’t come back for me, he’s certainly coming back for you.”

Her needle froze. The realization of what I’d said hit us both at the same time, and we stared at each other wide-eyed as she got to her feet.

“How . . . how long have you known?” she asked in a whisper.

I could offer nothing but the truth. “Since just before we left for the Island. It was half the reason I insisted you go; I didn’t want to make you wait.”

She nodded. “Well?”

“Well, what?”

I looked at her sweet, worried face, realizing she was about to break. “Do you hate me?”

I bridged the distance between us, clutching her hands. “My darling Noemi, why would I hate you?”

She sniffled, shrugging. “For keeping such a secret from you. I always felt guilty, not telling you. But Escalus insisted. I’m so sorry.”

I reached up, cupping her cheek. “I forgive you. I’m sad that I had to be kept in the dark, but I understand why I had to be. I would have said the wrong thing to someone, and you’d have been dismissed. And neither of us could’ve lived without you.”

I looked down, sighing. “Nickolas keeps telling me to take you from Escalus’s side, but I know how much he’d be comforted by waking to your face. The truth is, I’m a disaster without you. And not in the way you might think; not the tending to things and helping me get dressed. Rather, just the knowledge you were there if I was confused or scared. I’ve missed having someone to talk to.”

She tilted her head. “I’ve abandoned you when you needed me most. Oh, my lady. Is it so bad?”

I could feel myself getting teary now. “The work is actually very satisfying. But knowing that every mistake will bear my name is terrifying. I hate that I have no one to steer me back on the right course.”

“Not even the duke?” she ventured, though her tone gave away her own distaste in the idea.

“Noemi . . . something seems a bit off with Nickolas,” I whispered. “He’s offered to help again and again, though the manner in which he does it is so strange. But I can’t tell if it’s just my tired brain playing tricks on me. He doesn’t seem to understand the sacrifice in it. . . .”

She nodded. “Remember that he has no rights to your work or your power. And I know you’re keen to serve, but take some time for yourself. If you don’t take care of the regent, then she won’t be able to care for anyone else.”

It was such a stupidly obvious point that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it sooner.

“See, this is why I need you around. You’re so much smarter than me.”

She chuckled. “I’m glad you think so.” Her smile quickly faded. “But I need to ask you one more thing.”

“Anything.”

She reached up, touching her neck, nervous. “You said you didn’t hate me for keeping a secret. But . . . if Escalus and I can somehow be together, would you hate me . . .” She looked away, unable to get the words out. But as soon as she began the sentence, I realized where it would end.

“Would I hate you if you became queen?”

She pursed her lips together, nodding slightly.

I’d had a taste of leadership now. I liked it. But, when Father or Escalus—or hopefully both of them—came to, it all went back into their hands. What did it hurt to have another person step in line before me?

“Who could possibly hate Queen Noemi?”

Her lip trembled. “Really?”

“You have supported me through thick and thin. And I will happily do the same for you.” We stood there for a moment, hands locked, lives entwined. “But, first things first, we have to get this boy to wake up. So you take care of him, and I’ll worry about everything else.”

I kissed her cheek, turning to go. “Let me know if anything changes. I’ll be at my desk the rest of the day.”

She looked at me as if to say, Did I not just tell you to do the opposite?, but then smiled as if she realized I wouldn’t have listened to her anyway. If that wasn’t true sisterhood, then I didn’t know what was.

When I was around the corner, I allowed myself to slow. I put a hand to my heart, trying to rub away the ache. I wanted Noemi to have every happiness. I wanted her to have a life that wasn’t lost in service to mine. But it did hurt that she might get to rule in ways I never would.

There.

I wasn’t perfect.

And now that I’d allowed myself the thought, I shoved it away. I would never permit myself to think of it again. If she and Escalus were going to have a chance, then I couldn’t waver where she was concerned. If they ever got that far, the people would have their issues with a maid being elevated, so I would set the example of support. And that meant being better than I had been, better than I was now.