A Thousand Heartbeats

For the sake of my people, I showed up at dinner with a smile on my face.

While the details of my family members’ health weren’t public, it was clear that some lords and ladies had guessed the situation was serious. Serious enough that I was regent, at least. My hope was to be able to stabilize things before anyone could discover the truth of what had happened. So, as I sat in my father’s chair, surveying the people in front of me, I finally spoke aloud the one thing I knew must be done.

“Nickolas,” I began. His head turned quickly, eyes attentive, ready to meet whatever need I voiced. “I think it’s time for us to plan our wedding.”

He stared at me, confused but not displeased. “Now? With . . . with everything that’s happening?”

“That’s exactly why we should plan. In fact, I think we should make a big fuss about it. Tell everyone I’m designing my gown and that you’re having the gold for our bands brought in from Nalk. Talk about it at every opportunity. That way, when my father and brother are better, we’ll have something to celebrate. And if . . .” I choked on the word. If could leave you breathless. “Well, whatever may come, we shall carry on the line and console our people.”

He nodded. “I know none of this has happened the way you hoped. It’s not exactly how I planned it, either. But I agree. Should we set a date?”

“Let’s speak of the wedding as if it’s very close. We can pick the date within the next few days once we have a better idea of what’s happening with my family.”

He nodded. “Understood. Do you still want to live away from the palace?”

My eyes flickered to the people before me, eating and laughing, not knowing how dire things were between a collapsing royal family and a potential invasion. And those in the country had less means and fewer connections to the heart of everything happening. My relationship with Nickolas would need time to grow, but it would have to wait until they were safe.

“No. I want to be here.”

That brought a smile to his face. “Very well. I truly will have the gold brought in from Nalk. And you shouldn’t burden yourself with the wedding arrangements; pass those along to your maid.”

“She’s rather occupied at the moment, but don’t worry. I’ll delegate.”

Nickolas took a bite of food before coming back to me. “I don’t mind watching over Escalus. He’s very nearly my brother now. If anyone should be at his side in your stead, it’s me.”

I took his hand, a falsely cheerful note in my voice. “As your regent, I am commanding you to worry about this no more. I promise you that I am in good hands, and that Escalus is well tended. You will have so much work to do yourself that you’ll have no time to sit at bedsides anyway.”

He looked up at me, his eyes softening. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it. I heard a dozen different voices go “aww” as he did so. The sound solidified my resolve. I had to marry someone. If it couldn’t be the man I loved, Nickolas would do.

“If you command it, then I shall happily bend to your will.”

I wasn’t sleeping deeply enough to dream. I wished I could. I knew now that was the only way I could see Lennox. As it was, my sleep was thin and broken, and the only thoughts I had of him were memories.

I rubbed my eyes, giving up for the time being, and moving to step into slippers. I flung my robe on and marched across the palace.

Perhaps I should have felt uncomfortable in the silence or wished for more servants and guards to line every wall. Instead, I found the isolation soothing. I laced my bracelet around my wrist as I made my way to my mother’s painting and sighed as I settled down in front of her. “I’ve been named regent, Mama, and I’ve been ruling Kadier all on my own.” I spread my arms out wide. “I wish you could see. I feel like I’m finally doing something.

“Escalus has always said that marrying Nickolas was noble. And I know that’s how I’ll end up serving Kadier in the end . . .” I could feel the sob rising in my throat, but I shoved it back down. There was no time for tears, not now.

“I wish I could tell you everything,” I confessed. “But I feel like if I pull at that thread, I might unravel like a tapestry. For everyone else’s sake, I cannot fall apart.”

I stared at her for a long time, enjoying the silence, enjoying her. “Do you remember when we used to go on rides together? Do you remember the boy with the apple?”

I smiled up at her. “I bet you do. You remembered everything.”

She looked down upon me, her eyes ever conveying wisdom and patience. I knew she had her faults, too. I knew she wasn’t perfect. But she was always searching for the best of herself, and that was all she ever offered to me. And I so badly wanted to take the best of what I had and hand it over in spades.

“Don’t worry,” I told her. “What is death to you and me? Your memory is still breathing. I’m keeping it alive.”