A Thousand Heartbeats

The earth readjusted, centering itself on a brand-new axis. Annika was at the heart of my world; apparently, she always had been.

Without hesitating, she moved, settling herself between my legs and pulling the cape across the both of us.

She curled into me, pulling her hair away so I’d stay dry, and I wrapped my arms around her. It was so easy. I understood now why anyone dared to let someone else have control over their heart. She could do whatever she wanted. She could throw my heart back into that hurricane, and I would thank her for it. I was hers. I was Annika’s.

And there was nothing to be done about it.

She stayed there, keeping her head tucked just below my chin. She seemed to be listening to my heartbeats. And I realized I was absentmindedly moving my thumb up and down her arm.

“Lennox?”

“Yes?”

“I know you said you don’t use your surname anymore. But do you remember what it was?”

I smiled. In one brilliant moment I found myself positively thrilled at the idea of her contemplating my surname.

“Ossacrite.”

“Lennox Ossacrite. Do you have a middle name?” She looked up at me expectantly, hopefully. I hated to disappoint her.

“No. Do you?”

“Several. I’ll spare you.”

I chuckled, keeping my hands on her. Had I ever known such peace?

“If this . . .” She fidgeted a little, unable to look up at me. “If it’s just me, you can say so,” she posed. I supposed that “this” could have meant a dozen things, but I knew it only meant one. “I’m tougher than I look. I can take it.”

“I already know how tough you are. And I know you’re trying to offer me a path out. But I don’t need it, Annika. It’s not just you.” I held her a little closer. “It feels like . . . fate.”

“That’s what scares me. In the books, fate is rarely kind.” I felt her let out a long breath. “Tell me there’s a way. Give me hope.”

“You’re the one who gets out of chains and dungeons. Maybe you should be giving the hope out here.”

She laughed, looking up at me. “You’re really going to make me do all the work? Fine.”

And then she grabbed me by my neck and kissed me. She kissed me as if she’d done it a thousand times before, as if she knew I belonged to her and no one else. And I welcomed it. I welcomed my ruin.

I kissed her over and over, toppling over as she giggled, lacing myself in her arms. If the ground was cold, I didn’t feel it. We moved as close as we could, folding ourselves up under the cape.

“What’s this?” she asked, noticing the stitching on the inside of the collar. The emblem was circular with a flowering branch filling up the center. I didn’t recognize the shape of the leaves, so I assumed it was merely decorative.

“I wondered that myself. This cape was my father’s, and I only just received it. Maybe he dabbled in embroidery as well.”

That brought a smile to her face, and I was thrilled. I found a new game to play, a competition with myself. How many times could I make Annika smile in a minute? In an hour? Could I make a record? Could I top it?

I’d happily play that game for the rest of my life.

We lay there, holding each other for a long time, not speaking. She traced a finger across the stubble on my chin, and I played with a long piece of her hair. I was starting to warm up, and I looked over her shoulder to make sure the rain wasn’t letting up.

I wasn’t sure what would happen when it did.

“I have another question,” I told her. “Can you tell me about Dahrain? Or, Kadier. Whatever you prefer to call it. Tell me what it’s like there.”

Her smile was sad. “It’s beautiful. Around the palace, it’s mostly well-trimmed lawns with strategically planted trees to create paths. But past that, there are rolling plains, with lots of farms. In the winter, the snow comes, but I’ve never known a harsh one. It looks like the world has been dipped in glass. And when it gives way to spring, the hillsides are decked with color, flowers announcing the ground is reborn. There’s space, plenty of it, and if I wasn’t obligated to live at the palace, I might go make a home for myself in the country.” She was quiet for a moment. “I don’t know what your stories and legends say, but if they’re good, then they’re probably all true.”

Tears stung at my eyes. I wanted to see it for myself. I wanted to breathe in the air.

Annika’s hand was on my cheek, trying to offer what comfort she could.

“I’m so sorry,” she said.

“I don’t know how to fix this.”

“I’m not sure there’s an easy answer,” I said.

“There is. There is something obvious, and we’re missing it.”

“Are you always this optimistic?”

She smiled up at me. “Usually.”

“I like it. It’s a marvelous change of pace for me.”

Her tone was playful. “So you think we’re doomed?”

“Obviously,” I replied, trying not to smile and failing. “Let’s check my record, shall we? I set out to simply fetch something from my homeland, came back with you. I tried to question you, you escaped. I went into battle, ended up cornered. I vowed to kill you, and, well, you can see how good that’s going.”

She laughed, and I wished I could wake up and fall asleep to that sound.

“If it’s any comfort, I think you’re failing in the right direction.”

I nodded, brushing my hand along the edge of her chin. “You may be right.”

Her eyes were growing heavy. It had been a long and impossible night. We’d started with a fight and ended it in each other’s arms.

“You can rest,” I told her. “You’re safe.”

“I know,” she whispered. “I just don’t want to miss anything.”

I moved over, kissing the skin just by her ear, breathing my words. “But if you sleep, maybe you’ll dream up all our answers. You’re a very clever girl.”

“I really am,” she mumbled.

I chuckled, coming back to face her. She traced lines on me with her hands. Collarbone, battle scar, jawline. I held on to the piece of her hair that kept falling forward, flipping it through my fingers over and over. She fell asleep first, and I watched her, finding comfort in her slow and steady breaths.

“Are you awake?” I whispered.

Nothing.

“Good. Because I am brave, but even I have my limits.” I put my lips close to her ear. “I love you. In spite of all that’s happened, and regardless of what comes next. I am hopelessly yours.”

And there. That was it. I now had no more secrets.