A Thousand Heartbeats

A letter from Nickolas was waiting in the morning.

“It looks like the duke slipped it under the door in the night,” Noemi said.

I narrowed my eyes. “That seems awfully romantic, for him.”

She chuckled. “A desperate man gets sentimental rather quickly. He might care more than you guessed.”

“He wants to see me,” I announced after skimming over the note.

“I’d imagine so. Will you give him an audience?” Noemi pulled out three dresses, laying them across the back of my couch for me to make my choice. Was it cruel that I wanted to wear something that would break his heart?

“I already told him he wouldn’t see me alone until the wedding. We’ll be together at breakfast, and that will be quite enough for one day.” I slipped the note into its envelope and hopped up from bed. “I think the pink flowers today.”

“Excellent choice. That’s one of my favorites on—” She stopped abruptly.

I turned and saw that Noemi was staring out the window, her focus stolen for the moment.

“Are you all right?” I asked. As I came to the window, I saw exactly what was holding her attention.

Hundreds of soldiers were in the far field going through drills. It wasn’t unheard of for them to train on palace grounds, but it wasn’t common.

“What do you think that’s about?” she asked.

I sighed. “If they’re training here, they must be specifically meant for the palace.”

“Do you think? That many?”

I shrugged. “For the rotations that the entire grounds require, and to keep them from getting tired, they might need that many. And with how on edge Father has been, it wouldn’t surprise me if he also doubled the guards around both Escalus and me.”

She nodded. “Then we shall make this room an oasis,” she said, almost to herself. Her eyes were still on the horizon, but mine were on her. It meant the world that, in the midst of everything, her thoughts were on making every situation better for me.

After lacing up my stays and securing my dress, Noemi moved on to my hair. She pulled the front pieces back, leaving the rest down. As I toyed with a lock of it, I thought of my mother. I always would when I did my hair now. I pulled a flower from one of the vases, cutting the stem so it was short enough to tuck behind my ear.

Deeming me ready, Noemi opened the door and sent me on my way. But when I reached the dining room, I saw the head table was empty except for Escalus.

He looked perfectly at home up there on his own. His coat today was green, and he wore his hair swept back. I walked up to him and kissed his cheek.

“Where’s Father?”

I sat in my assigned seat, even though it meant I was far away from him.

“He’s in meetings.”

I stared at Escalus. There was something off in his tone.

I lowered my voice. “Does this have anything to do with the literal army outside?”

He darted his eyes at the crowd ahead of us and then looked back at me and nodded.

He would tell me, just not now.

“Well, then, where is Nickolas?”

“Haven’t you heard? He’s been holed up in his room since breakfast yesterday. His butler said he refused his meals. I think . . . I think you broke his heart, Annika.”

I rolled my eyes. “Please. Over the brief period we’ve been engaged, he’s done nothing but order me around and ignore me. And if he thinks I’ll forget that he left me alone in the forest, he’s mistaken.”

Escalus shrugged. “We all can act rashly under moments of pressure. Not that I agree with his actions,” he added quickly.

I didn’t reply. What could I say?

He cut his food, frowning at it. “Annika, you have probably realized that I can’t stand Nickolas. His very presence is exhausting. But . . . if I had something important to say, I’d want to be heard out.”

“Did you know he sent me a letter asking for just that?”

He chuckled to himself. “No, but I’m not surprised. Go to him, let him say his piece. If he still does not redeem himself, then fine. Have a distant, loveless marriage.” He sighed. “But I know you. You’ll regret losing so much time if it turns out there was love there all along.”

Nickolas was situated in one of the castle’s best rooms, just a few hallways away from Escalus. Drawing in a deep breath, I knocked on the door. A butler answered, his eyes widening when he saw me.

“Your Royal Highness,” he greeted me, dropping into a bow.

“Is it her?” Nickolas called from deep within the room. I heard his footsteps as he dashed across the floor, wrenching the door wide open. “Annika.” He made my name sound like a rope tossed to a drowning man.

His hair was a mess, his waistcoat was undone, and his cravat was hanging from his neck untied. I’d never seen him with so much as a string out of place. Nickolas was sharp edges, but here he was bent and unmade.

I could admit I preferred him this way.

“I mean, Your Royal Highness,” he finally added, bending into a bow. “I hope this means you received my letter, that you are willing to speak to me. I owe you the greatest of apologies. Please come in and talk with me.”

“Are you quite well, sir?” I asked, continuing to take him in.

“No!” he exclaimed, gripping his hair in his hands. “I’ve never been so unsettled in all my life!”

He made no move to walk me into his room, which was another sign of distress; Nickolas was all about ceremony and propriety. I looked up and down the empty halls before I spoke.

“Nickolas, I never saw us being happy together, and I’d come to terms with that. But after your behavior . . .” I shook my head. “I have no hopes of us even being friendly toward one another. Plenty of marriages among people of our rank turn out this way.” I pushed the urge to cry down hard. It was shattering to admit this aloud.

“But I will not rescind my proposal, and I will make no demands of you. All I ask is to be left alone. In fact, I don’t ask it. I command it. Good day.”

I turned to leave, but he reached out, grabbing my wrist. “Annika.”

He breathed my name in such desperation, it gave me pause. Taking advantage of my stunned state, he brought his other hand around, holding on to my hand and dropping to a knee.

“I’m so sorry. If I . . . If I knew how to express myself better, I would.” He kept his eyes downcast, looking nervous. Nickolas was never nervous. “I’m thankful that you’re still willing to marry me . . . but is there no hope for love in our marriage?”

I looked away for a moment. “Nickolas, if you have ever loved me, you have hidden it extraordinarily well.”

When I turned my eyes back to him, he nodded. “Maybe love is too strong a word. But you’re the only thing I’ve ever been sure of in my life.”

And the way he said it gave me a glimpse into his fear. It was part of why Lennox had scared me so. I’d spent my life in service of my crown. The thought of someone taking it away left me lost. Even though it was hard at times, even though it meant doing things I didn’t care for, I didn’t want to lose it.

Kadier was my life.

It was that ever-pressing sense of duty, the crystal clear vision of my own fears in Nickolas’s eyes, that tugged at the threads of my heart. Tugged, not yanked.

“If there is any truth in that, then prove it.”

He let me go, putting his palms up to me. “Yes. Of course. I just . . . Give me time.”

I turned and walked away, wondering what exactly I’d gotten myself into.