A Thousand Heartbeats

I’d always loved the bells. Once, Mother brought me up to the tower where they were housed and had the keeper show me around. I touched the huge brass bells, and he let me try to pull the rope; I’d been too small to make them chime. But their sound, the clear cast of joy out from the palace, meant celebration. They rang when a royal child was born, when we had a great victory, and—the only reason I’d ever heard them—for holidays.

Today, they rang out for Founding Day. Anyone within sight of the palace would look to see us standing on the balcony. It was our job to wave to the crowd below—some might consider it a frivolous task, but it was one of my few chances to show the people of Kadier that I was here and that I cared for them. I met eyes with so many people, received kisses blown from the tips of their fingers, and I smiled, hoping they would never guess that I was anything but delighted with my place.

The wind lifted my hair, and I pulled it over my shoulder, turning to Escalus. He looked so smart in his uniform, his military training pins along the left side of his chest.

I giggled as he blushed when yet another lady cheered his name. “You need to get used to it,” I told him. “Marriage is the only thing that will save you from such adoration. And even then, you’ll probably still have handkerchiefs dropped in your path. Although maybe that practice would stop if you didn’t always swoop to pick them up.”

He turned to me incredulously. “How could I do such a thing? A lady needs her handkerchief!”

I laughed again, and it rang out with the bells. On Escalus’s other side, Father leaned forward, looking across to me. I could see by the sparkle in his eye that he was himself this morning, really himself.

“You are so like her today,” he said. “With your hair over your shoulder like that, laughing so sweetly.”

Those words from my father’s lips made me want to cry. “Really?”

When he was like this, when the angry fog that had settled in his mind after Mama’s disappearance lifted for a moment, my world changed. I felt hope. I saw the man who used to be so proud of me, so full of praise. I wondered if this person might apologize for words said, things done; I wondered if he might relent and let me out of this engagement. I was very tempted to ask . . . but I could be so wrong, and he could disappear again.

Just like her.

People made that comment almost daily, and it gave me pause sometimes.

I had my mother’s upturned nose and ash-brown hair, and there was a portrait of her in the far corridor that reminded me my eyes were a gift from her, too. But I wondered if there was more than that.

I thought of how Escalus stood sometimes, his weight securely stationed on his left leg, and how Father did that all the time. Or the sounds of their coughs . . . I couldn’t tell between the two unless I was looking. Did I have those things, too? Details I’d forgotten in the years since she’d been gone?

“Hello, my pet,” Nickolas said as he came forward to join us on the edge of the balcony.

I wondered if Mother ever had to work this hard to smile, if we shared that trait, too. “Hello.”

“Will you be going out for the ceremonial fox chase?” he asked as he waved to the crowd below.

I almost hated to pass on the chance. It was rare that Father let me go beyond the palace grounds anymore. But, even if I had been feeling up to it, I didn’t care for the company.

“As I mentioned last night, I’m a bit under the weather. I’d love to ride, but it will be best to stay in for the afternoon,” I said as a means of excusing myself. “But I know you’re an excellent rider, so I’m sure you’ll do well.”

“I suppose,” he replied. “Unless you want me to stay behind with you.”

I worked to keep my voice steady. “No need for that. I’ll just be sleeping anyway.” I moved my eyes to the crowd, smiling and waving again.

“I’ve been thinking,” he began as we continued to acknowledge the people, “I don’t want a lengthy engagement. Do you think you could arrange the wedding within a month?”

A month?

A strange feeling like . . . like a hand around my throat engulfed me.

“I . . . I’d have to ask His Majesty. I haven’t exactly planned a wedding before,” I said, attempting to disguise my fear with a joke.

“Understandable. But let’s not waste any time.”

I tried to think of an excuse to wait . . . not a one came to mind.

“As you wish,” I finally said. The bells finished ringing, and we gave our final nods to the crowd, turning to go inside. Still to come was the fox chase and the dance young girls did in the square with their ribbons in the air. If I stayed on the balcony, I could see it from afar. Later we hosted a hunt where the children would search for painted stones hidden around the palace, and the day would cap off with a feast. Founding Day was truly my favorite holiday.

He smiled as we walked. “I’m pleased to see you so obliging. I did hope to discuss something else with you.” He stopped me, holding both of my hands in his. It was a gesture so tender that I wondered for a moment where my fear had come from.

This was Nickolas, after all. I’d known him—from a distance—my whole life. He might not have been what I wanted, but he was nothing to run from.

“You are eighteen now. A proper lady, and a princess at that. After the engagement is announced, I expect you to wear your hair up.”

My heart plummeted. Not ten minutes ago, my father had rejoiced in my hair as it was. “I . . . My mother always wore her hair down. I prefer it.”

“In private, that’s fine. But you’re not a child anymore, Annika. A lady ought to wear her hair up.”

I swallowed hard. He was dangerously close to crossing a line. “My mother was an immeasurably magnificent lady.”

He cocked his head, speaking in a tone so measured and calm it was amazing it could also be so irritating. “I’m not trying to start a fight, Annika. I simply think that you ought to show your maturity, your sense of propriety. I understand that not all older women pull their hair up, but most do. If you’re on my arm, I expect you to be properly presented.”

I let go of one of his hands so I could reach back to lace my fingers through the ends of my hair, which fell to the middle of my back. It was the same color as hers; it had the same loose curls. I kept it clean and styled; having it down was nothing to be ashamed of.

I was prepared to fight—it wouldn’t be the first time—but now was not the time or place.

“Is that all?” I asked.

“For now. Off to change for the chase.” He pulled up my hand and kissed it before walking away.

From across the hall, Father gave me a smile, a genuine one again.

I didn’t want him to see me sad. Not on a good day. I needed to get away. I hid in a parlor while everyone got ready for the chase, and, once the palace was quiet again, I crept to my only hiding place.

I was confused when I walked into the library, and it took me a second to realize why: it was dim. Rhett had forgone drawing back most of the drapes, and the library was cast in gray shadows.

It was eerily quiet, but not empty. Rhett was there, near the front doors, sunk back in a velvet chair, toying with another lock. He looked up when he heard me coming but didn’t break into his usual smile.

“Is this the new one?” I asked, carefully sitting across from him.

He nodded and handed it over. It was heavier than it looked. I pulled a pin out of my apparently offensive hair and went to work.

“Where did you find this? It looks so old,” I commented, using the pin to investigate the inside of the keyhole.

“It was in a bucket in the kitchen. Someone must have found it sitting around, and no one knows where the key is anymore.”

He sounded unenthusiastic, which wasn’t like him. Rhett had learned how to pick locks and pockets in the packed towns on the outskirts of the country before he came to the palace for honest work.

My mother, as I said, was all about forgiveness.

He worked hard in the stables but showed a voracious hunger for learning. When the old mistress of the library passed, I suggested to my mother that a young man with Rhett’s mind and determination would be the best candidate to entrust it to, and she happened to agree. He’d been a natural. Not just with the library, but with everything he practiced. He helped me with my sword fighting, even though it wasn’t entirely approved, and he still found time to teach me how to pick both locks and pockets. For all my talk, I knew I had nothing close to his deftness or skill, but I loved it all the same.

“Is something wrong?” I asked offhandedly, my hairpin finally finding a point that might move.

“Heard a rumor.”

“Rumors,” I repeated. “Hmm. I can never decide if they’re wicked or entertaining. I suppose it depends on the topic. Is the stuff they say downstairs as bad as it is upstairs?”

Rhett toyed with a long piece of straw. “Well . . . it was an upstairs rumor.”

I paused my pin immediately. “Oh?”

He suddenly burst out with the words. “Are you really engaged to Nickolas? Why didn’t you tell me?”

There was something about the inflection of his words, the way his eyes seemed to grow dark when he said them, that told me he was more than a little disappointed he’d found out from someone else. I didn’t expect him to be so wounded over it.

“Yes. I am. It only happened last night. I wasn’t trying to hide it from you. I don’t particularly want to tell anyone yet.”

“So it’s true? You’re actually marrying him?” There was an edge to his voice, some deep emotion stirring.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

I lifted up my arms in exasperation. “Because I have to, obviously.” I went back to poking the lock, doing a much worse job now that I was irritated.

“Oh.” His voice softened. “So, you’re . . . not in love with him?”

I looked at him with hollow eyes. “No, I don’t love him. But because I love Kadier, I will marry Nickolas all the same. Even though it feels like someone’s built a cage around my chest and my lungs can’t fill the whole way. Maybe . . . maybe I’ve read too many books.” I shrugged. “But I’d hoped for passion, for a love that took reason by the shoulders and shoved it off a cliff. I’d hoped for a sense of freedom within the confines of my life . . . but that’s not going to happen for me. Nickolas is not my soul mate, nor is he my beloved. He’s my intended, and that is all. I’m simply trying to find a way to make the best of it.”

“Do you even like him?”

I sighed. “Rhett, even for us, I’m not sure these questions are entirely appropriate.”

He took my hand, wrapping his fingers around mine as they held on to the lock. I could feel every callus he’d earned in his youth, every healed cut. “Isn’t that the point? You could always talk to me, Annika. Honestly.”

I looked into his brown eyes, brimming with tenderness. There weren’t many people I could tell the truth to anymore. Escalus knew more about me than anyone, and Noemi came in a close second. Mother wasn’t here, and Father couldn’t be trusted anymore, not with anything truly important. But Rhett . . . he was right. I’d always been candid with him.

“What am I supposed to say?” I ventured. “I’ve been born to a specific role in this world. It comes with responsibilities. I’m trying to accept it with a certain level of grace. Am I in love? No. But plenty of marriages are loveless. Right now, I’m just aiming for respect.”

“Fine, then do you respect him?”

I swallowed. Well, he cut right to the heart of it, didn’t he?

“Annika, you can’t do this.”

I laughed, a tired, humorless sound. “I assure you, every avenue has been explored. If a prince and a princess couldn’t stop it, I don’t expect a librarian to manage it.”

It was a low blow, one I’d never have made if I wasn’t feeling so raw.

“I’m sorry,” I said, almost immediately. “If you want to help, support me. Right now, I need every friend I can get. I need people who can remind me to look for the positive.”

He surveyed the ground for a minute. “His posture is . . . remarkable. If you ever need to measure something, he’d be an excellent stick.”

My laugh came out in a snort, which made Rhett laugh, which made me really laugh.

“See there,” I said. “It’s already better than it was when I walked in.”

“I’m always here for you, Annika.”

I looked into Rhett’s eyes, those sincere brown eyes. At least I could always come to him.

And then, with no warning, he took my face in his hands and smashed his lips into mine.

I jumped up quickly, the lock falling from my lap to the carpet.

“What are you doing?!”

“You must know how I feel, Annika. And I know you feel the same.”

“You know nothing!” I said, wiping at my mouth in shock. “If anyone had come in, do you know what they’d have done? And it would be ten times worse for you than for me!”

He stood and grabbed at my hands again. “Then don’t give them the chance, Annika.”

“What?”

“Run away with me.”

My shoulders slumped, so tired. “Rhett.”

“You just said you wanted a love that dismissed reason. If my loving you doesn’t do that, then I don’t know what does.”

I shook my head, confused. Had I mistaken his affections all this time?

“I can’t.”

“You can,” he insisted. “Think about it. You could walk into your room and pack every single jewel in your possession. And I can pick every pocket from here to the border. Once we get out of Kadier, no one would know you from anyone else. We could build a house. I could get a job. We can just be.”

“Rhett, stop talking nonsense.”

“It’s not nonsense!” he swore. “Think about it. Annika, we could be free.”

I momentarily considered his proposal. We could take any of the horses we wanted, and, with the celebration, if we left now, we wouldn’t be found missing until morning. And he was right that no one would recognize me. I’d been kept in the capital for the last three years, barely even stepping off the palace grounds. If I wasn’t riding under the flag, people wouldn’t have the faintest clue that royal blood coursed through my veins.

If I really wanted to, I could disappear.

“Rhett . . .”

“You don’t have to decide right now. Think about it. Say the word, Annika, and I will take you far away from here. I will love you for my whole life.”