A Thousand Heartbeats

I installed the lock on my door myself. It was a spike between two iron rings that kept it from opening even if someone lifted the latch. It wasn’t sophisticated, and it wasn’t pretty, but it was a step up from what everyone else had.

I stayed there, door locked, waiting for everyone to show up. I thought through what the next few days would look like. I’d start packing tonight.

The maps we had were old, and very few of us had been bold enough to go too far west before. But we could make it to Dahrain—or, as it had been renamed, Kadier—if we just kept our wits about us.

I didn’t have much information about Kadier. I knew there was a king, and I knew he had a grand palace that should be Kawan’s. I knew, based on the few maps we still had, that it was the largest country on the continent. I knew that it was his people who took everything from mine.

A knock sounded at the door, and I pulled the latch, watching Inigo, Sherwin, Andre, Griffin, and Blythe pour into my room.

“I’m sorry I laughed at you,” Inigo said right away. “But you have to admit, it’s funny.”

I sighed. “I do. You have clothes for me?”

“Yes,” Griffin said. “Everything’s already packed. We thought that might be smarter than dragging it all down here.”

I nodded. “Good thinking. And, Blythe,” I started, scratching at my head as I went down to pull the bag from under the bed, “I hope these will work.”

She reached in, pulling out dresses, holding them up against herself. “This should be fine. You look so worried,” she commented, seeming amused.

I cleared my throat, standing up and tugging at my waistcoat. “I can’t be expected to know about dresses.”

She looked down at the material, a hand smoothing over the folds at the waist. “Don’t worry. I still remember how to look like a lady.”

There was a hint of longing in her voice, but I ignored it, moving back to the matter at hand. “All of you need to be ready to go in the morning. Grab the tents, obviously, and take a sword from the stockpile. Getting through that forest is a haul, so make sure you have extra food. I don’t know how long this might take.”

I swallowed, broaching a subject I wished I could avoid. “I know you all already understand that this mission is dangerous. If for some reason one of us is captured, don’t give the enemy an opportunity to get information out of you. Better to die than betray the entire army. If you don’t think you can handle that, tell me now.”

Sherwin took a shaky breath but then drew himself up to his full height. And, short as he was, it was reassuring. Andre was giving a quiet but reassuring smile, and Griffin’s eyes looked glassy, but he was nodding his head all the same. Inigo shrugged as if this were nothing. Blythe, arms still embracing the dress in front of her, cocked her head.

“I already told you: I don’t fail.”

I worked to suppress a smile. “Very well,” I addressed the group. “Go sleep. I’ll meet you at the stable after breakfast.”

“Shoo!” Griffin said, swatting at something outside the window. “Sorry. I think an animal was trying to get in. You should board this up.”

I peeked over, hoping Thistle was still hiding nearby. There was no way to explain her presence. “Thanks.” I looked down. “See you all in the morning.”

After they were gone, I stared at the open window, waiting for her to come back. I swallowed, thinking that, if I didn’t return, Thistle might be the only one that cared.

When the wind brushed against my face, it was warm. A warmth I’d never felt in my life. And something in the air smelled sweet, like baking apples. The landscape was unfamiliar, so I started turning, looking for a landmark I recognized. There was nothing. No mountain, no violent ocean, no decaying castle. Instead, there was tall grass, moving as if it were waving every time it got swept up in the breeze. The land rolled a few times, kissing the horizon in the beauty of a setting sun. It was so startlingly different from any sunset I’d ever seen, so I reached out to touch it.

When I did, I saw that my fingers were leaving marks like ink on the sky. I was an oblique pen. So I stretched my hand up, and I engraved my name across the sky.

Lennox.

There was more to my name, but we didn’t use it anymore . . . I decided I didn’t need it anyway. The sky was mine now.

Satisfied, I lay back in the grass. It was so tall that it built a wall around me, and I stayed there, watching the sky grow darker.

I lay there, smiling in the dark, unable to see anything. The air was still so warm.

And then there was a hand caressing my cheek. Unlike the land, this touch felt familiar, like it had been with me all my life. But somehow not.

“There you are,” I breathed.

“I am,” a voice whispered back.

“Stay,” I pleaded. “It’s lonely.”

There was no reply, only the same gentle stroke up my cheek and into my hair. It felt like I could truly rest, like I was both finally invisible and finally seen.

It was such a relief that when I woke up and realized it wasn’t real, my eyes welled. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry. But I wanted to.

I sniffled, and at that, Thistle crept up, nuzzling my face.

“When did you sneak in?” I asked. “I just had the best dream.”

She yipped.

“No, you weren’t there. But don’t worry, when I finally get what belongs to me, I’ll take you with me. I’m close. I’m so, so close.”

The sky was changing colors, so the sun was going to make an appearance soon. Thistle knew that, and she moved up to my pillow, resting her head by mine, sighing heavily as she settled into sleep.

“Why do you come back?” I whispered. “Don’t you know how dangerous it is to close your eyes near me? Everyone else knows.”

She was warming my side, and I looked out the window, watching the stars disappear. It wasn’t the same peace as the hand in my dream, willingly reaching out to comfort me . . . but it was the best I could ever hope to have, so I accepted it. Soon I’d put myself in a position where I wouldn’t need comfort. Not comfort, not approval, not anything. And today was the first step.