SWNOVELS Chapter CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The Sun beat down upon the corn fields as the automated feeders hummed and whirred, showering the growing crops beneath them. Their long, metallic arms sprayed liquid nourishment as they swooped over the rows of vegetation. These hovering devices moved in unison, evenly feeding the miles of agrarian landscape. One of the feeders began to beep, it had to refill its tank. It cut off from the others, as they moved to fill the gap. The backpack-sized robot flew silently over the fields, heading for the refilling point. It landed softly and signalled the refilling point to do its job. A long hose extended from the side and attached itself to the top of the floating robot.
Limited though its AI was, the robotic farmer had, nevertheless, developed an appreciation for the picturesque setting of its existence. Though it could never explain what it felt, the robot still found beauty in the rainbows that were cast when the sun light shone through the mist of the crop dusters. Through mysterious circumstances, this inanimate device was actually learning to become sentient. It was beginning to comprehend this glorious development when, seemingly from out of nowhere, an escape pod crashed into it, destroying the refilling point in the process.
The door fired from the pod and Van fell out onto the dusty ground below. He got to his feet, the wind knocked out of him. He looked around at the mangled mess of debris around him. Something stunk. He made his way around the crashed pod and spotted the corn fields. He smiled, still struggling to catch his breath, things were finally looking up. Yukimi doesn’t know what she’s talking about, he thought, clutching his chest, this place’ll be tits! He walked over to the nearest stalks of corn and tore off three cobs. He then returned to the pod and threw two of them into the open hatch above. “Eat up, motherfuckers!” he called out, triumphantly.
Yukimi’s head popped up from the vacant hatch. Green blood oozed from a gash down the side of her face. She pulled herself out of the hatch and dropped down to where Van was waiting. He saw the cut on her face and ripped a length of fabric from his vest. He passed it to her and she wrapped it around her head, covering most of her face. Her black jump suit was bathed in the filth of the OEO death planet but was otherwise intact. Van, on the other hand, looked as though he had been through a wood chipper. The combat trousers and leather jacket he had acquired on the Crucible, had suffered severe scorch marks and tears as a result of his most recent adventure. As for his vest, that had been cropped when he fashioned it into a makeshift bandage. All in all, he now looked like a struggling glam rocker that had cut his hair and given up on bathing. Not his finest moment.
Dallas’ voice came from inside the pod; “How the fuck am I supposed to cook this?”
“There’s some stuff on fire out here, try that!” Van shouted back.
There was some rustling from inside the pod and a minute later, Dallas was hoisting himself from the hatch and standing atop the crashed pod. He looked down at his friends, they were truly a sight, especially now that Yukimi looked like a Mummy going through a Goth phase.
“Why does it stink of shit out here?” Dallas yelled.
“Fertilizer for the local flora,” came Yukimi’s muffled reply.
“Oh,” he replied, “well, it stinks fucking awful.”
“We can move away from the stink as soon as you get down here!” shouted Van impatiently. Dallas sat down and slid himself down the side of the pod. His trademarked red hoodie had survived better than expected, given all it had been through, however, the same could not be said for his denim jeans. The bulk of which was now comprised of holes. His hair was a knotted mess of black curls, which protruded from his head. He brushed off his tattered clothes and they began walking to a nearby road.
As they reached the roadside, they spotted what appeared to be a flying skip, making its way toward them. Yukimi began to flex and stretch.
“Are you ready?” she asked.
“Ready for what?” asked Van.
“Do you really want to walk down this road?” replied Yukimi, “The pod didn’t have many water rations and we have no food.”
“It’s way too fast to just jump on,” Dallas commented, “we’ll just get hurt. Fuck that.”
“Then what would you suggest?” Asked Yukimi, losing her patience.
“We could get on it when it stops?”
“Oh, very good Dallas. And how do you propose we make it stop?”
Just then, the flying skip stopped under a large tube, coming from the side of a wooden barn a few metres away from them.
“Try not to choke on your own foot,” said Van as they walked over to the parked device. As the tube pumped corn cobs into the back of the skip, our heroes seated themselves atop the metal sides.
“So, what’s the plan now?” asked Van, adjusting his rear in a way that wouldn’t give him ‘piles’.
“As there appear to be now domiciliary structures around here,” replied Yukimi, scanning the horizon, “I propose we use this transport to bring us closer to the local civilisation.”
“Sounds good to me,” said Dallas, helping himself to some corn.
“There’s just one issue I feel may hinder us,” added Yukimi in a serious tone, “the girl we encountered from here.”
“The one you killed,” Dallas reminded her, “her name was Harmony.”
“She did try to kill us, dude,” Added Van.
“Oh yeah. Ok, carry on.”
Yukimi groaned. “As I was saying,” she continued, “the girl said that synthetic lifeforms were considered an abomination to her people.”
“So?” Asked Van.
“So, they might not be as hospitable to persons such as myself.”
“How would they know?” asked Van, as the last of the corn was poured in behind them.
“Harmony knew,” she replied, “what’s to say the others won’t?”
The skip set off again, carrying the travellers along the dusty, sun-drenched road. The road was lined with fields upon fields of various, simple crops. All were grown and harvested automatically by robotic farmers. Perfectly maintained agricultural land, stretched out as far as the eye could see.
“I know how Harmony knew,” commented Dallas, casually, “She had an implant thingy.”
“I was under the impression that her people didn’t believe in cybernetic enhancements?” asked Yukimi.
“Not for medicine or, like, replacement limbs and shit. But, they do have ocular implants to help them see ‘Unholies’, or whatever. Apparently it helps them serve God, I got bored whenever she talked about that stuff.”
“Marvellous,” said Yukimi, throwing her arms out in frustration, “So they’ll know about all of our implants and kill us. We should cut our losses now and just go and save the Universe.”
“Nice try,” said Van, “but this could still work out. I mean, she didn’t know about my arm or eye, perhaps she just got lucky. I say we give this a shot, at least. We can still bail, if it turns out bad. They must have ships, or she wouldn’t have made it to Happy World, would she?”
He had a point, but he was still stretching their odds. Van wasn’t going to purposely risk his life, unless it really was the only option. He knew Yukimi would force them to go into battle, if this planet wasn’t good enough to live on and wished desperately that he had made a safer bet.
As the flying skip barrelled on, the agrarian landscape retreated and they were met by a very different sight. The thriving agricultural land was replaced with red sands and black rocks. The trees around them, were long dead and scorched as black as the rocks. Mountains grew from the distance. As they neared, large, temple-like structures were visible on their peaks. The upper portions of the mountains appeared to be coated in dense jungle plants, despite the thick plumes of smoke that drifted up to them from the ground beneath. It was pumped out from wide holes that burst forth like industrial chimneys.
Their ride was now one of a chain of other such transports. They crossed the terrain in a single-file pattern, as if following invisible train tracks. The other carriages were filled with different foods, one even looked like it had hundreds of dead monkeys in it. Wherever they were heading, it wasn’t somewhere the trio of passengers wanted to find themselves.
The automated hover-train began to slow and was heading directly for one of the mountains. On top of it could be seen the largest building they had seen thus far. It was a palace made up of five, humungous cylindrical turrets, each adorned with brightly coloured rooftops. Shaped like teardrops, these rooves had long, pointed spears jutting out from them.
Before their food carriage reached the jungle tree line, our heroes dove off, landing in the blackened earth that covered the mountain’s lower half. From below them came the sound of chisels and shouting. They slid downwards, until they found themselves above a large mine entrance. Outside of it stood two, surly looking guards. They wore black trousers and boots, with red fabric belts. Their turbans followed this colour scheme. They didn’t wear anything on top, revealing their stone-like flesh. Their skin seemed to be comprised of a thick carapace. They stood motionless with crossed arms, a scimitar hanging from their belts.
The three heroes looked down at them from their vantage point. Van recognised the guards’ outfits, though he had no idea where from. He turned to Dallas.
“You wanna distract those scary guys down there?”
“My pleasure,” replied Dallas with a smile.
He grabbed two medium sized boulders and positioned them on the mine entrance support beam, over the intimidating guards. He stood up and licked his finger then held it up as if carefully checking the wind speed.
“Okay,” he said placing his hands on the heavy rocks, “if my calculations are correct, this should knock them out for long enough for us to tie them up and take their swords.”
He pushed the boulders and watched as they crashed onto the heads of the unsuspecting guards. The force of the impact bust their heads open like over ripe watermelons. Van snickered to himself.
“They’re dead, aren’t they?” He asked.
“Super-dead,” replied Dallas without turning around, “It’s fucking gross! I think I’m gonna-“
He let out an unholy noise and released a stream of vomit onto the headless corpses below.
“Oh God,” he said, spitting last of his stomach contents out, “That- that’s even worse… I made it worse, you guys. I’m sorry…”
“It’s fine,” said Van who was finding his friend’s reaction quite entertaining, “if we needed them alive, I wouldn’t have asked you.”
They made their way down the mountainside to Dallas’ latest victims. Chunks of skull and brain matter were scattered all around the entryway. The exposed spines of the bodies were splintered and caked in fresh, steaming vomit. Even Yukimi had to stifle her gag reflex at this grisly sight. One of the sheathed scimitars had also been hosed in Dallas’ last meal.
“That one’s yours,” said Van, pointing Dallas to the sick-coated sword.
Dallas sighed and walked over to it, pulling his sleeve over his hand as he reached down for the handle. He wiped it off on the finite amount of clean fabric that remained on the corpse’s trousers. Van grabbed the other one and shook off the errant pieces of grey matter that had stuck to the blade. Yukimi wasn’t interested in weapons and was instead examining the mine entrance.
The vertical support struts, which flanked the opening, were made entirely from skulls. At least a hundred people had given their lives to construct the 40 foot high entrance. The beam from which Dallas had dropped the boulders had a large wooden sculpture of a four-armed, humanoid woman hanging from it. In her left arms were a severed head and an axe.
They ventured inside and found several mine carts idling before a slew of tunnels. They were resting on tracks that led into the various openings. They were designed to only let the carts, or something of equal size, to enter. The carts themselves appeared to lack the means for self-propulsion, so something very small must have brought them there.
“We should follow one of these tunnels,” announced Yukimi, “I believe this one will lead us to people.”
“Fuck crouching along a tiny passage,” replied Van, “Those headless dudes outside wouldn’t have fit, so there’s gotta be another way in.”
He looked around and, sure enough, there was a clearly marked ‘staff entrance’ nestled on a far wall. They walked through it and found themselves in a dimly lit, stone hallway, which led off into the distance. The walls were lined with torches made from bone. Large cobwebs hung like sheets from the roof and walls, hindering their progress. Even if this entrance was designed for the hulking guards, they clearly hadn’t used it in some time. But, if that was the case, who had been lighting the torches?
They reached the end of the hallway and came out onto a wooden concourse. Below them was a deep dark cavernous expanse. In its depths, small, child-like creatures with four arms toiled away. They were mining the inside of the mountain. Their skin was covered entirely in dust from the mine. More of the rock-skinned guards stood over them, whipping those who began showing signs of exhaustion.
They saw more of the carts they had passed on their way in, only these were piled high with crystals and being pushed by the emaciated child miners. This rang a few bells in Van’s memory but he didn’t want to hang around and ponder this as it would take only a single glance skyward to give them away.
“I suppose you wanna save these little fuckers too, hey Yukimi?” whispered Van.
“If you are suggesting that this situation is in any way equivalent to the fate that awaits the rest of the Universe, then you are as small-minded as you are humorous.”
“I know you didn’t mean it to be, but I take that as a compliment.”
They crossed the catwalk and once again entered an enclosed hallway. The skeletal motif was present here also, apparently the interior decorator had quite the one track mind. The sounds of chanting could be heard from the end of the passageway, so the heroes pressed on cautiously.
A few moments later, the left wall of the hallway disappeared and revealed a massive chamber beneath them. The trio crouched down and sequestered themselves behind the knee-high wall that overlooked the opening.
The high walls of the chamber had been carved with giant depictions of the same character they had seen above the mine entrance. The room was carved in two by a pit of glowing lava. The larger area of the ground was covered in people chanting loudly. On the other side of the glowing chasm was a huge shrine. It was carved to look like the other statues but this one was posed differently. Its arms were stuck out straight in front of it. The hands were downturned and had skulls clutched in them. Hanging down from the skulls were two, thick chains. Attached to the chains was a thin metal cage.
A man in a horned mask stood facing the crowd of chanters, his arms outstretched to receive their adulation. Drums began to sound, leading the chant to change. The worshippers were now chanting a single phrase; “Kali Ma, Kali Ma, Kali Ma.” Van felt there was something oddly familiar about this too, but still couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
The heroes watched on from their vantage point, as a human girl, almost identical in appearance to Harmony, was being led out to the shrine. The girl was smiling as the horn-masked man walked her over to the cage and stood her inside. He shackled her wrists and ankles in place then drew back his right arm. The worshippers were chanting louder now and the drums’ tempo had increased. The man at the front made a claw with his hand and plunged it into the girls chest. He pulled out her heart and held it aloft. A guard came and closed the cage on the woman, who appeared to be unharmed, despite having a vital organ forcibly removed.
The cage was raised up over the fiery chasm and then lowered into it. The heart in the masked man’s hand began to burn as if it were being ignited by an unseen force.
As Van watched the twisted ceremony, he was plagued once again by the feeling that he had seen this all before. It was really getting annoying, like a persistent sense of déjà vu. The cage was now being pulled back up, the chains rattling as they exited the glowing chasm. The worshippers were still chanting as the cage finally emerged from its steaming hole. The young blonde was no longer inside. Where had Van seen this before?
He looked around him and saw an old, splintered wooden door. He crouched low as he crossed the corridor. He pushed at the door, which swung open with a quiet creak. He stepped inside and lit his Happy World torch.
Bull whips hung from the walls on racking. He retrieved one and held it in his hand, inspecting the grip. So familiar, he thought, but why? He shone the torch light around the room and saw a dusty, brown fedora, sat on a nearby table.
This was it, he knew why this whole set up seemed so familiar. He turned on his heels, still holding the leather whip. He dashed back out to his comrades.
“It’s the fucking Temple of Doom!” He cried in excitement.
Yukimi and Dallas turned to look at the beaming Van. But they weren’t the only ones. The worshippers had also heard his ecstatic yelling and were now staring silently at them.
Van looked back at them, “Uh, hey,” he said, “I don’t suppose you have any properties to rent on this planet, do you?”
An angry roar erupted from the crowd and the charged to the wall from which the trio had been observing. They began to climb up to them. Our heroes took off running down the hallway. They zig-zagged their way through a series of doors and corridors trying their best to escape the pursuing worshippers.
The trio were now in a room filled with decaying bodies.
“This way,” said Van, “we can lose them before the secret passage!”
He led them into a circular chamber, skipping over the skulls of former occupants. As they dashed through the adjacent doorway, Van hit a square panel on the inside, causing the openings to close. They kept running, the ground beneath them crunched with each step.
“What are we standing on?” asked Yukimi.
“Something gross,” answered Van, “Just don’t think about it!”
They turned a corner and found themselves in the light once more. They hit what seemed to be a dead end, but Van pulled a lever and the wall swung out towards them. On its reverse was another carving of a woman, only this one had just two arms and they were raised as if holding something up.
The trio stepped through the new opening and emerged in a luxurious bedroom. The opening closed behind them, leaving no sign that it was ever out of place. They looked around at their extravagant surroundings. Every surface was made from blue and white marble. Several ornate cupboards were placed about the room, with strange ornaments on top of them. In the centre of the room was a green bed, it had a lace vail draped over it and long pillows at both ends.
“Awesome,” said Van, “It’s just like the film.”
“What the Hell are you talking about?” asked Yukimi, “How did you know where to go?”
“It’s like ‘Temple of Doom’,” he replied, “I guess this place must have been a nerd planet before.”
“That doesn’t answer my question…”
Yukimi was correct, that wasn’t a fitting answer. You see, there truly are planets to meet every need in the Universe. If, for instance, you found enough people that were into the same idea, any idea, you could make a world that would cater to that interest. The, aptly named, ‘Nerd Planets’ were a prime example of this principle. Unlike Happy World, these endeavours were labours of love, rather than financial conquests and focussed upon a specific piece of popular culture.
This particular Nerd Planet had been founded by admirers of the Indiana Jones movie: The Temple of Doom. However, sometime during the centuries since its inception, the inhabitants had forgotten that it had all begun as an hommage to a shared interest and the insidious Kali Cult had taken over.
“So what you’re saying,” said Dallas digesting the information Van had just imparted, “is that we’re in another fucked-up pop-culture reference?”
“Yes,” replied Van, “But, on the upside, these ones aren’t immortal.”
“So, Mr Expert,” said Yukimi, “where do we go now?”
“It’s a real old film, but I think we need to find a rope bridge,” answered Van, “It’s been a while since I watched it, but I know that’s where they win in the end.”
“If that is the case,” she said, “then might I suggest we look around the jungle to the top of the mountain. I saw that there are a number of smaller mountains nearby. If there is a rope bridge anywhere, then that is the area with the highest probability of having it.”
“Alright,” replied Van, clasping his hands together, “Let’s do this thing.”
Dallas gently turned the door handle and peered out. The hallway was empty. He stepped out and signalled for Van and Yukimi to follow him. They walked briskly towards the nearest exit and left the confines of the Palace. The jungle was swarming with guards. They brandished their swords, probing bushes and thickets with thrusts of their blades. Word of their intrusion had moved faster than they had. They slowly made their way around the jungle perimeter, being sure to stay behind the guards.
Eventually, Van spotted the rope bridge. The guards that had been searching the area had all moved on, but two still remained to stand watch over the bridge. Van threw the whip he had been carrying into a bush, a few metres away from them. The guards took the bait and went to investigate the noise. As the trio crept towards the bridge, Van’s CID emitted a loud beeping noise. The guards turned around angrily and gave chase.
They ran onto the elongated rope bridge, the number of guards multiplying by the minute. They were nearly half way across, when more guards started to approach from the other side. They were trapped. Van looked down at his CID and smiled. Living out part of one of his all-time favourite movies had been fun, but he knew it was time to end things now. He pulled out his sword and pressed the blade edge against the thick ropes that were keeping them aloft. He turned to Dallas and Yukimi, and smiled.
“D’you guys trust me?” he asked.
They both looked at each other as Van raised the sword. The guards closest to them had stopped advancing and began silently praying to Kali, that the man they were chasing wasn’t about to kill them all. Their prayers were not answered. Van slashed through the ropes, splitting the bridge in two. They fell, plummeting down, but the fall was short lived, at least for our heroes. Rather than joining the cultists in the waiting jaws of the crocodiles below, they were instead swallowed by the cargo bay of The Bessie Fontaine.
The cargo doors closed as the crew acclimated to the artificial gravity. Van stood up; very sore, but happy to be alive. He was home again.
“D00D,” he called out, “I don’t know how you did that or how you found us, but I am so glad you did.”
“Welcome back,” came D00D’s disembodied voice, “I am happy to report that I am fully repaired, but I am even happier to find you all still alive.”
“Fuckin’ aye right,” said Van, “But exactly how did you get fixed?”
“The only answer I can give to that question is; that he has left a letter in your quarters. He has also cleaned them, but that isn’t important.”
Van didn’t say anything to this and instead made his way to the captain’s quarters. As he walked through the familiar rooms of his ship, Van noticed that all of the damage that had been incurred, since he left the Professor all those years ago, had been repaired. Even the bullet holes he had made one drunken evening were now gone.
He entered his room and spied a paper envelope resting on his bed. He picked it up and carefully broke the blank wax-seal. He opened it and read the contents. A heart-breaking smile flushed his cheeks. He read it twice, then folded it up and clutched it to his chest.
“D00D, tell Yukimi I’m finally up for her plan to save the Universe,” he announced.
“And when she inevitably asks why you’ve had such an uncharacteristic change of heart?”
“Tell her that, if we pull it off, I’ll show her the impossible letter that convinced me.”