SWNOVELS Chapter CHAPTER TEN
It had taken almost a week to reach the Horse-head nebula and Agent Sephtus hadn’t said a word to Van or Dallas that wasn’t directly related to the mission. She was a woman wholly devoted to her work, a one-track mind that knew only the drive to accomplish her goals. Van had tried to flirt at one point and had nearly had his arm ripped off for his trouble. He held out hope that he’d get to her eventually though.
Since this ’setback’ he had resigned himself to watching crazy, intergalactic media and playing videogames with Dallas. They had grown especially fond of a show called ’name that orifice’. It was a gameshow in which contestants would be temporarily blinded and forced to put their hands (or whatever appendages they had) into a random creature’s random orifice and guess what it was. If they won, they were allowed to ’reclaim their ‘collateral’; this meant that whatever or whomever was being held captive to make them play the game would be returned to them. This could be anything from a personal talisman all the way to a beloved relative. If they lost, however, they would remain blinded and their collateral would be disposed of.
Even Agent Sephtus had seemed to enjoy the show, though she would never admit to enjoying such a crude premise. Nevertheless, it was the one show that she would sneak glances at from behind her data pad. She sent daily updates to Thosis and was obdurate in her aversion to small talk.
Van and Dallas were finally sick of Sephtus’ stoic demeanour, so decided to turn the conversation to something they knew she would be able to converse about.
They found her sat in the kitchen, at the dinner table, and took the seats across from her. She didn’t look up and instead made her body language more closed off. She had switched from her data pad, to a small paperback book. Dallas didn’t know they even still printed books anymore, until he saw the one in the Agent’s hands. He strained to read the title; it was a novel called ‘1984’ by an author called George Orwell. Aliens have the dumbest names, he thought to himself.
“So,” said Van, breaking the awkward silence that had sat there as long as he had, “your boss seems like a real hard-ass, what’s the story there?”
Agent Sephtus closed her book and sat it down neatly on her lap. She cleared her throat, “Commander Zeffross, is a great man and it is an honour for anyone to work under him. Do you have any further questions, or can I get back to my novel now?”
“He seems kinda nuts to me,” said Dallas blankly. Agent Sephtus shot Dallas a look like lasers were about to burst from her eyes and vaporise him on the spot. Her teeth audibly clenched;
“Excuse me?” she asked, trying to keep a leash on the anger that Dallas had clearly stirred in her.
“Well,” he continued, either unaware or simply not caring that he had stepped on a very raw nerve, “he dresses like a super-villain and he threatens people into doing what he wants, just seems a little- you know… ’Iffy’“
She narrowed her eyes and leaned forward as if to challenge Dallas with her posture. She unclenched her teeth. “Would you like to tell you about how sane and none super-villain-like he is? Let me tell you about the once humble planet of Corvus Minor. The Commander was once charting the planet while on a routine research mission, when the team’s ship was destroyed and along with it all means of communication. Shortly after that, the other members of the research team died from exposure to local toxins.
The Commander was all alone. The planet’s dominant species lacked any technological advancements, beyond primitive tools and weapons. They even still used a system of currency based upon rare minerals. They were millennia away from space travel or interplanetary communication.
“ He took it upon himself to advance their race, even helping them to evolve on a genetic level. He guided them toward a system of Government and technological breakthroughs, he became their leader and taught them to overcome their misguided ways.
“Once they had grown to a level where they could sustain themselves, they built him a ship so that he might go home. He turned them from a care-free race of simple-minded primitives and made them capable of overcoming pointless endeavours like capitalism. He made it a Utopia.
“His only mistake was to let them govern themselves. Only 15 years after he left, they bombed themselves to extinction. I’m sure it must haunt him to this very day. So, what do you think of him now?”
Van and Dallas stared silently at the satisfied looking researcher as she sat back to await their inevitable concession, after hearing her evidence of Commander Zeffross’ gallantry. Van breathed in, digesting the last of what he had just heard,
“sounds like a super-villain, right?”
“Completely,” agreed Dallas, “that’s totally what a super-villain would do.”
The agent’s stoic visage broke and she looked at them incredulously, “WHAT?!” she shrieked, “He advanced the knowledge and reach of an entire civilisation, giving them an understanding of the Universe that they would never had known for thousands of years otherwise. How could that possibly be considered the actions of a super-villain?”
“Yeah,” said Van, “he did it solely to meet his own means though. Not to mention he subjugated them all. And to top it off he just leaves which inevitably causes a power vacuum He’s a super-villain.”
“You ignorant primitive,” spat back the agent, indignantly, “he guided them! When they lost his guidance, they destroyed themselves. They needed him!”
“Question,” said Dallas, raising his hand, “isn’t it bad for a species to be unnaturally advanced?”
Van pointed his thumb at Dallas, nodding at the pouting Agent Sephtus. She couldn’t hide her acceptance that, on the surface, Dallas couldn’t have been more right.
“See,” said Van, “he’s a fucking super-villain.”
Agent Sephtus crossed her arms and adopted a stern expression. “If you can’t see the truth in his actions and the necessity of the Commander’s-“
“He enslaved an entire vulnerable, sentient race and irreparably changed their entire society and DNA. And he did this to get a lift home. Then he up and fucking abandoned them,” announced Van, “How can you possibly sit there, all high and mighty and try to tell me that- AARGH!”
Van convulsed with Agony. Agent Sephtus had given up trying to reason with Van’s inarguably justified belief that her mentor was actually a heartless architect of manipulation. She held the trigger of the EED, venting her frustration upon her charge.
“Now,” she said releasing the trigger, “are you finished with these spurious and childish comments?”
“Yes,” panted Van, still writhing on the floor, “just stop torturing my blood, PLEASE!”
Quiet fell over the room. Agent Sephtus stared down at Van, unsympathetically, like a mother scalding a child who has just broken their own toy.
“He is a super-villain though,” said Dallas.
Agent Sephtus was about to scald Dallas, when she was interrupted by D00D; “If you’re all quite finished arguing over nonsense, we are about to drop out of warp, in deep orbit above the Northern Pole of Planet POP!!!.”
“Thank you, computer,” said the Agent, standing up and straightening out her suit jacket. She turned to Van, who was being helped up off of the floor by Dallas, “You two, come with me. We need to go over the plan again.” The two men groaned and followed her.
Van had been a part of some hair-brained plans in his time, but he found this one; one of the most uncomfortable he had ever had the misfortune to be a part of. He and Agent Sephtus were stood in white spa-girl uniforms while Dallas, dressed only in tiny towel, stood before them. As uncomfortable as Van felt at this moment, he couldn’t help but appreciate the slimming effect the dress had on his hips.
All he had to do was wait for the target to sign in at the front desk, then Dallas and Agent Sephtus could take his biometric data and security credentials. Van went out to the front desk and took the place of the spa girl that was now tied up, unconscious in a cupboard in the office. He examined her work space. There was a computer screen with all of the patrons’ information in and a picture of an attractive man on a beach smiling at the camera. He knew he should look through the profiles to find the target, but the man in the picture had such enchanting eyes. Plus the picture frame was very ornate and somewhat distracting, he began to wonder what it was made out of, when a customer walked in.
It was a tall man with black hair that looked like he’d painted it on from a tin that morning. He didn’t even acknowledge Van and just scanned his thumb as he walked past. A profile came up on the desktop screen. What kind of name is Bill ‘fuckin’ Pickles? He thought. He momentarily forgot what he was doing, he and Dallas had gotten pretty ’buzzed’ before going on this mission. He remembered and started searching through the patron profiles until he found the target: Arnold Tunt. The database said he was already here?! How often can one guy visit a fuckin’ spa? Is he ever in work?! He panicked then ran into the office; “HE’S ALREADY HERE! He’s been here for quite a while so we need to act fast- probably.” Agent Sephtus nodded to Dallas and the two of them headed for the side door that led to the locker rooms. As they were leaving, she turned to Van;
“Keep an eye out, we shall need to leave swiftly”. Van nodded then resumed his post at the front desk.
During the next 20 or so minutes, two things occurred to Van. Firstly; that a lot of the people that visit spas are offensively ugly, and, secondly; that despite how good he looked in that uniform everyone that came through the front door were completely ignoring him. He wondered if there was anyone he could put in a complaint to, then remembered that he didn’t work there and felt a little foolish.
All of a sudden he felt his arm being grabbed from behind as he was being pushed towards the door. He turned his head to find it was Agent Sephtus with a half-naked Dallas running up behind her. They rushed through the doors and into the hangar where the Bessie sat with its cargo door open. The door closed behind them. “COMPUTER, GET US OUT OF HERE!” screamed Agent Sephtus as the oddly dressed trio barged their way into the cockpit. They strapped themselves in as D00D blasted off from the satellite and headed straight for the South Pole of the planet below. When they came to a halt, Agent Sephtus got up and walked towards Dallas, who had long-since given up on having the towel wrapped around him and was now just holding it over his crotch. She grabbed him by the throat.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” said Van trying to calm down the furious, blue-skinned Agent. She was shaking with pure, unbridled rage.
“Do you know what this MORON did!!!”
“Did he kill that fat Tunt?”
“He killed th-“ She released the now purple-faced Dallas and rounded on Van.
“YOU!” she said pointing an accusatory finger at Van, “You knew about this! You conspired with him to ruin this mission! I should trigger the EED right now and-“
“NO!” cried Van, putting his hands up defensively, “It’s just what he did the last time I ask him to distract someone! You told me not to argue with your plan, remember? So when you told us that Dallas would be providing the distraction, I kept my mouth shut. I was just following your rules, YOU CAN’T KILL ME FOR THAT!”
She thought for a second then lowered her hands. She cleared her throat and composed herself. “Luckily, we still obtained the security data we need, so we are moving, swiftly, to the next stage. Mr Morrison, please go and change into a formal suit and meet me in the cargo hold in 5 minutes. As for you,” she said to the panting Dallas, “walk out of an airlock for all I care. I am very disappointed in you!”
Van ran and quickly put on his least stained suit and headed down to the cargo bay. He didn’t know why, but he felt compelled to keep the white uniform. That was an identity crisis for another time though, as the look on Agent Sephtus’ face said she had a tonne of information to lay on him before he left the ship. She didn’t say a word though, she just grabbed his hand and slid a glove with fake fingerprints and blood packs in them, then slid the late Arnold Tunt’s ID badge into the breast pocket of his suit. Her hand lingered over the pocket, she looked up into his eyes.
“Transfer the files labelled: Ultimate Soda. Also, you will need this.”
She handed him a spherical object with a spike through it. Van stared at it; “Yukimi, is this a fucking eyeball?!”
“Yes,” she replied as if confused by such an obvious question, “As that idiot had already killed the body, I didn’t see the point in merely copying his retina when this was readily available. Is there a problem?”
“It’s a human eyeball, why do I even need it?”
The Agent let out a sigh of exasperation. “You have to get past the biometric scanners, they require; finger print, blood sample and retinal recognition.”
“At least you’re not sending me in with a hand too.”
“Don’t be absurd,” began Sephtus, “the scanners would know the flesh was dead. Now; are you ready for transport?”
Van nodded, but got the strangest feeling that the Agent was holding something back. “I’m going to transport you to a secluded spot, just around the corner from the server building. I would send you right in to the office but the security field is like nothing I’ve seen before. Avoid contact with other people and walk as if you are meant to be there-“
’Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know how to rob places,” interrupted Van, “Just one problem with your plan; the Bessie doesn’t have a transporter so-“ Once again, Van was treated to the blinding flash and uncomfortable feeling of being transported.
He must have been building a tolerance to the process, because he stayed on his feet this time. After vomiting a few times, he left his secluded landing zone and ventured onward to his clandestine destination. The Agent wasn’t kidding, he had landed only a stone’s throw from the server building’s entrance. But it was midday in this region and the streets were filled with the hustle and bustle of POP employees, heading back from their lunch breaks.
He walked with the pace of the other pedestrians, so as to draw as little attention as possible. This wasn’t going exactly as planned however, as he was the only person in sight who was wearing a suit. Everyone else was dressed in jumpsuits and caps sporting the company logo. Alan Tunt’s office appeared to reside in one of the industrial districts, rather than a research district, where one would expect to find it. A few of the passers-by gave him a friendly nod, mistaking him for one of the executives or managers. He spotted the building that Yukimi had described in her extensive plan and crossed the street towards it.
He pushed open the big, heavy double-doors and prepared himself to blend in with another crowd. But there was no crowd, there was nobody in fact.
The room was empty and featureless; grey stone walls and a single, steel door were the only things inside. That, and an inordinately large number of security cameras littering the ceiling. No way to avoid it, when Arnold Tunt’s body was found, he would be number one on POP’s ’shit-list’. No wonder he was going in alone, the Skolareans didn’t want this coming back to them. No turning back now, he might as well get it over with, Mondo and ‘POP!!!’ could fight over who got to, slowly, torture him to death. Hopefully they’d kill each other in the process and he could change his name and work as a farmer in some back-water sector of the Universe.
He steeled his thoughts and scanned Tunt’s security pass at the side of the door. A panel below slid open, revealing a hand scanner. He raised his gloved hand and pressed it to the pad. A green light shone on the pad and a retinal scanner slid out from the wall above it. Van reached in to his pocket and retrieved Alan Tunt’s eye. He brushed away the pocket lint, which clung to it, and held it up to the lens. There was a high-pitched beep and the steel door slid open.
He stepped through it and found himself in a very luxurious elevator car. Mozart was playing over the PA and a chaise long sat idly to one corner of the ostentatiously decorated space. Van took a seat and felt the elevator begin to descend.
After what felt like an hour, the car came to a stop and the doors glided open. Van exited the mobile lounge and found himself in a large room filled with various screens that were all showing peoples’ feet. He walked to the centre of the room, where a holographic control panel was set up. He scanned the room and saw that there were no security cameras in this room. He reached out and tried to interact with the controls, only the gloved hand seemed to be able to manipulate the interactive, glowing display. He searched for the file that Agent Sephtus had instructed him to access. He clicked on it and found that it was password encrypted. Whatever they were trying to hide must have been important, passwords hadn’t been commonplace for centuries. He brought up the file options and found that he could still copy the file, even if he couldn’t read it. He retrieved the data transfer drive from his pocket and set it down on the control table.
The system integrated it and the transfer started automatically. When it had finished uploading, all Hell broke loose. The holographic display switched off and the elevator door slammed shut. A claxon began to blare and all the images of feet were replaced by a flashing, red sign that said ‘unauthorised transfer’. He was screwed. Van had hoped to at least be able to run before he was caught and killed. He felt like he had when he was about to be disintegrated on Thosisa. Then that flash again.
He was sat in his chair in the Bessie Fontaine’s cockpit with a shocked looking Agent Sephtus and a now dressed Dallas. A loud explosion rocked the ship.
“D00D, get us clear of this fuckin’ nebula NOW!” The computer followed its owner’s command and the ship jumped to warp. Once it felt safe to exhale again Van turned to Agent Sephtus, “You, cargo bay, now!”
He got up from his seat and stormed off. Agent Sephtus walked briskly behind him, Van closed the door to the cargo bay behind them.
“What the absolute FUCK, was that?” he barked.
Van no longer cared that the Agent could blow him to pieces with the flick of a switch, he would take her with him if she tried, so great was his anger at this moment. “You wanted me to get caught! You manipulative, blue CUNT! I should open the airlock and watch you fucking burst!”
“Organic matter doesn’t actually burst-“
“SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! You led me to the fucking SLAUGHTER! You think I want to hear ‘fun-facts’ about anatomy in a vacuum? The only thing I want to hear from your lying, conniving mouth is an explanation. And you better hope it’s a good one.”
She could see the fury in his eyes and knew it was time to be open, though only enough to calm him. She had read about how irrational the ‘angry primitive’ could be. “I had no idea that we would be detected, I only followed the Commander’s orders. He never said anything about abandoning you. I give you my word.”
“She tried to make me depart when you were detected,” said D00D’s voice over the PA.
“And you!” spat Van, “Since when has the Bessie had a transporter? That could have saved me sooooo many times. Care to answer that you formless twat?!”
“I was unaware the Bessie was equipped with it. When you installed me, you only allowed me access to the functions that you knew about. It wasn’t until Yukimi was searching through the ship’s systems that I was alerted to their presence. Luckily that did allow me to save you just now. I found that the transporter was in fact capable of a lot more than we first calculated.”
“We? Yukimi? We? Did I miss the flourishing robo-sexual relationship that has grown between you two?” Van felt betrayed. It showed. “She’s barely shared two fucking words with me and Dallas, that wasn’t related to this inevitable betrayal and you’ve been conspiring with this bitch?!”
“I found it more efficient to converse with the computer because it showed an interest in the mission. I don’t do ’small-talk’ it serves no purpose,” explained the Agent. Van threw his hands up and began marching about the room angrily. He eventually came to a stop in his original spot and breathed out deeply.
“D00D, can the transporter send back your little friend Yukimi from here, or do we have to get her within throwing distance?”
Before he could answer, the Agent spoke up, “the mission isn’t over yet.”
“What?!” asked Van, stunned that she would dare to defy him at this point. He glared at her, but she wasn’t budging.
“The data is incomplete, I decrypted it when the transfer completed and read through it. Parts have been redacted, important parts. We obviously can’t go back there, but I know where we can get the missing information from.”
“Oh, great!” said Van, sarcastically, “now that every camera in that fucking building has my face ingrained into it, I’m sure it’ll be a breeze to walk around in public.”
“It won’t be a problem. The information can be found on a small planet near the Veezahn home world. It’s inhabited by a race of creatures that don’t partake in interplanetary trade, they don’t even import media. You can walk around freely and not have to worry.”
“Fantastic, maybe I’ll look for a house while I’m there as I’ll probably have to live there from now on. I swear I’m gonna kill your boss the first chance I get.”
Van stormed off and left Sephtus alone in the Cargo bay. He went to his quarters and collapsed backwards on his bed. He removed his suit and cast it to the floor. He expected the Skolareans to betray him at some point, but he felt most betrayed by D00D. He had always looked after Van, they had a shared history and a shared secret that Van thought gave them a sense of mutual loyalty. This, it now appeared, didn’t extend to refraining from fraternising with the enemy. What should I do? Before he could think on this problem, there was a knock at his door.
Van got up, threw on a robe and went to the door. He opened it and was greeted by Dallas’ sympathetic gaze.
“Alright mate,” he said, “Heard the shouting and thought I’d bring you somethin’ to help you chill.” He opened his hand to reveal a long, thin joint in his palm. Van smiled at him.
“Come on in,” he said, letting a small smile creep across his lips, “I don’t want to be around them two right now and I’ve got a decent view screen in here.”
The two men watched a few episodes of a gameshow called ’truth or death’ (It was exactly what you’d expect). They smoked away Van’s troubles and he felt himself return to a relaxed state. With each breath he exhaled his rage, allowing the stupefying effects of the herb to lift the weight from his chest. Just as he was beginning to forget what had gotten him so worked up all together, another knock came from the door. Van muted the view screen and went to the door. Agent Sephtus was stood there with her arms folded.
“The computer says I need your permission to input the new course.”
“Fine,” said Van snidely, “do whatever you want, Captain.” He gave a sarcastic solute and reached for the door mechanism. Agent Sephtus blocked his hand.
“Listen,” she said. “I can see that you are upset that your computer conversed with me, but I’m pretty sure he only did so to assess whether or not I was a security risk. I did try to leave when you were detected, but it locked me out of the controls. It really seems loyal to you.”
“Thank you” offered Van, reluctantly, “you better not have any more of your little surprises for me though, you got that?”
“I assure you, Mr Morrison, I do not. I thought the mission would be over by now. To be perfectly candid with you; this is my first solo mission. I feel like I have let down my office, so I need to make up for my negligent performance thus far. As such, I will do all I can to keep you alive, as a form of compensation.”
She took a formal stance, lowering her arms to her sides and awaited Van’s response.
“Alright,” said Van following a long pause, “Just get us to this planet or whatever, I’m gonna continue to get baked. And, please, my computer has a name, it’s D00D and I prefer ‘Van’ to ‘Mr Morrison’, ok?”
“As you wish Van, I will tell D00D the new coordinates. The travel time is roughly 2 weeks, I will leave you to your R&R until we arrive, if you so wish. And if you want, you can call me ‘Yukimi’ from now on.”
Van smiled, “thanks, Yukimi, I’ll see you soon. I quite enjoy speaking with you.” She gave him a nod and walked off down the hall. Van closed the door and turned back to Dallas with a devious smile etched into his face, “I’m so gonna fuck her before this is all through, just you watch...”