A Savage Life

I wake up in a completely different environment. I was not surrounded by snow and ice, but a glass wall. Below me, I had water all around me in this metallic looking bowl, and that’s when I noticed this huge block of semi-liquefied ice I was standing in. It had melted enough I could peel my confused body out of it and could look around-which I did- noticing immediately beyond the glass wall was a silvery metallic wall and below my feet stood beige carpet after I escaped from the bowl. I didn’t see any doors around, and I guessed that I’d have to imitate a spider to get out, not that I would be any more successful than a bored fourth grader at a playground trying the same stunt.

But whatever had happened, wherever I was, I needed answers and I had to learn how to leave here, and keeping true to my earlier inspections, I doubted banging on the walls and screaming like a loosed manic would get me help anytime soon. If anything, it might get me confused for a rabid dog and put down like one. I doubt whoever it was that was keeping me here, would have mercy on disruptive zoo animals.

Then I noticed the room was cold, and I was cold. I grabbed my body for warmth, searching around for my jacket’s zipper and found nothing but my own skin. Looking down, drum roll please, I discovered that I was in the nude. Immediate Decency Reaction sets in, and I was clutching myself for the sake of my remaining dignity and to bar the eyes of women and children from beholding my glory. I doubted I’d become the next model of a well-known magazine with my semi-pudgy frame and exuberant chest hair, and the fact that I had a grungy looking beard and oily brown hair, nonetheless an exhibition model for an art class, but still, can’t one be an advocate of modesty.

What had happened to my clothes? Maybe NASA took them for inspection, I don’t know. For all I know, I could’ve been abducted by aliens, I’ve been surrounded by them all my life.

There was that girl who loved to torture her animals for some reason. She ate bugs and spoke in an absolute crazed way. Thank goodness the mental ward took her in before slashing someone’s tires became a tragedy. Then there was Billy from high school, too bad suicide doors got to him first. Then there was my wife. Nerdy, gross nasal congestion, earwax from her ears, lice, had fleas. I was the only one who would befriend her. The others didn’t understand that she came from abusive drug addict parents who lived in the dumpster, had like 20 kids, and never bought a bar of soap for their daughter. I got ahold of her and gave her back her confidence.

Her family, for some weird reason, reminded me of my own. I don’t know why, I guess it was because, just like Lana, my parents were there, but then again, they weren’t actively there. So it was just me and my brother Joe until smallpox got him, and then I was alone. I would do anything to have him back, just like how Lana’s siblings cared for Joseph, the youngest brother who was sickly and walked on makeshift crutches, who died later, and left Lana in tears and all but alone at school.

I stood around waiting long enough, so I let my primal instincts take over and started banging on one of the walls like an enraged chimpanzee. As if by answer, this tall African American came in wearing a silver bodysuit and holding a clipboard and no pen through THE WALL! THE WALL! The wall beside me just slid open, and there he was! Grinning from ear to ear so much I thought his mouth was going to twitch. It didn’t, but I wondered what would happen if I slapped him while he was smiling, but instead I lurched back and crawled away, something I’m not normally known to do, and watched him with wide, frightful eyes. Maybe because of, cough, cough, that smile he bore, cough, cough. He walked closer to me, greeting me, still smiling, much to my chagrin; but then, my survival instincts kicked in, and for some reason, I thought he was going to beat me with the clipboard so I held up my hands and huddled away from him like a wild animal. A wild animal without a shred of dignity left.

“Neanderthal,” the man spoke kindly. Too kindly. “I am Darrel, and I will be your guide. You have been asleep for a while, Neanderthal.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. I sounded more like a teenage boy during puberty. It’s clear that I’ve been out for longer than I thought.

“You are Subject 2 8 6, you are Josh Asbury, a native to Alaska and you have existed in 1986. Welcome Neanderthal to the thirtieth century. I am Darrel and I will be glad to escort you toward the Apparel Approvers.” So much for answering my question sanely.

“You already said your name was Darrel.” I noted toward him. I sincerely think he was deliberately forgetting the part about the thirtieth century and how I am in it. All the more reason to knock his teeth out if he steps any closer.

“My name is Darrel,” he repeated again. “And I will escort you to the Cleansing Laboratory for washing and then to the Apparel Approvers for dressing.” I hated how he kept that constant grin as he began to grate on my nerves. I’d like to slug him a good one, but I have no idea what he’s capable of. Yet. “Subject 2 8 6 is disrespondant and repeats phrases.” Darrel noted in his little clipbook using only his words.

“I do not!” I spatted back on an impulse.

Where were my manners? I was beginning to sound exactly like the animal they mistake me for. Like I deserved a whippin’. I hope they realize that I just want to go home and play with my children and be with Lana. Really, I’m nothing special. I have no money, no titles, no inheritance, no land, and nothing they would be interested in. Unless there were some other more diabolical reasons....

“Subject 2 8 6 has assaulted me with verbal unreasoning.” Darrel said to the clipboard.

Darrel was pushing it for real. If I had ASSAULTED him, he’d darn well know for sure that I had ASSAULTED him. And believe me, I wanted to do more than just VERBALLY ASSAULT him too, but I kept that thought holstered in, and my body unmoving as Darrel smiled at me some more and suggested, “Now if you will accompany me, I will take you to the Cleansing Laboratory, and to my aide, Anastasia, who is with the Apparel Approvers. She will help ensure that you find your surroundings more comfortable, and find decent apparel to cover you primitive indecency. In this timeline, public indecency is not tolerated here and by law, we would have to put you down, Neanderthal.”

He spoke to me like I was stupid, and if he did his research, in ol’ primitive, backwoods ’86, public indecency wasn’t tolerated much either. Being naked in public in ’86 would probably ensure you being claimed as a drunk and tackled by the police, and if I heard my annoying guide I’d like to choke the smile off of, I do believe he said that they’d shoot me for displaying myself. Gee, I wonder if I dropped my spoon will they send in the S.W.A.T. Team and the Bomb Squad? Or maybe I sneezed and would be shot on sight for being a “contamination?” I outta just be naked and to heck with it all! But I also like living also...

Darrel signed more onto his clipboard with his words and opened up the nonexistent door, still shocking me to my core. I wonder how many doors I didn’t see, and how many windows are around for me to be observed behaving more worse than a zoo animal. My “guide” saw me looking on in disbelief, and widening his grin, asked, “Coming Neanderthal? I am sure you’ll want better accommodations, no?” I said nothing and followed him.