A PALE HORSE

The sun painted the front of the Royal as he turned the corner, and Sam knew that he was late. He hated when he was late for things! Sam was supposed to be at Dr. Jo’s office at ten AM and it was now half past ten. He walked through the double doors to the building and was able to find her office with no problem. He walked through the door and up to the counter. The small woman behind it looked up and smiled broadly.

“You must be Sam!” she said with a big smile. “Dr. Jo was expecting you a while ago but made me reschedule appointments because she figured it might be a little later than when you intended.” Sam looked down at his watch in annoyance and then back up at the receptionist.

“Yeah, there was a problem at the airport when we landed that needed some planning. Sorry to be such a pain, but I really appreciate you helping me out like this.”

“It’s no problem, just a little reshuffling,” she said. “Dr. Jo is expecting you. She told me to let you in as soon as you arrived.”

The little woman moved fast and was holding the door open to another room before Sam could ask, “Isn’t there some paperwork that needs to be filled out?”

“Yes, there is, but Dr. Jo is anxious to get started. She said you could fill them out on your way out this afternoon.” She smiled at him and ushered him forward with her free hand. Sam carefully stepped around the petite woman and entered a large office. Despite it’s space, the office was warm and inviting. It looked as though Dr. Jo had tried successfully to make the office seem more like a living room. She had a fireplace, and on one side placed a large comfortable looking couch. On the other, two wingback chairs with a small table placed in between. Against the wall was a bank of cabinets and a counter with a coffee urn and tea service. Off in one corner, Sam spotted a full bar. Sam smiled appreciatively. He figured that she probably was prepared for anything her clients could want. Under the counter he spied a small refrigerator, which probably held soft drinks or lemonade. There were two other doors in the room, the open door lead to the bathroom. Sam could just see the corner of the sink. The other door was closed, and Sam figured that this door must lead to Dr. Jo’s inner office. His suspicions were proven correct when the little woman walked around him to the closed door and knocked. “Dr. Jo?” she called. “Sam is here to see you.” With that announcement, she turned and walked back to the front of the room, through the door and left with a wave. Sam decided that he shouldn’t stand in the middle of the room, and walked over to the big plush sofa and sank into its depths. He rested his head against the back of the sofa and closed his eyes, inhaling deeply to calm his spirit. Sam couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this tired or defeated. Unbidden, an image popped into his head. It was a young boy with electric blue eyes, smiling up at him. Sam knew that the boy was important to him somehow, but he couldn’t remember who he was or how he was important. With a frustrated growl, Sam sprung to his feet and spun towards the door.

“Good. Now I know you’re not asleep, we can get started.” A sharply dressed woman stood in the doorway to the inner office and smiled broadly at Sam. “I have had people fall asleep on me, but usually it’s after we start the session, never before.”

Sam smiled sheepishly and said, “I really wasn’t asleep. I had a vision, or... more of a flashback, I think. I really am not sure what it was but the boy I saw, I think I know him, somehow,” Sam said excitedly.

“How far back can you remember?” she asked him.

“Thirty years, maybe? It feels like a lot more time has passed but I can’t remember it, you know what I mean? Maybe you don’t... you can’t be older than I am.” He ran his hands through his hair again, his frustration building. She raised an eyebrow.

“I can’t? It may interest you to know that we are the same age.”

“How do you know that? You don’t have any of my information yet,” he looked at her suspiciously.

“The internet is a wonderful thing, Sam,” she said without hesitation. He relaxed and sat back down on the sofa.

“So, what do we do now? You said that there was some sort of therapy that you could do. How does that work?” he asked her.

“Well, I do have techniques and treatments that I can use on you that should bring latent memories to the surface and into the conscious part of the brain. The only thing that you need to do is lie back on that sofa and close your eyes.” she told him. “Do you want to try?” Jophiel said a silent, fervent prayer for her friend and for guidance. Never a more important session, she thought. I must be perfect.

“Lie back on the sofa,” he said lying down and getting comfortable, “and close my eyes.” He closed his eyes and waited.

“Now, I want you to take a deep breath... in through your nose and release it through your mouth,” she told Sam. He obliged, and she said, “Now, do that slower. Breathe deep, hold, and release.” She let Sam do that a few more times before continuing. “How, do you feel now, Sam? Are you relaxed?” she asked.

“Mmm hmm.”, came his drowsy reply.

“Good. Without opening your eyes, I want you to listen to my voice. I want you to focus on relaxing your body. Starting with your toes, I want you to relax all the muscles in your feet, and then move on to your legs. Feel the muscles loosen and your tension ebb away. Keep breathing in and out as instructed before, but focus on relaxing your body. You should be working your way up into your chest and down through your arms. Your limbs should be heavier, it should be hard to move them.” Sam was so relaxed now that he thought he could fall asleep. He couldn’t remember the last time he had actually slept, though. He knew that it wasn’t natural, and he didn’t share that fact with people. He usually pretended to sleep while just closing his eyes and listening. It was how he found out a lot of the information he had used against Lev. He suspected that Abe might know, considering how many flights they had shared over the years, but he had never broached the subject, and Sam certainly wasn’t going to bring it up. Sam was now finding it hard to focus on anything and just let his mind wander while listening to the doctor’s melodic voice. “Okay, Sam...I think it is time to travel a little. I want you to think of your plane, picture yourself in the cockpit. You are surrounded by all the switches and buttons on the control panel. You are going to set your coordinates to the furthest memory in your mind. Do you have that memory locked in?” she asked him.

“Yes.”

“Good, Sam. Now... I want you to take me to that memory. Tell me what is going on.” she told him.

“I’m in Hawaii. Island-hopping in a charter Cessna 172,” he told her.

“Do you know what year it is?” she asked him.

Without hesitating he answered, “1988.”

“Good, Sam! Can you think of anything further back?” she asked, still using the same sing-song tone. Sam thought for a moment, but it was like the memories were blocked from him. He kept hitting the same memory, over and over again, like hitting a wall. He told Dr. Jo what he was experiencing. He started to move but she placed a hand on his shoulder and held him in place. “No, Sam,” she said soothingly. “We are making progress. It may not seem like it, but you can break through that wall. Take a deep breath. Good. Now, let it out. I want you to get back into your plane, your current plane. This time, you are approaching a storm. The memory wall is now a wall of rain and wind, the storm, that you have to fly through. You have to make adjustments to your plane to travel through this rain. Are you ready to punch through, Sam?” she asked him encouragingly. Sam took another series of breaths and mentally prepared his plane to punch through the wall of rain that was before him. He flipped switches and punched buttons, all the while breathing the way he was taught.

When he felt he was ready he said, “I’m ready when you are.”

“Take us in, captain!” Sam took another calming breath and gave his mental plane the punch it would take to fly through the rain wall. His mind shot forward like an arrow and pierced the wall, and just like that, he was through! So many images flooded his mind all at one time. The Sixties, Thirties, Twenties… further. I’m a soldier? World Wars… the American Civil War… the war for independence. He kept traveling back through time. He saw himself in the employ of Elizabeth I, Charlemagne, and Xerxes. Back further still he went. Ramses II of Egypt. He followed the people of Israel and yet he kept going. A world covered with water and one lone boat bobbing along, no shore in sight. This picture brought a sadness with it that he didn’t fully understand. The scene changed yet again. I’m standing with a woman and a young boy. The boy was laughing and looked up at Sam. Sam gasped and he could feel a tear sliding down his face. He knew who the boy was. Those piercingly blue eyes shining up at him with love. The boy belonged to him and the woman, his wife. She, too, looked at him with love and longing.

Another scene came to him. A lone warrior stood in golden armor looking down on the corpse of the woman he knew was his wife. Michael, my leader and brother… what did he do? She had been slain and her body crumpled on the ground at the warrior’s feet. He remembered giving a great cry and running at Michael, sword drawn, ready to kill or die. He remembered the anger and the guilt that came flooding to him, but the rage at seeing his wife slaughtered was all-encompassing. The warrior parried the sword that Sam had swung at him with a mighty weapon of his own. The two swords clanged, and Sam was sure that the sound could be heard at a great distance. The warrior looked at Sam with a mixture of sadness and maybe a little pity.

“I’m sorry, brother” came the warrior’s strong tenor voice. “This was never meant to be.”

“You killed her!” Sam shouted in response. “You murdered her!!”

“The Master forbade it, and yet you defied him and created something that has no place in this world!” Sam could tell that the warrior was sad, but he did not know why he was sad. He swung his great sword again and the warrior deflected it easily. “She was mine and I loved her! Isn’t this what the Master wanted!? The humans to flourish and populate the Earth?” Sam said, with another swing in the warrior’s direction.

“No Sam, think!” he said with another parry. “The Master sent you to protect what is his. Protect! Not seduce! You took something that was pure and defiled it!” The warrior was now angry and his blows forced Sam back.

“I defiled nothing!” Sam shouted back, “We were here first! Do we not deserve happiness as well as the humans?” He thrust his sword forward, making the warrior jump back and parry.

With a sneer the warrior yelled, “You are speaking like him. Do you now worship the ground he walks on like the others? You are better than that! Why would you let some imposter sway you? What did he promise you that made you turn against your brothers, against your Creator?” The warrior had locked swords with Sam and looked him in the eye as he asked these last questions. His face showed his curiosity and longing to understand Sam’s motives.

“HE denies us this, Michael! I did this for happiness! To experience love and understanding denied to us by HIM! Is that so wrong?” Sam was weary down to his soul. “I wanted more than death and destruction, I wanted life. And yet…” He turned and looked at the small woman crumpled on the ground. He let out a keening sound and knelt on the ground beside her. “Yet, all I ever get is death!” He raised his fist towards the sky and shouted, “I will never forgive You for this!” He turned with a steely look in Michael’s direction, “Nor you.” It was said to wound, with a finality that he could tell hurt Michael to the core. “Do what you must, but be quick.” Sam turned back around and bent to smooth the hair away, confessing to his beloved’s lifeless visage, “You are innocent in all of this. I am so sorry.” He heard Michael move up behind him, heard him whisper, and then felt the blow against the back of his head. He knew nothing until he woke up later outside a village. As he staggered into the village a farmer took notice and offered him shelter and a meal. This, Sam knew, was the start of many years’ worth of memories. They all flooded back into him, the many lives he spent with many different people. The final memories of those places and people were always followed by one person, Michael. He would always come after a number of years and Sam would wake up somewhere else in a different time, with no memory of his previous life. He would be able to do things that he had no memory of learning. He did realize three things, though- Dr. Jo was not who she seemed, he had a score to settle with Michael, and his son’s body was not with his wife’s that night. He didn’t know what happened to the boy… but he was going to find out!