13/13/13

“No.” Interrupted Ptolemy flatly.

The Seraphim looked at him confused. “Sir, I haven’t even said any-

“Nope, I refuse to rescue the North Korea Templars. Those Madmen brought this nightmare upon themselves...give the report to Joe. I don’t care.” With that, he stormed off to give his latest findings to Alax.

“Uh, Echelon Aesop also sent a message of a potential-

“Give it to me when I get back!” Shouted Ptolemy as he, and everyone else, ran from the room. Just being near someone even talking about the North Korean District made them feel... dirty(‘Noodle incident’ in North Korea...need I say more?).

Tyrone groaned as he finally woke up and pried himself out of the crater he’d made in the ground.

As he slowly dragged himself across the street, he was starting to realize that, while his ‘power’ kept him from getting injured, the blows to his body still made him queasy and exhausted. It was taking all of his strength not to fall unconscious, so of course, he almost immediately does.

...Several hours later...

Tyrone again wakes up. As his weary eyes re-adjust, the first thing he sees is a traffic sign bent over him and scrawled with bloody words.

Well Tyrone, time for your choice...

You can wait here for someone to pick you up on the Blue Bus and take you home,

Or you can press the Red Button on the side of the sign and you’ll be immediately teleported back to my tutorial and back to Red-

beep!

That was all Tyrone needed to read, he pressed the button and vanished in a flash of light.

For a while, all was quiet on the street once more until the monocled man popped out of nowhere and shook his head.

“Young people these days, always in a rush. Which is too bad, considering he really should have read that last part.

Red sobbed and sobbed. She no longer cared about escaping. Let the building collapse on her! It was the least she deserved for murdering her friend! ...her thoughts not mine.

It was at that moment she noticed a miniature Kore statue nearby, smiling at her. Red glared. How dare this stupid thing smile when her friend was dead! Thinks the grief-stricken girl angrily.

She screamed out enraged as she grabbed it and threw it-

CRACK!

Right into the testicals of the newly materialized Tyrone.

“Why me?” Whimpered Tyrone in tears as he passed out from the pain.

Ptolemy looked at Aesop’s wrist-holo-computer concerned. “You’re right, that is odd.”

Suddenly a Seraphim burst into the room. “SIR! The Mexican Templars! They’ve made their entire district commit mass-suicide! Them as well! And they’ve all turned into ghosts, ghouls, wraiths, zombies, or lich’s(Wraiths; once alive, they were turned into intangible undead due to ‘strange/extreme/unique/etc.’ circumstances involving their death. Ghosts; intangible undead who were born from other ghosts or wraiths. Zombies; once alive they were turned into reanimated corpses due to ‘strange/extreme/unique/etc.’ circumstances involving their death. Ghouls; reanimated corpses who were born from other Ghouls or Zombies. Lich; Zombies or wraiths who were necromancers in life. Before you go finding yourself a hangman’s noose, you should know that there are consequences to being undead. Since, technically, you don’t belong to the land of the living, it will constantly try to kick you out, unless you’re bound to a magic userand/or item, stay inside your ‘haunting spot’ -i.e. the place you died originally- forever, or just move to a place, like Mexico, where the yearly worship of the dead- as well as the ancient Aztec, and later the Templars, constant necro-nautical experimentation- has created an ideal country where the dead can gather and relax)! Also, the Arch-Echelons are going ballistic! They’re trying to use this as an excuse to shut down your recent progressive reforms!” He panted out of breath.

Ptolemy snarled. He turned to his long-time friend. “Aesop, I need to do damage control. You’ll have to look into this on your own.”

Aesop simply nodded as Ptolemy ran from the room, he then turned back to a holographic map of the UK...

Tyrone groaned as he woke up, as he heard a familiar voice cry out in pain. Tyrone realized he was being held close to Reds chest.

Now ordinarily being so close to Red’s bare chest would probably make Tyrone pass out again, but he wasn’t focusing on that, no, he was focusing on Red’s pained expression and her blood!

Apparently after Red had gotten over the amazement, and guilt of hitting him in the crotch. of Tyrone being alive. She quickly grabbed him up, threw the kore statue away and carried him.

There was no way to climb all the way down, but there was a ledge that let her climb down to an open window on the next floor down, only to then step on a shard of glass.

Not caring about anything else, Tyrone helped pull it out. And tore off a nearby curtain to use as a bandage.

Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come. That glass shard was just one in thousands that were scattered across the floor.

And although they weren’t really afraid of the building collapsing anymore- the place wasn’t even shaking periodically anymore- they still wanted to get out fast.

Because well, would you want to stay in a booby-trapped dilapidated building with a gore-obsessed madman lurking about? I thought not.

But Tyrone’s quick thinking saved the day, he’d spread out on the floor and Red would simply sit on him and he’d simply drag his invulnerable body across the glass.

Despite the situation, Red couldn’t help but take one look at his body as he spread out on the floor and think, ”Dang, he gives new meaning to the word ‘flaccid’!”

Thought Red with a giggle as she sat upon a melancholy Tyrone’s back.

Bit by bit, Tyrone dragged himself across the floor. As he did so, he thought about all he’d been through today. Nearly killed by a monster, used to smash through robots, thrown from a fifty foot building, head shoved into a toilet...

“Frack it, now or never-

“Red, I love-” And that’s when a bug flew into his mouth. Tyrone coughed and gagged. Then he dislodged it. ”Seriously? Are we really doing the ‘interrupted declaration of love’ bit? Well, nuts to that! I’m telling her one way or another! Thought Tyrone as he tried once more-

“Red, I love- And that’s when a glass shard is flicked by his still moving hand right into his mouth. Tyrone once more coughs and gags.

“I am not putting this off! He thinks determined.

“Red, I love-

KA-KA!

Shouts a giant moose man as he jumped from the shadows and threw a carrot into his mouth, before exploding into a flock of birds.

“OH, COME ON! THAT DIDN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE!” Shouted Tyrone between gags.

“Tyrone! It’s okay, I know.” Admits Red.

The room became deathly quiet, Tyrone flustered as his heart raced so fast that Red felt it and briefly worried that it would break through his back and kick her butt.

Hey, wouldn’t be the weirdest thing to happen today, right?

“What?” Asked Tyrone suddenly.

Red rubbed her arm awkwardly. “Yeah, I’ve kinda known all along.” ”Also your parents, and everyone else you know. You’re REALLY bad at keeping your feelings secret, man.” Thought a depressed Red as Tyrone deflated.

Tyrone sighed. “I... I gotta know. Did I ever have a shot with you? Did I ever have a chance?” He asked in a resigned voice as he expected the worst, like he always did.

Red said nothing, then sighed. “Tyrone, a monster tried to cut off my ‘twins’ and feed them to you, we landed in a manure truck, I’ve been shot at, attacked by robots, and am now sitting naked on my equally naked friend as he drags himself across glass shards in a building that could collapse on us at any time, supposing that monocled freak doesn’t gut us first.”

Red just shook her head. “I know it’s selfish, but I just... I just don’t want to think about it now, okay? On top of everything else, I don’t want to ruin our friendship by butchering such an important talk that I just can’t give you right now. I’m sorry.” She admitted ashamed.

Tyrone just looked at her blankly, then nodded. He continued dragging his belly across the floor. Neither said anything else, but Tyrone did have a small smile emerging.

“She didn’t say no, it’s a maybe! That’s better than I hoped! YEAH! Oh, wow... did I seriously just celebrate that? Yeesh, either that fall damaged my brain, or I’m a bigger dork than I thought.”

Thought a conflicted Tyrone to himself, the second option won out of course.

“Ladies and gentlemen. The high council has finally granted the Aztec Templars and Roman Templars permission to settle their territorial dispute over the colony of Roanoke(What in reality has become a rather obsolete conflict -what with Roanoke’s strategic value having been lost to the march of progress- has ‘unofficially’ now become an epic controversy that now eclipses the Chiefs–Raiders rivalry.)!”

Shouted the announcer to the spectators. “In accordance with the Templar peace accord of 1918, the only option that both parties haven’t refused, is contest by gladiatorial combat! Let the games begin!”

The underground coliseum lit up, and the champions of both parties entered the arena.

Nos pauci moriuntur ita multos vivere!

Shout the Gladiators with a salute to the ecstatic crowd.

Ptolemy sighed. ”Creator help me. I know that this is all just a ruse to keep the people calm during these trying times, but dang it, if I’m not excited that my Aztec home boys will finally prove their dominance!” Thought Ptolemy to himself as he tried to keep a stoic face.

Which was just as well, as he got an emergency call from Aesop at that moment.

Finally, they were past the shards and down to the next floor. The two quickly got up to face the next challenge. The doorway was blocked by a large wooden beam that had fallen over it.

Tyrone grabbed it and lifted with all his might, which really wasn’t much. Red watched as every ‘muscle’- and we use that term loosely- on her scrawny friend flexed to move the beam. Red didn’t think it possible to look this pathetic. It would be sad, IF IT WEREN’T SO HILARIOUS!

“Yeesh, he really needs to work out more, or get out in the sun more, or eat more- or something!” Red can’t help but think as she practically bit through her tongue to keep from laughing.

For some reason Tyrone seemed to get a second win, which immediately crashed and burned. He collapsed, exhausted.

Not knowing what else to do. Red walked over and lifted up the beam without any real effort. The look Tyrone had was akin to that of a kicked puppy.

“Uh, thanks for... loosening it for me?” Offered Red desperately.

“Don’t patronize me.” Said Tyrone despondently as he trudged through the doorway.

Hall of Humility

A robot came nearby and handed Red a mystic medical kit. “He’ll need this.” It buzzed as it then disintegrated itself.

“Oh, I already don’t like where this is going...” Said Tyrone outloud.

CLANK!

Several mechanical arms burst from the walls and grabbed Tyrone’s limbs and spread him out like a jumping jack in mid-air.

“Called it.” Said Tyrone with a resigned sigh.

CLACK!

More doors opened up, revealing many robots, who slowly began to come back online.

Red quickly tried to tear Tyrone from the arms grip, but he wouldn’t budge.

“What? What is this? What are we-

KRACK!

Something hit Red in the back of her head. She growled as she looked down at the offending object- IT WAS THAT STINKING KORE STATUE AGAIN!

An enraged Red was about to throw it again, when she noticed writing on the back of it. She read the writing, then flustered.

Tyrone sighs. “Let me guess: It’s instructions on what to do next... and I won’t like them?” He asks in a resigned, almost bored way.

Red could only nod and look at the robots that were coming to kill them.

Tyrone just shook his head. “Okay, just get it over with- whatever it is, make it quick. Like ripping off a band-

CRACK!

Went Reds foot against Tyrone’s groin-

GAH!

Screamed Tyrone in pain-

ZAP!

Went a weird energy wave that flew from Tyrone-

BOOM!

Went every robot in the room as the wave hit...

Tyrone, tears burning his eyes, looked over at Red in hurtful confusion. An embarrassed and apologetic Red showed him the Kore message(It depicted the tail of Tyrone’s ancestor, Alexander The Great, accidentally spying on the Level 10, physically bound Deity, Artemis, bathing. Alexander quickly used a special Minoan Fetish charm on himself, before attempting to stealthily get away. Naturally, he got caught and was cursed. Artimis decreed that any girl could kick him in the balls whenever they wanted, regardless of the circumstances. At which point, the charm went to work, now the curse was too powerful to dissipate. But knowing this in advance, Alexander had instead ordered the charm to twist the curse to his advantage. So yes the curse allows any girl to hit him or his descendants in the groin, regardless of circumstances- even if he later became invincible- but doing so, caused all foes in the immediate proximity of the person kicked, to be destroyed, and leave all allies unmolested... Still hurts like the dickens though...).

Tyrone sighs. “Blessed with suck, indeed.” He can’t help but muse out loud, just as the robot arms dropped him on the floor.

Tyrone groaned as he lifted himself up, and groaned once more as he sees yet another bloody message.

TIME TO TEST THE LIMITS OF TYRONE’S INVULNRABILITY!

IT SUCKS! YOU’LL LOVE IT!

Tyrone looks over at Red. “Red... would you judge me if a broke down in hysterical sobs right now?”

Red gives her friend a sympathetic pat on the back. “Honestly, I’d judge you if you DIDN’T.”

Tyrone cracks a bitter-sweet smile. “Appreciate it.” He says sincerely-

RUMBLE!

“But apparently, there’s no time!” Shouts Red as she once more carries Tyrone under her arm and runs through the door.

...one room and more agony later...

“Right, let’s get this over with.” Stated Tyrone simply as he let the robot arms grab him again.

Red got the med-kit she’d found nearby ready, as she got the equally convenient blow torch ready. “It’s official, we live in a crapshack world.” Stated Red somberly, having failed to cut through the door. Red then chooses to follow through with the instructions, and use it on Tyrones-

GAH!

He screams as the energy wave shatters the door and allows them to proceed, after Tyrone stops hollering in pain.

...time passes by, what more do you want?...

WHY!?!

Screams Tyrone as the liquid nitrogen shatters his ompah loompahs...thus shattering the next door....

....it’s later, deal with it....

BLOODY BERRIES!

Cried out Tyrone in agony after the tazer causes him enough agony to break yet another door.

...Do I really need to say it!?!...

“Finally, we’re done with the bloody doors!” Thought Red to herself in relief. Well, as relieved as she could be, given the circumstances.

“HOT! HOT! OW!” Cried out Tyrone as he ran barefoot across the mystic embers to pull the lever, only to then be covered in mystic snow to signal the run- or frost-bitten limping- for the second switch, which was covered in mystic... you know what, you get the idea... IT SUCKED!

“Why... just why couldn’t you have told us that Tyrone’s invulnerability was only good against mundane forms of harm? Why torture him? He’s a good guy! He doesn’t deserve this!”

Suddenly, Tyrone activated another switch, which not only sent Tyrone into the next pain-filled part of the ‘tutorial’, but also sent down a banner right in front of her.

Of course he doesn’t deserve it! He wouldn’t be much of a Woobie if he did!

“What does that even mean!?!” Screams a frustrated Red as she, once more, tried to help her friend with his trial.

ZAP!

Only to be, once more, pushed away by a forcefield.

Red just groaned as she was slammed against the wall. ”Well, at least he’s at the last one.” Sure enough, Tyrone had squeezed inside what looked like a dilapidated gas chamber to pull the final switch that would allow them to proceed to the next room.

Red watched through one of the windows. For a while, Tyrone did nothing, he simply stood there deathly quiet. Then, he pulled one of the levers.

Suddenly the door opened-

BOOM!

-And then exploded into colorful balloons and confetti!

CONGRATULATIONS RED! YOU’RE FREE TO GO!

Shouted the monocled man over the intercom.

Red said nothing, then she laughed, then she cried. She fell to her hands and knees and cried tear of unbridled joy as she laughed so hard her throat became soar.

Red turned to run and embrace her friend-

ZAP!

Only to be stopped by yet another force field.

“Wait, what?” Asked a confused Red.

“TSK. TSK. You really need to learn to pay attention more my child. I said YOU were free to go. Tyrone on the other hand, oh, how do I put this delicately?”

T-minus five minutes until mystic neurotoxin is dispensed inside auxiliary gas chamber 005.

Said a robotic female voice as plainly as one would discuss the weather-

“Oh, well, never mind. She beat me to the punch.”

Said the voice over the intercom as Red went deathly pale.