13/13/13

Tyrone groaned...the last thing he remembered was the gas. His throat, nose and insides burning, then nothing.

Tyrone’s eyes fluttered open. Everything was still a bit dark, and then he saw it, his beautiful, unclothed love interest looking down upon him with a smile.

“Hey, Tyrone... You okay?” Asked Red nonchalantly.

Tyrone frowned, looked down upon himself, briefly testing every muscle of his body.

“Uh... Yeah, I think so.” Stated Tyrone evenly.

Red kept her smile serene. “Good to hear.”

STOMP!

Tyrone cried out in pain as Red stamped down on his groin. “Wha-”

“SHUT UP!” Screamed Red as she stamped down again.

STOMP!

WHAT THE BLOOD IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!

STOMP!

YOU DIED!

STOMP!

HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID!?!

STOMP!

WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO DIE FOR ME!?!

STOMP!

IT SURE AS FRACK WASN’T ME!

STOMP!

Red was in tears now, and so was Tyrone. Both from seeing the most important person in his life cry, and the fact that his ‘prize spot’ was being ground to paste, but mostly the last one.

STOMP!

STOMP!

STOMP!

FRACK IT TYRONE!!!

STOMP!

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO NOBLE!?!

STOMP!

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO SELFLESS!?!

STOMP!

WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS SUICIDAL NEED TO THROW YOURSELF UNDER THE BUS FOR THOSE YOU LOVE!?!

STOMP!

STOP CARRYING THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON YOUR SHOULDERS SO I DON’T HAVE TO! YAH, MORON!

STOMP!

I-

STOMP!

-LOVE-

STOMP!

-YOU-

STOMP!

-JACKASS!

No longer caring about anything, Red leaned down and kissed him. Tyrone’s eyes lit up in wonder, he then immediately fell unconscious from the pain.

Despite Ptolemy’s sincere assurance Alax had still been legitimately surprised when he and his wife were allowed to leave the Templar city.

(Yep, you heard it right. A city, just like you and I live in, except it's hidden from the rest of the world, and full of magi-tech, and controlled publicly by and esoteric militaristic ancient order.)

Sky looked around. “Where did you tell them to send us?” Alax sighed. “As tempting as it was to have them to teleport us to Tyrone’s last known coordinates, I knew that would just be a dead end.”

Sky looked at him confused, as he dragged along Carl’s unconscious body (he had made one too many bad remarks toward Tyrone within ear-shot of Sky). “What do you mean? I know that the Templars said that all their attempts to find his trail had failed-

“Exactly, the Templars- a global, secret society with resources we can’t begin to match -couldn’t find our boy. Which means, if I’m gonna have ANY luck doing what they couldn’t, I’m going to have to use the one asset even they don’t have.”

Sky’s eye’s widened in disbelief. “You don’t mean...”

Alax nodded. “Yep.” He turns to the nearest road sign that says: NIXA, 20 miles.

“I’m going home.”

When Tyrone woke up he found Red using her teeth and feet to spill the last of the health potions from the med-kit on his junk.

Red immediately saw that Tyrone was awake. “I’m sorry for crushing your crotch. Actually, no I’m not sorry. MY FRACKING HANDS WERE CHOPPED OFF!”

Sure enough, where her hands once were, now were just blackened stumps.

Tyrone’s eyes widened in horror. “Wha- but how!?!”

“I cut them off to save you, you moron!” screamed Red.

“You cut off your... wait, how does that make sense?”

“How does that- DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST ASK THAT WHILE WE’RE BOTH NAKED IN A RANDOM, GROWING BUILDING, FILLED WITH GHOSTS AND ROBOTS!?!” Screamed Red.

Tyrone flushed. “Oh, right...”

“YES, ‘OH, RIGHT!’ YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE FRACK WERE YOU THINKING KILLING YOURSELF!”

Tyrone cowered in fright from Red’s rage. “But, Red I was saving-

“OH, NO! YOU DON’T GET TO USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE! FIRST OF ALL, DO YOU REALIZE YOU WERE TAKING THE WORD OF A WEIRDO- THE SAME PSYCHOTIC, SOCIOPATH THAT’S FRAKED WITH US ALL NIGHT, NO LESS- THAT I’D BE SAFE IN THIS DEATHTRAP ALL BY MY LONESOME!?!”

Tyrone paled.

“SECOND. HOW DARE YOU DO THIS WITHOUT TALKING TO ME! I’M NOT A FRACKING DAMSEL IN DISTRESS! I THOUGHT WE WERE PARTNERS! A TEAM! EQUALS! FRIENDS! DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER HOW I’D FEEL KNOWING THAT YOU’RE DEAD!?! THAT YOU DIED FOR ME! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WE’VE WATCHED ENOUGH CHEESY FLICKS TO KNOW HOW THAT %^%#@%# CAN %#$#$#$ UP A PERSON!”

Tyrone hung his head in shame.

“THIRD. DID YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY- LIKE AT ALL? DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER THEIR FEELINGS!?! THAT’S NOT BEING HEROIC! THAT’S BEING STUPID AND SELFISH TO THE FRACKING NINTH DEGREE!

Tyrone was crying now.

“FOR CRYING OUT LOUD TYRONE! YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE! I’M THE RECKLESS ONE! YOU IDIOT! AND I HATE THAT TROUT HAT OF YOURS! IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A MIDGET PIMP!”

With her tirade done, Red collapsed on the ground beside Tyrone, exhausted, panting as she looked up at the room’s ceiling- No, strike that- a hole suddenly appeared, showing them the stars.

They both flinched in anticipation of yet another deathmatch, but when nothing happens- mainly because they were too exhausted to really care anymore- they just relaxed and silently enjoyed the ambience.

The two Maori Templars smiled as Zealandia rose fully from the depths of the ocean, and took its rightful place as the eighth continent of the world. “Right, how’s the East Australian current?” Asked one Templar to the other.

(The Maori Templars were yet another fringe Templar group that came of obscurity and into power when the UK Templars fell.)

His partner looked at the readings. “Oh, well, we’re going to get a lot more tropical, but eastern Australia is in for big old ‘cold shoulder’.”

The first Templar groaned. “So, we’re gonna have to pitch in for that weather machine for the Aborigine Templars after all?” He then gave a resigned sigh. “Well, so much for that trip to the Bermuda Triangle the wife and I’d been saving for.”

His partner put a sympathetic hand on his back “Sorry man, I know how much you needed that trip to fix your marriage, but I think I got some news that’ll cheer you up.”

The first Templar looked at him skeptically. “Oh, really? Like what?”

His partner looked around to make sure no one else was listening; he then leaned over to whisper. “It hasn’t hit the mainstream news yet, but it seems that the UK Templars have been wiped out.”

The first Templar looked at him in disbelief. “What? Come on, pull the other one!”

His partner shook his head. “No, I’m not kidding. I got a buddy in Scandinavia who greenlit the infiltration team they sent to investigate.”

The first Templar just looked at him amazed. “You’re serious?”

His partner nodded. “Yep. So here’s what I’m thinking: After work, we go over to our favorite bar. We tell them that, and we’re guaranteed at least one free round of drinks and gremlin kebab.”

(Much like their namesake, the Maori practice 'mystic cannibalism' on any creatures or magic user they find, in order to absorb their mana. There's a reason why there aren't any creatures and mages in the district, even more so, after they took full control of New Zealand.)

The first Templar smirked. “Yeah, that actually sounds-

His partner blinked at the mist of blood that was once his best friend. “Wha-” And just like that, he was bloody mist as well.

The Neo-Corp soldiers ignored the puddles of blood at their feet as they began their occupation of the newly christened continent.

For a while neither Red or Tyrone talked, just silently took in the majestic constellations. Feeling the cool, brisk winter breeze tickle their bodies, enjoying the serene solitude of no one talking, doing, or dying, so of course someone had to go and spoil it all.

“Uh... Red, I know it doesn’t mean much, but you were right, it was stupid and I’m sorry.” Admitted Tyrone sincerely.

Red sighed. “It’s fine Tyrone. I forgive you. It was sweet, what you tried to do for me, so stupid ‘I’ll castrate you if you even think of doing that again’ sweet, but sweet nonetheless.” Admitted Red bluntly.

“Fair enough.” Said Tyrone thankfully, and with that, they gazed once more into the heavens in silence.

The clock went from 10:47, to 10:48, to 10:49, and now 10:50...oh, I’m sorry. Am I boring you? Maybe you’d like me to disturb their well-deserved relaxation by dropping scorpions on the traumatized and mutilated children to liven things up?...you disgust me.

“Red, are we going to die?” Asked Tyrone. “Yep.” Said Red flatly, too tired and too cynical to give her friend any real comfort.

“Oh...” Said Tyrone in resignation, followed by a long pause.

“Will it at least be painless?” He asked. “I really doubt it.”

“Oh...” There was another long pause…

“Wanna make out until were both decapitated by the murdering sociopath keeping us here?” She asked. “Yep.”

GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTER! THEIR JUST GOING TO KISS, SICKOS! Yeesh...Explain to me again why we’re letting perverts read this?...oh, right. There are main demographic...never mind...

Annnnyway, let’s give these two some privacy for now...