North x Northwest

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‘Looking back on this whole ordeal, and despite what my purpose was, my behaviour truly was shallow and disrespectful. The crazy things I did in Amiaeng, the words I used to threaten Cesar with Liloa’s life as the collateral, everything… And unfortunately, I can’t undo that past…’

Even though he knew it was useless, his mind still wandered in regret. And like an inescapable maze, it only led him closer in. Now, Ed couldn’t point out when the regret had exactly started and whether there was even an end to it.

Ed tried to suppress the sadness that was about to overwhelm him.

The rustling sound made by papers being overturned suddenly stopped. Lil didn’t say anything for a while, but then.

“…Why are you crying?”

It didn’t sound like she was actually expecting an answer, nonetheless, Ed tried, with a clear stammer in his voice.

“…Sorry, I did…”

“…”

“…it just hurts… my heart… but…”

“Even if you go on like this, nothing will change.”

“…”

With difficulty, Ed nodded his head. He was afraid that if he opened his mouth even slightly, a sound that Lil didn’t want to hear would escape. But instead, his neck contracted and hiccup-like breaths were expelled involuntary. Ed’s attempts to stop it didn’t go his way and in the end, he had no choice but to hold his breath. Ironically, it was the kind of sobbing he had forgotten about since childhood.

“Stop.”

“…”

Lil rubbed her forehead exhaustedly. As she never looked back at Ed, he could only see her sighing from her side profile.

“I’m already tired enough as it is.”

“…”

Lil spoke firmly. It was a tone that didn’t allow Ed to look forward to anything.

‘Just until yesterday, we were able to hold hands and properly face each other…’

That sense of loss, even though they were together now, kept stirring up his emotions.

“And you know everything anyway, so you know what is waiting for me when I leave this place. That alone is enough to give me a headache… But what the hell is this? Are you asking me to read that and somehow understand you? If you had any sense of shame, you wouldn’t have put such a burden on me…”

“…”

Ed was overcome by short, intermittent breaths and couldn’t bring himself to stop. Thinking that he could calm down if he managed to hold Lil’s hand, he carefully extended his fingers towards her. Lil, however, swung her arm before they could even touch.

The sound of gritting teeth was heard from between her pursed lips.

‘Perhaps… I made a mistake…’

Finally fed up, Lil’s twisted mouth spewed out the words she had been trying to hold in.

“Ah! In all this chaos I nearly forgot. You’re a human being who doesn’t even need to do that kind of thing; understanding others. In your life, did you ever try to understand someone else, or could you simply never be bothered to do so?”

“…”

“How… How could you possibly think I’d still want to be involved with you? Who in the world is that hand reaching for? Do you perhaps believe you are entitled to it? I’m truly appalled by the fact that such an arrogant thought process is even possible…”

“…”

“Is it because you lived a life surrounded by power? I’m so sorry for not realising that sooner! You see, it’s so far from my own reality that I can’t even imagine it…”

“…”

“Unfortunately for you, I don’t have a big enough heart to forgive your rich arrogance.”

“…”

“You have everything! So why should I, who has nothing, try to understand you?”

“…”

“Agh! Did you really think I wouldn’t mind because I’ve lived a life similar to that of a bug? Did you expect me to cry and shed tears out of emotion if you told me that you would never betray me again?”

“…”

“Why are you all messing with me? Every single one of you! I’m so sick of it!”

“No! I never thought of you that way.”

Ed’s desperate reply never reached Lil’s ears because her excited breath ran irregularly. Her arteries were flushed in the nape of her neck and throbbed unbearably.

‘Just as Levi said, the most harmful person to Liloa right now is me…’

Even so, Ed couldn’t get out of there right away as he couldn’t get his feet to move.

“You’re so damn self-absorbed! That’s how you could do this. You have no idea and obviously don’t care how you’ll make the other person feel or how long they had to put up with you. Because you were simply born with such power!”

“…”

“Your mindset! That mindset you showed in Amiaeng, the one where you can treat another recklessly as long as it isn’t someone close to you, that’s the kind of mindset I hate the most! What was it that you first said to me in Amiaeng? You asked for my price… You! You asked me how much! And now I have to discover that you knew me all along?! You even saw my portrait!”

“…”

“And despite all that, you still dared to stand her before me? Acting like you can’t stand being hated? Being all shaking up because I didn’t read one measly letter?”

“…”

“Did you think I’d feel sorry for you after hearing that confession? It’s already disgusting enough as it is how this whole messed up situation came about just because you developed some feelings for me, but you even dared to use it as an excuse right into my face?! Do you know how much I wanted to vomit when the word ‘love’ came out of your mouth?”

“…”

Ed couldn’t even think about denying it. He was already disgusted with himself, but Lil’s disgust towards him was even worse. Ever since he had come face to face with her in Amiaeng, his behaviour had been nothing but ugly.

“Don’t appear in front of me like this just to put your own mind at ease.”

“…”

Lil looked at the city of Roahn again but threw her quill down almost immediately.

“Damn it!”

“…”

Ed couldn’t ask for forgiveness nor dare to ask for understanding. He just stood there dumbfounded, succumbing to the feeling of helplessness he was facing for the first time in his life.

Unable to do anything about it, Ed watched the rapidly paling Lil. Her complexion reflected in the dim light of the lantern wasn’t looking good at all. Lil, whose face had been down for a long time, lifted her head with difficulty. She then folded the map and tidied up around her while her voice sounded distressingly subdued.

“I’m leaving.”

“…Where to?”contemporary romance

Lil didn’t look at him. Ed stood back and watched her pack the maps and blueprints. He realised that what he had long feared for was finally happening. It was the moment Lil was about to abandon him, who was nothing but pitiful. Ed instantly became as immobile as a man in shackles and as quiet as if he had reached the eye of a storm.

When Lil turned her head towards the silenced man, Ed was met with a pair of eyes filled with hatred. It was deeper and more blatant than any hostility Lil had ever shown him.

It was arguably the most painful moment of the day for Ed, but strangely, no more tears came out.

Lil turned around straight away. She turned around and walked resolutely. The distance between him and her widened again as if they had never been close to begin with.

Ed closed his eyes as he watched the door close and Lil’s cry echoed in his ears for a long time.

{ “You have everything! So why should I, who has nothing, try to understand you?” }

Up until now, Ed had been completely misguided. After all, in his eyes, Lil was the one who had everything he wanted to hold. Between the two of them, he was the only one who felt drawn to her and her radiance. He longed to hover around her and was eager to get closer. Whenever he saw her in front of him, he was reminded of the side of him that made him feel miserable and deprived, but Lil never knew that. She didn’t know how great she was and how much he adored the world inside her. So it was only now and terribly late at that, that Ed understood the void that Lil had been keeping.

It was pierced, cut open, and brought out for him to see…

***

done.co